Ike versus the Fourth Wall
by Moczo
Summary: Read about the adventures of Ike and all your Tellius-based friends as they struggle with the random number god, blatant cheating, poor AI, blood pacts, mind-crushing, and much more! Starring pretty much everyone. Except Makalov, since no one likes him.
1. Ike versus the Black Knight PoR

"All right, Greil Mercenaries," Ike said soberly, "I'm going in. I won't die. I can't lose to the Black Knight."

Soren held out a hand. "Ike, let me come with you!"

Ike shook his head dramatically. "I'm sorry, but I can't let anyone else in. This is something I have to do… on my own." And so he proudly strode into the chamber.

Mist, ignoring her brother, as sisters are wont to do, rode in after him.

The Black Knight turned and faced Ike. "So you have finally come, Son of Gawain."

They exchanged words, and Ike moved to attack. Then he looked up at the stat screen. "Wait a minute, what do you mean I can only do one hit point of damage?"

The Black Knight shrugged.

"And you _double_ me?" he cried incredulously. "And 19 hit points _what?_ I have a god-like defense! I've been taking 1 or no damage from everything!"

"I'm the Black Knight," he reminded him.

"Okay, fine. Aether!"

"Not bad," said the Black Knight, taking approximately 20 points of damage. "And way lucky getting Aether on the first turn."

"Thanks."

"By the way, Sword Beam."

"Wait what-"

Mist reloaded the game.

After fighting their way through the stage again, Soren allowing Ike to kill all of their opponents so he'd gain a few levels:

"All right, I'm ready to take on the Black Knight," Ike said dramatically.

"Ike, take me with you," Soren said.

"No, Soren, this is-"

"You let Mist in, didn't you? I can heal you as well. And you're forgetting something very important. _We have an A support."_

Salivating at the idea of getting +30 to dodge if nothing else, Ike reluctantly replied, "Sorry, apparently this is a family-only thing."

Mist and Ike went inside.

The Black Knight sighed. "Hi again."

"I've got a bunch more levels, even tapping into our bonus experience!" Ike declared.

"Awww, that's great. You're forgetting one important fact."

"Huh?"

"Sword Beam."

Soren and Titania were both giving Ike dirty looks.

"You know, we don't _need_ Nasir," Ike said awkwardly.

"So you're going to just run this time?" Titania asked in her stern "you'd better know the answer to that" voice.

Ike sheepishly nodded and ran in. The Black Knight was humming his own theme.

"Listen, if I had Nihil this fight would be easy," Ike declared, "but I only have room for Aether, so…" He turned and ran.

He made it exactly two spaces from the exit, in the last space of the Black Knight's range.

The Black Knight walked up to him. "Oh, by the way, Ike…"

"Uh oh…"

"Yeah. Sword Beam."

Finally Ike worked his way back to the room. Mist was downright bored at this point, as she hadn't gotten to do any healing in awhile.

"Oh, it's on now!" Ike said dramatically.

Like Mist, the Black Knight looked bored. "Listen kid, it's canon that I let you win, so no Sword Beams this time, I promise."

Ike's face fell. "But I just had 4 really great levels! I do five points of damage and you don't double me anymore!"

The Black Knight sighed. "I just don't feel like it."

"But you have to!" Ike complained. "I really worked hard! I could possibly beat you legitimately! How am I supposed to prove my equality with my father now?"

"It's okay, I'll be back next game," he replied with a shrug.

And so Ike defeated the Black Knight in epic combat that was suitably unepic. He was disappointed up until he re-encountered him in the next game and got an Eclipse to the face in their first round.

The End!

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><p>AN: This actually happened my first time in hard mode. My second time, I don't know what happened but Ike won the first time easily. I was in pleasant shock.

As for the end bit, yes that's referring to the "Rivals Collide" stage in RD. I'm again playing in hard mode (I'm a masochist what can I say?) and yeah, poor Ike. Granted my one run in Easy mode got a level 20 Ike with mostly maxed stats also getting Eclipsed in the face, so there you go. But this time the Black Knight doubles him, has a 100% chance of hitting despite +30 dodge bonus due to his A-support with Soren _and_ the +10 the reeds give him, and will inflict 62 points of damage... and Ike has 54 hitpoints. Sorry, "Secret Character," but you're not joining this time.


	2. Ike versus Sephiran RD

A/N: So apparently I forgot to mark this story complete. Which means I'm contractually obligated to continue it!

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><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round 2:<em>

Sephiran, surrounded by enemies though he was, turned to Ike and began as gently as possible, "Ike-"

"Yo Sephiran, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Soren is the best dark-haired bishonen sage of all time!" Ike replied.

Sephiran instantly relaxed his dramatic stance and pinched the bridge of his nose. "The poor fourth wall," he murmured, more to himself than anyone else.

Soren had a similar expression on his face. "You must be joking," he said to Ike severely, "The only thing I could beat him in is an arm-wrestling match."

Ike pushed Soren to be two spaces away from Sephiran. They faced each other down; Sephiran was the superior mage by a small margin, but Soren's tome was better and thus they were relatively equal, each inflicting approximately two points of damage in difference. As they both had Nihil, neither would ever critical or special technique the other. "This fight will take double my lifespan," Sephiran admitted dryly. "Since I can take out approximately half of your health without risk of retaliation, Ike, why don't I just ignore your boyfriend and attack you? Your resistance is awful, by the way."

Ike looked at the stats, looked at what would happen if Sephiran ignored Soren, and then looked at the two mages. He said, ignoring Sephiran, "Well, there're other things to compare you on. For example, Soren's hair is longer."

Sephiran gasped indignantly, his intelligent point from earlier forgotten. "It is not! For one thing, I'm taller!"

"Mine is tied back, while yours isn't," Soren pointed out, clearly getting some sadistic glee at the nerve Ike had unintentionally struck.

"I'm a heron," Sephiran sniffed, petting his luxurious long locks. "No other race can compete with us when it comes to hair."

"Because you're worth it," Soren snarked.

"_How dare you! My hair is completely natural and I don't need any products to keep it manageable!" _Sephiran roared in rage as he flung horribly destructive light magic at the Soren. Soren retaliated, and they were back at square one.

"Sorry," Sephiran admitted with a touch of awkwardness. "I oughtn't lose my temper so easily. If I handled Oliver, I can certainly take a quip about my hair."

"It simply came as no surprise to _me_ that you are truly a beautiful man bird on the inside!" Oliver crooned, drooling over fantasies of effeminate twins. Reyson punched him in the face, although he didn't notice.

"How'd he get in here?" Ike muttered to himself, because _he_ certainly hadn't tapped Oliver to come into the Tower.

"It's quite all right," Soren assured Sephiran. "We-"

"Surely we can find other ways for you two to figure out who's the best femmy mage," Ike muttered, rubbing his squared chin. "Let's see… your magic rank is the same… Sephiran's got some higher speed but Soren's stronger… your hair is comparable…" He looked to the rest of the fighters. "Hey guys! Who looks more like a chick, Soren or Sephiran?"

"They're both dudes?" Naesala called back, smirking. Leanne sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

Soren and Sephiran had identical expressions of cold rage on their faces. "Whoever kills him first wins," Sephiran said. Soren agreed, and the two marched off.

Ike sighed, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. "That could've gone better."

"What about me? I could compete for the title of best mage," said Pelleas excitedly, waving to get Ike's attention.

"Who're you?" asked Ike. Pelleas cried.


	3. Ike versus the Dawn Brigade RD

_A/N: So I decided I might as well keep updating this whenever I have ideas, because why not? The best part is that Radiant Dawn is my go-to game for a tough fight that I can't cheat during (I've beaten it 8 times, 5 of those on Hard Mode x.X) So enjoy!_

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><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Three:<em>

It was freezing out and the enemies kept coming, but the Dawn Brigade held their positions and protected the last bastion of the Daein Army, Fort Nox. They were all injured and covered with blood, but they all knew that the fate of their precious nation depended on them and so they stood their ground.

A slight distance from the defenders stood Ike and Soren. "I want it made clear that throwing a horde of laguz at them was not _my_ plan," Soren muttered, huddling into his mage robes. "I don't know whose it was, but it's awful. Why are they trying to climb a ledge when all it does it make them vulnerable to attacks from above? I or any other mage, or even you with your ridiculous sword, could attack them from below, at least, but the laguz are essentially making themselves helpless."

"My sword is awesome," Ike retorted. "You're just jealous."

"Blessed by the goddess to make sword beams," Soren muttered. "That makes no sense." He sighed and put on a pair of earmuffs. "How long did you say we're giving them to continue building up experience until they're almost catching up to us?"

"Twelve turns. They're on turn six now."

"Ah. Wake me up at turn eleven, then."

Ranulf showed up around turn 10. "Ike, are you safe? Wait, that was a dumb question, wasn't it? I don't think any of us are safe at the moment."

"Actually we're pretty safe because the Dawn Brigade sucks," Ike replied with shrug. Soren was using him as a pillow. "It's funny in particular because Edward keeps getting injured, then getting Wrath and killing whatever it is was that hit him, only to get killed by the next laguz to come for him."

"Ugh, how many times has Micaiah had to restart?"

"At least ten, although I lost track. She's tried a few other people in Edward's spot but the only other ones free are Meg or Fiona." He snickered. "Meg or Fiona."

"Meg's like their Astrid!" He held up a brofist. Ike returned it under contractual obligation. "And we don't even have anyone useless enough to be our Fiona."

"We don't? What about Lyre?"

"Ohhh right. Anyhow, it is time to move up yet?"

"I guess. The other Mercenaries will be here soon. We can leave Soren here to finish up his nap; he doesn't get to sleep enough anyway." Making sure the archsage was comfortable, Ike stood up and stretched. He cleared his throat and shouted, "_OKAY MICAIAH, LAST CHANCE TO SURRENDER!"_

Micaiah yelled back, "_NEVER!"_

"_BY THE WAY, WHY ARE YOU ALL THE WAY BACK THERE INSTEAD OF BEING USEFUL ON THE FRONT LINES?"_

"_BECAUSE IT WOULD BE TOO CONVENIENT FOR ME TO GET ANY DECENT EXPERIENCE FROM THIS LEVEL, SO THIS GLOWING BLUE LINE IS PREVENTING ME FROM PASSING!"_

"_OH, OKAY!" _

Soren naturally woke up from all the shouting. "Oh, is it time to storm them already?"

Ike dramatically shook his head. "No, Soren, you stay back for your own safety!"

Soren stared at him, eyebrow twitching. "This sounds familiar… As does my pointing out that we have an A-support, so +30 to dodge among other statistical bonuses. And now I can point out also that the Dawn Brigade is composed of pre-promoted weaklings and Aran, so – where are you going?"

Dramatically, Ike moved forward with a transformed Ranulf and the rest of the Greil Mercenaries who'd arrived thus far. Soren sighed and tried to massage his headache away. The Dawn Brigade members who risked being hit by the Greil Mercenaries climbing up the sides started to retreat.

"Why would you seek me out? I won't have mercy on my enemies. That goes for former allies, too!" Ike declared, lifting Ragnell in one hand as he dramatically marched into the center of the fort, where the laguz had been sitting ducks before. "And don't think your height will save you, because my sword beams can destroy you even if you are on a ledge! This farce of a war is over, and after we defeat you we can march and destroy your allies, the corrupt Senators of Begnion! We will-"

Laura raised her Sleep staff. Ike face-planted in the dirt.

"Sucker," said Micaiah.


	4. Interlude Mook versus Haar RD

A/N: Quick review responses:  
>1) Yes, Pelleas is Canada, congrats for getting that reference XD<p>

2) Sephiran is a man! Google him if you don't remember him, but I was genuinely surprised to not see breasts on him. And I picked up Soren as male right away, because if nothing else I'm used to anime.

3) Yes, the Greil Mercenaries do attack you in 3-13 – apparently in all the modes, but definitely in Hard. The good news is that they only move out on turn 11 so if you back up they can't ever hit you. The bad news is that if you for some reason can't back up, Boyd can take out about half of the Dawn Brigade without issue (Rolf and Mist get there too, buuuuut if you just use Shinon and ignore Mist like I do…) The good news is that, as alluded to, for some reason Soren doesn't move out, because in my games Soren could also take out most of the Dawn Brigade and he's closer. The bad news is that Ike does move out and, if you don't stop him with a sleep staff, he WILL kill whoever's on that front ledge. The good news is that his resistance is crap :D

4) You guys keep liking this, I'll keep writing it :3

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><p><em>Interlude: Random Mook versus Wyvern Riding Badass<em>

Stan loved his country. He especially loved Duke Ludveck. Ludveck was going to take Crimea on the right path! That Queen Elincia was too soft-hearted to be a queen. Stan knew that because Ludveck told him so. He loved Crimea and would feel guilty about trying to supplant the Queen, except that Ludveck had assured him that they were going to supplant the Queen _nicely, _and who could he trust if not Ludveck?

And so here Stan was, gallantly marching with like-minded comrades to invade and conquer the Queen's backup keep. He was on the forefront and so he was the one who knocked down the massive wooden defensive door (Stan, being something of an uneducated young man, did not know what this structure was called) that prevented the forces of righteousness from invading.

Sitting on the other side of the door was a man – no, a _demon_ – dressed in black armor and on the back of a massive wyvern that was probably not even a wyvern, but really a dragon, or a _demon dragon_. Stan believed too much in his cause to back down, but he really wanted to urinate on himself in terror. Instead he gripped his spear tightly and prepared to attack.

Haar took out Stan in one shot. He gained about three experience points.


	5. Ike versus Ashnard PoR

A/N: I don't feel like looking up the game script this time. I apologize. I'm lazy. Also, this chapter was my brother's idea, so it's kind of dedicated to him. Also, MAJOR SPOILERS – IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW ASHNARD'S HEIR, THEN DON'T READ THIS UNLESS YOU LIKE SPOILERS. Not that this whole story isn't one massive spoiler, buuuuut…

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><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Four<em>

"Ashnard!" Ike shouted, his sword clasped tightly in both hands. The Crimean Royal Palace had been greatly untouched except for the corpses of Ashnard's greatest warriors strewn about the gardens. After ordering a hasty retreat to get everyone out of Ashnard's range, Ike had run forward to confront the evil king himself. "Your reign of terror is at an end!"

Ashnard laughed, landing his wyvern and hopping off. "Young son of Gawain, it's nice to finally meet you. I can only hope you have half the power your father had!"

Ike gripped his sword tighter, inspired by the reminder of his poor father. "I'll be more than enough to deal with you! You tried to kill Princess Elincia, and you murdered her entire family! You ordered your soldiers to provide no respite for the people you conquered! You hate the laguz and think of them as lesser beings! You show no mercy to anyone who works for you! You don't believe that honor, valor and courage mean anything, only strength and skill! You believe that only the strong and brilliant should live while the weak be ignored and forgotten! You've clearly got a great tactical mind since you conquered Crimea, but you're ruthless and amoral!" Huh, this all sounded a little familiar.

Ashnard laughed, rather evilly of course. "Hahahaha! Valor and courage are for children's tales!"

Wow, that sounded _very_ familiar. "Hey, do you have any kids?"

Ashnard, who had been glowing with Ike's review of his personal qualities, blinked in surprise. "What? What does that have to do with anything?"

Ike thought a bit harder. "It would make sense, even if you don't look alike… Seriously, any kids? Nephews? Grandkids?"

"I… I had a son… But I sold him and he's probably dead now."

"Ah HA!" Ike looked back at Soren. "Did you hear that? You have to admit it works out!"

Soren, who was standing back with Rhys and Elincia, all three wielding physic staves, was glaring at him. "Ha ha, very funny."

"I'm not joking! You're like Ashnard but less crazy! Admit it, you know it makes sense, even if apparently he didn't give you any of his beefy muscley genes. See, and you were worried you'd never meet your family!"

"Ike, before you continue to antagonize me, I'd like to remind you of something. One hit from Ashnard takes about half of your health. That means if you intend on surviving – and actually doing any damage – you need healing. I have a physic staff. I heal you. Do you really want to push me?"

"Aw c'mon, you should be happy I'm pointing all this out! Besides, even if you get mad, Elincia and Rhys will still heal me."

Soren switched out the staff for a tome. "Elincia's a flying unit and I can one-shot her. Rhys may have the resistance of a god, but I can still beat him on the back of the head with this."

Ike stared at him. "Wow. Way to prove my point…"

Elinicia moved a few spaces away from Soren, just in case he decided to take her out. She didn't actually think he would, but then again, she didn't know that his gut reaction had been to sell her to Daein. Rhys, used to such talk (Kieran in particular would challenge him to a duel whenever he healed him), merely shrugged and smiled.

Ashnard was looking a little restless. "You know that if you have Soren attack me, I'll kill him and we won't have a special conversation, so you might as well just drop it."

Ike pouted. "That's lame." He moved to attack the Mad King and made a great show of being defeated. "Argh, I am injured!" he declared, overdramatic, clutching a non-existent wound. "As man to man, in exchange for your expert attack, I will permit you to take one member of my army to play a game of flag football!"

Ashnard paused in his retaliation. "What? Flag football?"

"I'd say 'tackle football' but you'd break him in half."

Ashnard laughed, as always enjoying any reference to his strength, before attacking Ike and did a good deal of damage.

"Bah, Ashnard, you are weak! You clearly need a good nutritious meal! We will make camp and you can take Soren fishing!"

"Knock it off, Ike!" Soren called threateningly.

"Fishing? Only weaklings fish! I would take my son to hunt wild boar!" Ashnard was smiling maniacally (he was incapable of any other kind of smile) as he thought about it. "We would kill it with our bare hands!"

"Oh, joy," Soren deadpanned.

"Bear hunting is quite manly!" Kieran chimed in, although he was so far out of Ashnard's flight range that he couldn't hear him. "I've felled many a bear in _my most glorious adventures __**in the **__**name of Crimea**__!_" Geoffrey and Oscar both face-palmed.

Stefan, Haar and Volke were playing a game of badass poker. It was like a regular game of poker, only played by badasses. Shinon and Gatrie wanted to play, but they didn't count. Shinon swore his revenge upon them. They weren't impressed.

"Lord Ike, would you _please_ just _kill him_?" Elincia called, looking as frustrated as she had ever been before.

Ike pouted, but did as his contractor bid him. Within a few turns, Ashnard died; but, then he touched the medallion and came back to life with about 20 more hit-points and doing about ten more points of damage each time.

"I WILL DESTROY YOU AND ALL YOU LOVE, SON OF GAWAIN, AS I AM NEARLY A GOD NOW THAT I HAVE TOUCHED THE MEDALLION OF CHAOS AND EVIL! WHEE HA HA HA HA HA!" Ashnard declared menacingly. He also looked a little blue, and Ike hoped he was getting sick so that the fight would be easier.

Then he checked out the battle statistics. "This won't be that bad," said Ike. "It's just going to take a little longer, but it's still going to be 'me hit you, you hit me, I get healed, you hit me, I hit you, I get healed,' wash, rinse and repeat."

Soren cleared his throat loudly.

"And Soren is still the best tactician ever, and I definitely won't continue to bring up how he's clearly your son, because not only is that a spoiler and probably wasn't conceived of in this game or else you two would have a special conversation alluding to it, but also because he's awesome and amazing and he heals me."

"Good boy," said Soren proudly.

"And also because I think if you two really bonded you'd probably kill us all!"

"WAAAHAAHAHAHAA THAT'S TRUE SON OF GAWAIN, MY SON AND I WOULD PLAY CATCH USING THE SKULLS OF THE DEAD BEASTS THAT WE SLAY!"

"Aww, that's kind of… sentimental…"

"It's nice to know you did me a favour by selling me," Soren said bitterly.

"Ohhhh nooooo! He's transformed! We need to call one of the laguz kings, and Giffca! Pick one, Ike!" Nasir called melodramatically because the script told him to.

"I don't need one," Ike said, a little confused. "Like I said, it's not that big of a difference, I'm not sure what everyone's worried about – oooo wait you mean I can use any of them? Cool! I'm going to choose… choose… aw man, which one…"

"In this game they're all the same," Nasir replied. "Well, Giffca can't fly, and that's about it. You might as well do eenie meenie miney mo."

"Pick Tibarn!" Reyson called from his healthy distance away, although he refused to clarify that statement.

Ike did so. Everyone was impressed and eager to see Tibarn in action, considering he was clearly epically powerful.

Before he got there, Ike had killed Ashnard, again.

"Aw man, I didn't even get to transform," Tibarn muttered, disappointed. So was everyone else.

"Maybe the boss of the next game will be more than 'have Ike beat it to death,'" Ike volunteered. No one could look him in the eye but he got the hint anyway. "Oh. Darn."


	6. Ike versus Black Knight RD

Another A/N: If you have any ideas you want to see here, let me know. If not, er, wish me luck to keep thinking!

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><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Five<em>

Micaiah looked over her intrepid team – also known as Nolan, Aran, Sothe, sometimes Edward and those other people. Oh, and the Black Knight, but he should have been listed first, in capital letters, and possibly with spirit fingers. "All right, everyone, our scouts have spotted the Greil Mercenaries, and Ranulf."

"The laguz were good in the last game, but in this one not so much, especially the cats." Sothe shrugged. "But you know, Ranulf is required, and he's not terrible if they use him right, so-"

"Quit making excuses for them," she told him sternly, as she did nearly every time someone brought up Sothe's former team. "Anyhow, here's how this is going to work. We're going to hide in the corner of the map, let our forces attack them, and if we have to, we send the Black Knight after them. The good news is they only have eight turns to get to us, and this is a swamp map so that will slow them down."

"Aw, but that's cheap," Edward complained. "It's like sending a dinosaur to kill a basket of puppies! Besides, we can totally take them."

"If they're puppies, that makes us squeaky plastic toys," she retorted. "The game can make it sound like we're rivals, like this is a climactic battle between us, but without the Black Knight here they will destroy us. Don't forget I lived my life on the streets, so I _know _how these things work!"

"But Micaiah, what do your mystical future-seeing powers say?" Nolan asked.

"They say we'll get curb-stomped if they get too close to us, weren't you listening? I don't even need my powers to know that!"

"I meant useful things, like how we can win."

Micaiah didn't answer, staring at the ground tellingly.

"This is a Greil Mercenaries chapter," Sothe defended her. "That shuts down her plot device powers. They're dependent on whether or not she's the protagonist."

"Ohhhh. That makes a lot more sense."

"We're screwed, aren't we," said Aran softly and rhetorically.

The Greil Mercenaries meanwhile were making excellent headway, spearheaded by Ike and Soren. "So what's the plan, again?" Ike asked tersely, cutting down Daein soldiers left and right, fueled by the power of the A-support.

"Two things need to happen here. First, I need to engage Micaiah. Second, you need to fight the Black Knight, but not kill him."

Ike paused, relaxed his stance, and turned to look at Soren more effectively. "Pardon?" A Daein soldier attacked him, but it didn't hurt.

"Yes, you heard me. The requirements are you fighting the Black Knight, and neither of you dying. Of course not _you_ because it will be a game over if you die, but not him either." Soren sighed. "Yes, yes I know."

Ike looked to the Black Knight, then back to Soren. "Oh no," he drawled. "I suppose I'll have to go easy on him, considering he's _twenty-five levels higher than I am_."

"I didn't make up the rules, I merely know them," Soren replied, pulling out a Meteor. "All right, keep me protected while I engage her."

"I've got you, Soren," Ike said tersely, standing in front of his companion defensively.

Soren closed his eyes, spake the words and raised his hand to begin casting. In that moment, as Soren prepared to kill Micaiah, there was a connection between the two, a bond.

_Ah, that explains so much. Beorc are drawn to those who are Branded until they discover what they are._

_You – you're just like me! I've never met anyone like us before!_

_Others hide for fear of the hatred they will garner for being born as they are. Beorc hate us, laguz deny us. That you are here in this position tells me no one knows what you are – imagine if they did! The great Maiden, really a filthy –_

_That's enough! You speak so harshly but I can feel it, you've found something to live for –_

_You know nothing about me, heron half-breed filth, nor do you know the power I possess. _

_Ah!_

_But you are right, I do have someone to live for, which requires you to die and this war to end. Goodbye._

Micaiah wasn't too worried. She was all right at dodging magic from this distance (even if nothing else), and her resistance was decent.

Soren activated Adept.

"Oh, crap," she muttered.

The first meteor hit her square on, taking out about half of her life. The second meteor she dodged, expecting it.

Soren activated Adept again.

"Oh come on!" she complained, even as she got a meteor to the face. "Viva la Daein!" she cried before retreating.

"Wow, I sure protected her like I vowed to a hundred times," Sothe muttered bitterly. "But that's the power of Ike and the Greil Mercenaries for you. They're an unstoppable team composed of-"

"Shut up Sothe!" Laura, sweet innocent Laura, shouted at him. He pouted but went silent.

"Well, that was easy," said Soren as the tome dissolved into dust. "Your turn, Ike. Fight the Black Knight, but somehow, someway, don't kill him."

"Yeah yeah, you ask a lot." Ike moved forward, still getting his A-support bonuses but keeping Soren out of the firing range.

"Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh Black Knight," the Black Knight hummed.

Ike approached, paused, and looked at the stat screen. "Aw, fuuuuu-"

"Hi again."

"-ck. Hi." Ike looked at the stat screen again, blinking to make sure his eyes weren't deceiving him. "So let me clarify this. You double-attack me."

"Yep."

"You do 32 points of damage with each successful hit."

"Seems to be that way."

"I deliver exactly 0 points of damage in return."

"So much for my armor not being Goddess-blessed. It might as well be."

"… And you've always got a guaranteed hit."

"Of course."

"… … … But I only have 52 hit points!"

"That sounds like a personal problem."

Ike, embracing the warning sense of déjà vu, turned and ran. Unfortunately for him, the reeds impeded his movement and so the Black Knight caught up with him easily. Ike closed his eyes and threw up his arms. Soren prepared to restart; not that he needed to, considering the game over screen would do that for him, but he didn't really like seeing Ike get hurt (most of the time – there had been that time with Ashnard that Soren wouldn't have minded seeing Ike get roughed up a bit, but as a general rule, Ike getting hurt was a definite _do not want_ in Soren's eyes).

"I firmly believe there's no such thing as too much overkill," the Black Knight said rather fondly before glowing with a menacing blue light. "Sword beam!"

Ike died, of course.

The Black Knight gasped in shock. "I killed the last chance I had at defeating Gawain in his prime nooooooooooo!"

The stage restarted.

Rhys, darling Rhys, liked molasses on his waffles. He didn't understand why it was a bad thing when people compared him with the delightful topping. Yes, molasses didn't exactly drip very well, and sometimes it took forever to get it onto his waffles, but wasn't it worth it in the end? So really, saying that he was slower than molasses _should_ be considered a compliment, like saying that he walked slowly but was worth the wait. And yet everyone seemed to say, "Rhys, you're slower than molasses!" as if it was a bad thing.

An enemy general approached, throwing a large axe at Rhys' torso. He wanted to dodge, he really did, but that seemed really difficult and so instead it hit him. It really hurt. Rhys retaliated, nearly killing the offending attacker with one mighty spell. Then the enemy general paused and looked at the stat screen before recognizing that yes, he really was able to double something, and then threw another axe at his head.

Rhys died. "Ah, blessed Goddess, take pity on soldiers such as we," he mourned before fading.

"You know, if he would just train with me, none of this would have happened," Mia said bitterly.

The stage restarted.

Micaiah was ready this time, psyched up and prepared to dodge like a champion, like the great Silver-Haired Maiden she was. However, when Soren got in firing range and Micaiah saw the stat screen, she wanted to cry.

_Hello again,_ he 'said,' sounding a little bit frustrated at this point.

Micaiah could relate. _Hi. Uh, about that whole 'killing me' thing… Technically speaking you don't have to do that, you know. I have plot immunity, __**and**__ the cut-scene you want just requires that we talk. So here we are, talking. _

_I know, but this is much more fun._ Soren glowed with powerful magics, raising his hand. He dropped it and a massive meteor fell from the sky. Micaiah probably could have dodged it, except for the slight problem that this was a critical hit, and she died.

"The revolution will not be civilized!" she called out as she retreated. Sothe was buffing his nails.

Ike had gotten boosted with bonus experience and equipped Mist's Miracle. Also, he had an epic argument to level against the Black Knight that was sure to mitigate damages. To that end he approached his opponent, taking deep, stabilizing breaths. "The things I do for characterization," he muttered to himself before addressing the waiting foe. "Hey, if your entire point is to make sure I live to reach my father's level, why not let me live? And, more importantly, _why would you use Eclipse!_ It's a one-hit kill for _everything!_"

He shrugged. "I'm the Black Knight."

"You know, that argument loses power the more often you use it." Ike looked up at his new odds. "Oh come on, I bankrupted our BEXP and it made no difference?"

The Black Knight snorted. "So what, you gained three stat points and you expected it would help?"

"Touché."

The Black Knight double-checked his range. "Huh, what do you know, I can reach one of your companions, who has even less of a chance to survive than you do."

"You are the most dishonorable jerk in this entire game!" Ike retorted, nervous. When the Black Knight lumbered away from him, he felt a little bit of relief because at least he wasn't going for Soren. Then Ike spotted some blue fur and he outright sighed in relief. "Oh, Ranulf. He can probably survive. I mean, he's been beaten in cut scenes, but he's also held his own pretty well so hopefully he can not die long enough to run."

As the Black Knight approached, Ranulf transformed back into a beorc-shaped being. "Phew! This is exhausting. I really should have kept up my exercise after the last game," he said, wiping his forehead sweat and taking a long drink of olivi grass extract.

"It's you again," said the Black Knight. "Ugh, I'm so sick of you, always showing up and not dying."

Ranulf, also sick of losing, spread his arms wide in acceptance of his fate. "Get it over with. I have plot immunity."

"Soren, restart," said Ike, clearly annoyed at the timing of Ranulf's transformation expiration.

"Not yet. I'm basking." Soren had a creepy smile on his face. Ike took the remote from him and restarted.

Micaiah looked at the original Dawn Brigade. She could just barely see the Greil Mercenaries approaching. "Okay, that's it, all of you move out! Keep them back!"

"But Micaiah, I'm only level three," Meg whined, scared. Meanwhile Edward was seeking high-fives from anyone he could get them from.

"You're only level three if you _feel_ like it," Micaiah replied soothingly, patting the young girl on the head.

"What does that even mean-"

"It's fuuutiiiile," Sothe crooned in a sing-song voice, but quietly so that they would stop yelling at him.

The Dawn Brigade attempted to delay the Greil Mercenaries but they were, as Micaiah predicted earlier, curb-stomped.

Soren cast Meteor.

_Blah blah blah, being Branded sucks, blah blah blah!_

_Blah blah blah, you're a good person on the inside blah blah!_

_Eat a meteor!_

She died. "Blah blah Daein is awesome blah blah!" she declared before fleeing.

"Okay Soren, we have two choices. I can go up against the Black Knight and die, or we can forego our character development this go-round," said Ike, standing knee-deep in swamp water and looking as if he was at the end of his rope.

"Next time we play on easy mode," Soren agreed, also looking irritated.

"Don't worry about it, I'll kill you the next time we fight!" the Black Knight added from across the swamp.

Everyone laughed, except the Black Knight, who had no idea why everyone was laughing but was too far away to Sword Beam any of them for doing so. Next time...


	7. Ike versus Black Knight RD2

A/N: I have two more ideas right now, both from Radiant Dawn. So I apologize for those who would prefer Path of Radiance ones, although I am trying to think of those too! Read, review and most importantly, enjoy!

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><p>An aura of power separated the second floor of the Tower into two equal sides; on one side, those chosen to ascend to the Goddess were preparing to face off with a never-ending horde of mooks led by Levail, a Begnion general. The other side had isolated Ike and the Black Knight, also known as Zelgius.<p>

"This is it," Zelgius said, leveling the enormous Alondite and pointing it at Ike. "Through you I will fight my former master and I will _win_."

Ike was unimpressed. First, he was disappointed that the Black Knight was Zelgius and not someone he actually… _knew_. Zelgius had been on the outskirts of Ike's attention – a name occasionally mentioned as being formidable, but then once addressed it was discarded. Second, Ike was also unimpressed because he knew that he was his father's equal, and it was time to prove it. "Bring it on."

The battle on the other side got underway. The laguz royals who had been tapped by Yune to come into the Tower – Caineghis, Naesala, Tibarn, and Nailah – were untransformed and punching enemies in order to gain any experience at all from this fight. Micaiah, Sanaki, Elincia, Geoffrey, Stefan, Ena and Kurthnaga were actively fighting and healing if able. The three herons were with their respective kingly (and queenly) bodyguard, singing to spur everyone on. Pelleas was writing in his diary, with Sothe occasionally stealing it to write commentary. Oliver, who had been forbidden from coming in but snuck in anyway, was hitting on Reyson and Rafiel and subsequently courting death.

And Soren was leaning against the barrier with a dramatic expression on his face, worried for Ike. This kept their A-support active, which Ike was thankful for, because he would need all the help he could –

The Black Knight approached and the stat screen popped up.

"What." The Black Knight looked puzzled. "That can't be right." He rubbed his head in confusion and squinted, just to make sure he was seeing it right.

Ike's face slowly spread into a very pleased grin. "Well, well, well. Look how the mighty hath fallen, o lord of the _only doing twenty points of damage_. That's _if_ you hit me, which you only have a thirty percent chance of doing."

"That can't be right," the Black Knight repeated. "You're five levels lower than I am."

"And yet I still double you for nine points of damage each!" Ike crooned. He may or may not have been doing a happy dance. "A hundred percent accuracy! And my biorhythm is at its lowest which means I'm only going to get _better!_ Eat that!"

Zelgius glared at him. "Don't you think the dance is excessive? You're acting like a child."

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how _badly you suck_."

"Ike, I respect you as a warrior, but you're being a jerk."

Ike gasped, covering his heart. "_I'm_ a jerk? Me? What about you, Mr. There's No Such Thing as Too Much Overkill? Mr. There's a Bunch of Heroes in My Attack Range and I'm Going to Pick the Weakest One and Slaughter Them? Mr. I'm Going to Murder Ena in Cold Blood? Mr. Don't Worry Gawain, After You're Done Bleeding to Death I'll Kill Your Daughter? Yeah. Sure. You're just a paragon of virtue and innocence, and I'm a jerk."

"You're taking all that out of context," Zelgius grumbled.

"Oh I so am not! And I can definitely come up with more ways that _you're _a huge jerk, but I'd rather just engage in this fight so I can sit it out while my friends get experience!"

"Uh, Ike?" Micaiah called, "If you beat him, then the stage ends."

Ike paused at that, looked at the crew, looked at Zelgius, looked at the stats, looked at their respective ranges, and exclaimed, "You can't catch me, neener neener neener!" and took off running.

As Ike ran in circles around his half of the stage, the other half of the team scrambled to stay alive under an onslaught of powerful mooks; except for Soren, who sat down at the barrier and pulled a book onto his lap, catching up on his reading. Eventually the four laguz royals decided that they were sick of getting hit and only doing mediocre damage, and so transformed and wiped out the enemy forces.

"It's really cheap when you think about it," Geoffrey muttered to Elincia while driving enemies away from his lady love. "What was the point of us doing all that work when the game sent us a group of super-powered killing machines at the last minute?"

Elincia shrugged. "What I would like to know is why you only showed up the stage before the end. It would have been nice to actually _see_ you." He blushed, adorkably.

Meanwhile, Micaiah turned to Sanaki. "He's your snitch; how do you want to deal with him?"

"Who's my what?" the Empress demanded, uncomfortable talking to Micaiah as always.

"Levail, he's your snitch. Your traitor. How do you want to deal with him?"

Sanaki hummed. "Well, I was thinking 'enormous meteors from the sky crush him and he dies for betraying his Empress.' Classic, yet effective."

Micaiah froze, a pained look on her face. After Sanaki poked her enough times, Micaiah said, "Sorry, traumatic flashback. You were saying?"

"Meteors."

"Ah. You're going to pimp-slap him like a mofo. Got it. Go for it."

Not wanting to know what she just said, Sanaki decided to kill Levail from a distance, which she accomplished easily because Levail also has no resistance. He died as he lived – loyal to Zelgius, and that's about it.

When the entire room was clear of all enemies except the Black Knight, Micaiah gave Ike the go-ahead to get their climactic battle underway. Ike ran back to get his A-support bonuses, and the next turn the Black Knight finally caught up with him, panting. "Finally… caught you… time… for battle… dramatic… duel!"

Soren was still reading. "Oh Harry Dresden, how often do you get beaten up?" he asked fondly, turning the page.

Ike was a little out of breath himself, but hid it better thanks to not wearing half as much armor. "Let's begin!"

They fought. After two games, it was destined to be anticlimactic. It was hit-hit, dodge, dodge, hit-hit, hit-hit, dodge, hit-hit - death.

"Argh, I am slain! Seph… iran… you'll… join me… soon… won't be… alone… for too long," Zelgius gasped out.

"Gaaaay," said Ike.

"Hypocrite jerk," Zelgius muttered before fading from existence.

Micaiah didn't notice or care that he was dead, despite the fact he'd saved her countless times. Sanaki was a little perturbed because he used to work for her, but she wasn't sad or anything that he was dead. In fact, no one seemed to care.

Except Pelleas. Pelleas cared… but only in his diary.


	8. Interlude Soren versus Mia RD

Interlude: Deadpan Snarker versus Genki Girl

The Greil Mercenaries were hiding out in the bushes, watching the public execution of Lucia, Elincia's spirit sister. "So what's our plan, Soren?" asked Ike, barely hidden by the foliage.

Soren snorted. "As if we need one. Shinon cuts her rope so she doesn't die, and we wipe the floor with the rest of them."

Rolf waved excitedly. "What about me! I'm an archer too!"

"_Fine_. Shinon can cut her rope after Rolf chickens out, and we wipe the floor with the rest of them."

Even as Rolf protested Soren's assessment of his skills, Boyd got him in a headlock and gave him a noogie. "I hate you all," said Shinon, sauntering to go show off.

"Now wait, what about Lucia? Who's going to catch her?" Mist asked.

"Catch?" asked Soren.

"You know, when she falls. Brother, can you catch her?"

Soren cut off Ike's reply with a hand. "Who cares if she falls? A fall won't snap her neck or suffocate her. She should be happy with just that."

"Oh Soren, you never change," Titania said with something like fondness.

Shinon definitely did show off. When Rolf choked, Shinon fired the shot that cut Lucia's noose, causing the young woman to fall backwards. Rather than letting her hit the ground, as per Soren's plan, Ike caught her before gently laying her on the ground for Rhys and Mist to take care of. He didn't see the soldiers sneaking up behind him, which was all right because Soren flung them around like tissues in the wind.

He, however, did not notice the soldiers sneaking up on _him_. Mia stepped in and cut down one who was about to stab Soren in the back. "Soren! Always lost in your books! What have a said about watching your back?"

Soren looked at her. "Nothing. We've never spoken to each other before this moment."

Mia considered that. "Wow. You're right. We haven't. That's a shame! We _could_ be best friends!"

"No, we couldn't."

Mia flung herself onto him in a hug. "We so could! We'd be an awesome best friend buddy group, you and me! You can do lots of pushups and I can kick the crap out of things!"

"Why would I do pushups?" Soren asked, trying to dislodge her. She wasn't budging.

"Because you're so fraaaail! You need to lighten your wardrobe and do some exercises, and eat like six times what you eat now so you don't look like you're anorexic!"

Soren thought about it before saying, "I am _not_ becoming your rival."

She pouted. "You're no fun at _all_."

"Of course not. Are we done here? There's a battle going on, and we're wildly off-script."

She sighed. "Yeah yeah. Ahem, 'Soren! Always lost in your books, what have I said about watching your back?'"

This time Soren kept his mouth.


	9. Ike versus Black Knight PoR2

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to SylviustheStrange for the idea :) Sorry if I didn't give it the awesomeness it deserves.

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><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Seven:<em>

The port of Toha was a bustling yet somehow quiet town, completely oblivious to the fact that their entire nation had been ransacked and the vast majority of their royal family had been wiped out. Ike had gotten a few viewpoints on why this was the case, but Soren's admission that "They suck, Ike," had been the one to stick with him.

"Ugh. This place is a mess," Ike muttered as he waited in the square for his companions to return. They had to catch a boat to take the Princess to Begnion, and the sooner they moved out the better.

Of course, it couldn't be that easy.

First, Daein soldiers showed up, crying out for the blood of Crimean refugees. Thankfully, no one knew who the refugees were (certainly not the suspiciously large group of people who just came into town, no sirree!) and so they were safe, for now. "Wow, guys, there's a lot of Daein soldiers around!" Ranulf exclaimed cheerfully, catching up to the heroes. "You'll just have to be a little bit sneaky when you go to the port. You're looking for Nasir. He's definitely _not_ a laguz, so ignore his pointy ears and draconian features."

"Cool," said Ike.

"Literally, because he's cold-blooded," replied Ranulf.

"What?"

"Nothing." Ranulf was actually smiling when a woman ran by, accidentally bumping him in the back and dislodging his hood. Within minutes, a whole group of peasants attacked Ranulf in fury, crying out horrible epithets against the sub-human. Ranulf, for his part, still had a smile on his face.

"What are you doing!" Ike demanded, "Why aren't you fighting back!"

"I'm basking!" the cat-boy replied gleefully. "In the next game if I didn't transform and these people were hitting me, I'd be dead! But this doesn't hurt _at all_. Dang, this is a good feeling."

"He's stronger than I am," Lethe said to Ike. "And you've seen what I can do in battle."

"You're like Titania on a timeframe," Ike agreed, looking impressed. "Okay! Let's get a move on, Greil Mercenaries!" Titania preened a little that she was the standard to which all others were judged.

Lethe went north, and ran into Zihark, a noble swordsman who secretly supported the laguz cause. Lethe didn't accept his help, and she didn't need his help, but got it anyway.

There was a house in the middle of town that nobody had cared to notice yet. It was a nondescript sort of place, nicely kept, centrally located but otherwise hardly of any special concern for the heroes. Until the door opened. When the door opened, it became of _major_ concern.

The Black Knight – known to Ike as his father's murderer, known to the others as just a huge guy in even huger armor and with the hugest sword ever – sauntered out into daylight. He stood there, taking in his surroundings, before turning his gaze north.

"Oh, fu-" said Ike.

The Black Knight slowly lumbered up the bridge, walking to the closest target. He actually had two options: a transformed Lethe, or Zihark.

"You might want to move. You're not match for me," said the Black Knight before killing Zihark in one hit.

The rest of the Greil Mercenaries and Friends™ stared at where Zihark had once been standing. Abruptly, the majority of them began screaming in horror.

"ck," said Ike.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Rolf shrieked, which was the party's general consensus.

Ike cupped his hands around his mouth. "HEY! YOU! WHY DID YOU KILL HIM IF YOU TOLD HIM TO MOVE AND HE WAS CLEARLY BENEATH YOUR NOTICE?"

"I'M EVIL!" the Black Knight called back.

"… … FAIR ENOUGH!"

"Does anyone else just want to keep going so we don't have to restart the mission?" Soren asked, always the pragmatic one. "One swordsman is not going to make or break us."

Rhys interjected, "Then someone has to say a few words of mourning for our newly departed companion. Are there any volunteers?"

"Oh Zihark, we hardly knew ye," said Mia.

There was a moment silence as the rest waited for her to continue that in some way. When she didn't, Mist finally ventured, "You know, I really do think we should restart. We've been doing pretty well so far, right? We'll do just as fine if we restart, too. We need all the help we can get, and besides, we know now that there's a monster in that house!"

"Good point, Mist." Ike restarted the stage.

"Tra la la, I'm getting hit and I don't caaaare," Ranulf sang as the villagers punched him. He even started doing a dance, much to the consternation of the people trying to beat him to death.

"I wish I could have done a song and dance number when _I_ was getting beaten to death," Soren muttered.

"What?" asked Ike.

"Nothing."

The Greil Mercenaries moved out once more. This time, Lethe and a terrified Zihark sat in the far corner of the map, just to make super sure that the Black Knight wouldn't kill them.

Daein reinforcements showed up a few turns in. One of them was incredibly excited to go sub-human hunting. The other was asleep. "Sir Haar! Sir Haar, wake up! There's sub-humans about!"

Haar yawned. "Sorry, being a complete badass makes me sooo tiiiired."

Jill glared at him. "Rub it in why don't you."

"Okay. It's so hard being so awesome!"

"I was being sarcastic!"

"Well, try being a badass instead."

She facepalmed. "Fine, fine, whatever. You stay here and take a nap, and I'm going to go hunt some sub-humans for the Glory of Daein, because in Daein we firmly believe that laguz are sub-humans and that we hate them and they need to die."

"There she goes again…" Haar muttered.

"Why, we people of Daein have been raised since birth to hate and loathe the laguz peoples!" Jill exclaimed cheerfully. "But we're not the only ones who hate the sub-humans. So do the Branded! In fact, the Branded hate everyone, and everyone hates them."

"We do," Soren agreed.

"So really, were someone to be a Branded from Daein, they would be horribly, innately racist against the laguz, and the laguz would hate and loathe them on sight!" Jill continued brightly. "A Branded from Daein would have a lot of baggage to overcome. They definitely would _not_ be a friend to all living things, given that they would be from Daein, and also Branded. And even if they were, against all conceivable odds, a friend to all living things, all laguz would recognize that they were Branded and refuse to associate with them. They would be just like me and have to learn how to accept others for their differences. Part of their journey would be coming to grips with indoctrination and past issues, which would be very difficult to get over and involve lots of turmoil and making peace with the good and the bad of every race. They would be a compelling character with real faults, having to learn to judge others based on their actions, and not the actions of their species!"

"Go ahead and say it," Haar muttered, waving her on.

Jill looked at the sky and shook her fist. _"FUCK YOU, MICAIAH, YOU TOTAL MARY SUE!_"

"Amen," Soren muttered.

"Do you feel better?" Haar asked Jill.

"A little. Can I go sub-human hunting?"

"No."

"Aw, darn."

The Greil Mercenaries stayed out of Jill's range, and she subsequently did not move. The Black Knight popped out of the house in the middle of the map, prompting plenty of screams from the heroes, but he also didn't move because, "Wow, they're far away, and that's a lot of effort, even though if I would just move, it'd be game over."

"Hi guys," said Nasir when everyone crowded around the dock. "I'm definitely just a normal beorc, and I'm 100 percent _not_ a mole."

"Well duh, you're clearly not a mole, unless you like dirt," Boyd said.

"... … … I'm sure we'll get along great."

The ship sailed out into the ocean, on the path to Begnion.

"Oh, I let them escape," said the Black Knight. "Darn."


	10. Ike versus Plot Twists RD

A/N: Just a quickie update today - I have two more chapters that are aaalmost done, plus a plethora of ideas. This is waaay too much fun to write, mostly because you're all enjoying it :D

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><p><strong><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Eight:<em>**

"Yo Ike, Zelgius is the Black Knight," said Ranulf.

"Huh," replied Ike, rubbing his head. "You're kidding."

"Nope. I did the math. It's him."

"Yeah, but… who's Zelgius?"

Ranulf's tail swished as he thought about how to best explain this. "Big guy, red armor, works for Begnion?"

Ike rubbed his chin. "I think I might know who you're talking about. It's like, right on the edge of my brain."

"Uh… That guy who beat up Skrimir. The guy who beat up Skrimir and wasn't me."

Ike's face lit up in recognition. "Oh yeah, that guy! I remember that guy. Wow. Huh." He looked disappointed. "That's… not… … a good plot twist."

Ranulf nodded. "Yeah, I know. And while there was probably a better way to let you know, that would have involved a lot of effort on my part, and I'm a cat. We don't do effort."

"Fair enough. On the plus side, I definitely didn't think _he_ was the Black Knight. I was hoping it'd be someone cooler, though. Like my dad. Now _that _would have been a mind-screw."

"Didn't you bury your father? Didn't the Black Knight _kill_ your father?" Ranulf's ears were drooping in confusion.

"Well yeah," Ike replied, "but that's why it would have been an awesome mind-screw plot twist. My dad killed my dad so he could pretend to be dead so he could kill me to be able to imagine what it was like to kill my dad. Craziness!"

"… … Yep. Craziness, all right."

Ike was clearly pondering this deeply. "Know who else would've been a better Black Knight? Ashnard."

"But they were seen together. Just like him and your dad."

"Oh, Tibarn! That would've been cool too."

"Yeah… sure…"

"Orrrrr maybe someone-"

"Listen, I gotta go, brosif, catcha later?" Ranulf held up his fist.

Ike returned the bro-fist. "Not really," he said, "No offense, but you're not going into the endgame."

"Fair enough, I'm sick of being a required character anyway. Ciao!"

Ike stood alone. "Maybe it could have been Oliver!" Then he giggled. "Yeah right, Oliver's totally dead."


	11. Ike versus Supports and Dragons RD

A/N: It's high time I start responding to people better! :D

This chapter is dedicated to TheNinjaAlchemist95, because I was stuck on this stage anyway and then, bam, suggestion. Lovely!

I'm very proud to have spread around the Micaiah Sue status. Knowledge is power! If it weren't for that whole "is a Daein Branded and yet isn't a racist" bit, I might have liked her. Alas. On behalf of Jill and Soren, I had to hate her at least a little bit.

And I definitely agree that the game would've been a lot better if Greil had been the Black Knight XD I don't know, maybe Greil and Gawain as multiple personalities or somesuch? Anyway, it would have been way better than Zelgius!

And to L.C. Li, I've never heard of Darths and Droids, but it sounds Star Warsy and thus awesome. I approve :D

Also, I love Pelleas. Don't judge me and him for his… Pelleasness!

Thanks to everyone for reviewing :D I still have three more ideas after this… no, wait, four. I have four. I'm still thinking though, and I'd love to hear from you!

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><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Nine:<em>

The Tower was incredibly tall, of course, but it managed to be far, far larger on the inside than it was on the outside. This was a fact the Chosen of the Goddess were all very familiar with, considering they were marching up from the second level to the third level. Due to the length of the walk, many of the heroes who wouldn't have bothered talking to each other now had no choice but to do so lest they die of silent awkwardness.

That was why Micaiah finally decided to speak to Ike.

"So, Ike," she began tentatively, albeit regally, "has Sothe ever told you about our intense bond formed through years of living together on the streets of Daein? I rescued him whilst he was a young child on the verge of starving and resorting to petty thievery. I left him, however, when I wanted to keep him safe from my cursed heritage. We reunited and I realized that time was fleeting and if he wanted me, we would stay together. So the two of us banned together, vowing to stay with each other throughout anything, so we always knew that somewhere we had an unerring ally and confidant."

"Yeah, not anymore," Ike replied, blasé.

Micaiah blinked. "You destroyed our A-support?"

"It was Soren's idea. He said it wasn't tactically sound." Somewhere, Soren was smirking. "Something about how he's a front-line fighter and you're not, so you'd never be close anyway. I don't know, I don't listen to the tactics."

Micaiah was frowning. "But we have years of an intense, unbreakable bond! You can't just… break it on a whim!"

"Can, and did. Besides, it was really weird. Are you two doing each other, or brother and sister? I shouldn't have to wonder, y'know?"

"Well maybe I should break up _your_ A-support with Soren!" she snapped back.

Ike laughed. "You're not the hero, number one, and number two, our A-support is awesome. Besides, I'd die if I couldn't dodge, and if I die the game ends!"

She sighed, giving up. "Okay, so who am I with now?"

"Pelleas."

The King of Daein let out a gleeful squeal.

Micaiah's delicate brow furrowed in confusion. "Who?"

"Oh come on!"

"That guy with the curly blue hair," replied Ike. "He begged me to set it up. And I mean that literally. He was on his knees and everything. There were tears involved. I wasn't sure if I wanted to give him a hug or punch him, so I did both. He thanked me. I'm not sure how to feel about that."

Micaiah was still frowning. "So who is Sothe with now?"

"Sanaki, but that's tentative. He and Ena both suck, so one of them is going into the barracks once I figure out who's worse. It'll probably be Sothe, but who knows, he might surprise me. He's got Cancel so if he does Bane-Cancel-Hit he'd be pretty good. But Ena can restore people, and considering my… ahem… slightly subpar magic resistance, that's pretty valuable to me."

Micaiah started snickering, remembering the Sleep Staff Incident of Ike versus the Fourth Wall Round Three. Ike scowled but didn't call her on it, because he had no defense against _that_, either.

Kurthnaga interrupted their conversation. "Guys, we have a problem. I know what's on the next floor."

"Your balls?" Tibarn snarked. He and Naesala exchanged a brofist.

Kurthnaga gave them a mildly offended look before continuing, "My father and the Goldoan Army."

Immediately all snarking ceased.

"Your father," Caineghis repeated, voice dull. "As in, the King of Goldoa, the Dragon King. Hero of the Goddess. That guy."

"Yes, that guy."

Nailah frowned at her fellow royals. "From the expressions on your faces, we are in trouble."

"Dheginsea-"

"Gesundheit," said Ike.

Naesala glared at him but continued, "is the single most powerful laguz in Tellius. He's thousands of years old and incredibly stubborn. He will hurt us."

"That's not including the horde of dragons he'll also send at us. None of them will be pushovers either," Tibarn added. "Essentially, we're going to be fighting for our lives."

There was silence amongst the group. "Where's the punch-line?" asked Ike.

"There _is no punch-line,_" Kurthnaga said sternly.

There really wasn't. Dheginsea was monstrous and powerful, and surrounded by countless draconic mooks. This was not going to be an easy stage for our heroes.

"_OH ASHNARD THERE ARE DRAGONS EVERYWHERE!_" Pelleas, a slightly less than strong kid, wrote in his diary. His diary of a wimpy kid, you might even say.

"Dragons dragons everywhere, and all the boards did creak," Caineghis recited while the others snapped their fingers.

The dragons were not the hard part of the stage. The mages – sans Sanaki, who would get one-shot and die – were all fast enough to dodge, so they either killed the dragons or healed the warriors who were the ones killing the dragons. It was arduous, decidedly not as easy as the first two levels had been, but it wasn't a terrible experience. Even Dheginsea firing power across the stage and injuring anyone near wasn't so awful.

"All right, Dragon King, if you won't let us pass to fight the Goddess, we'll have to cut you down and walk over you!" Ike declared, hefting his sword.

"My, what a stupid speech," the King growled back.

Ike froze, looking confused.

"Your blessings are powerful but equal to mine-"

"No, no, wait, what was that? My speech was stupid? That… sounds really familiar." His brow furrowed as he thought about it, before he lightened up. "Hey, Soren!"

Soren, Elincia, Geoffrey and Stefan all let out sighs, knowing where this was going.

"It works out! Ashnard knocked up Almedha, who's a black dragon! This guy is probably your grandpa! And considering you're both kind of jerks, it super fits!"

"Why do you insist on antagonizing me?" Soren snapped back. "Do you _want_ me to not heal you, is that it?"

"It's not antagonizing, it's totally the truth! Besides, even if you don't heal me, you're not close enough to any of the other healers to hurt them this time."

Soren switched out Rexcaliber for Blizzard pointedly. Micaiah hid herself underneath Pelleas' cloak on reflex.

"… … … Anyway, you should just talk to him! Maybe you'll get a special conversation in this game!"

Soren measured his odds. Actually, he would do decent damage and survive the attack. "Maybe…"

"I wonder if I do!" Pelleas exclaimed happily. Not only could he maybe be a hero, but Micaiah was hiding behind him! This was the best day ever! "He's my grandpa too, sort of!" He was ignored.

Soren stepped up to the dragon king. The two faced each other down. "You may look almost identical to two of my sons, as well as be powerful enough to have come up to this level of the tower which implies that you're more than just a beorc, but I'm still not going to talk to you. IRE!"

Soren gave Ike a dirty look even as he died. Ike restarted the stage.

"Okay, ex-nay on the not-super-eroes-hay attacking the agon-dray," said Ike.

"Who exactly are you trying to throw off with your awful pig latin?" Sanaki demanded, putting on her best I am the Empress look. "Honestly, Ike, you're an idiot. Why are you the hero?"

"I'm bluntly honest, awesome, and sexy," he replied. Soren, Elincia, Sothe and Pelleas all nodded. "Also, you run a country that went out of its way to hire the world's worst people as their leaders." Then he looked at Micaiah. "You guys didn't do much better." Micaiah, Sothe and Pelleas all nodded in recognition of that. "So you see, because I didn't give anyone with a painful resemblance to Snidely Whiplash or a _Lord of the Rings _villain a public position of power, I win."

"Touché."

They re-embarked on the stage, and by the time the dragons stopped showing up, Ike had already engaged the Dragon King. Kurthnaga and Ena had as well, although Kurthnaga kept missing and Ena didn't hurt him even if she did hit him. "You know, you're the closest thing I'm going to have to a grandpa-in-law. Can't you be nice and embrace your thirty percent chance of missing me?" Ike asked, looking at the stats.

"No," said Dheginsea, who managed to be a massive beast of terror and destruction and yet look incredibly bored.

"Maybe you could stop healing yourself for more damage than I'm inflicting every turn," he suggested.

"No."

"Aw c'mon. Fine." He turned to look back at his army. "Laguz kings! It's time to rock this joint!"

Being the showoff he is, Tibarn was the first to engage Dheginsea. "Oh, bring it on, big guy," the hawk king crooned, clearly elated at getting to fight such a powerful opponent.

"You're an idiot," said Dheginsea.

Ike turned to Soren. "He's like you before character development."

"Shut up."

"Again, point proven."

Tibarn attacked, doing a decent amount of damage. Dheginsea sighed, looked at his claws in bored, and said, "Ire."

"Oh come-"

The stage restarted. "Okay, new plan! Only people with Nihil attack him!" Ike proclaimed, looking harried. It wasn't every day someone one-shot Tibarn, after all. "All the Nihils go to the Laguz royals, and you guys just gang-maul him."

"That seems unethical," Geoffrey pointed out timidly.

"Listen, Blue Me, do you want to spend the rest of your life here or do you want to move on?" Ike demanded. Poor Geoffrey was left to wonder why he was apparently Blue Ike. "That's what I thought. Let's go!"

Even Dheginsea couldn't stand up against an all-laguz-royal assault, even if he was the best laguz royal among them. He died dramatically and as a true man to be respected. Kurthnaga, of course, cried at the loss of his father.

Ike didn't care. "Good job kids, let's get going!" Kurthnaga turned to give big eyes of woe, but Ike didn't care about that either and they all started marching to the next level.

"Oh, it's because I'm like Ike because I'm the replacement Elincia love interest, but I wear blue," Geoffrey said to himself, sounding dejected. "Why can't he be Red-Cloaked Geoffrey? ... I know why." He sighed.

"Why is there no respect for the dead in this group?" Elincia muttered, more to herself than to anyone else. "First no one cared about Hetzel, then Zelgius, and now Dheginsea."

"I thought about saying something nice about the Black Knight, but Yune wouldn't let me," Micaiah pointed out to her. "I think at this point we're just background scenery."

"Weren't we all just background scenery once Ike showed up?"

"Touché, again."


	12. Interlude: Elincia versus Jerks PoR RD

A/N: I'm going to Hell for this, I can feel it XD

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><p><em>Interlude Three: Elincia versus Jerks; or, Characterization<em>

The Greil Mercenaries were all shoved into one room, ready to talk to a young woman who they'd found on the side of the road after a particularly strenuous battle. She'd been surrounded by the corpses of Daein soldiers and Crimean defenders, but nobody in the Mercenaries recognized her. Greil had gathered them all together after she'd woken up, so they could decide what to do with her.

"Pardon my bluntness, but I have some questions for you. Tell me, who are you? What were you doing in that place?" Greil demanded of her even as Rhys got her a glass of water.

"You took me in and cared for me. I will… place my trust in you." The orange-eyed woman blinked and took a breath. To the surprise of everyone present, a soothing violin theme began playing in the background. "My name is Elincia Ridell Crimea. I am the daughter of King Ramon of Crimea."

"What?" asked Ike, voicing the surprise of the entire company.

"That's an odd claim to make," Greil murmured. "I've never heard of King Ramon having any children."

"That is… to be expected. My heritance, my very existence, has never been made public, to avoid national turmoil. You see, I was born after my uncle, Lord Renning, was named as successor to the throne. So…"

The Mercenaries digested this bit of information.

"That is the biggest crock of bull I have ever heard in my life," Greil said.

The tension broke. "_Thank you_!_"_ Shinon exclaimed, giving his boss a high five. "Seriously, how stupid does this chick think we are? A mystical hidden princess!"

Elincia looked completely perplexed.

Titania laughed. "I mean really, what on earth would be the point of hiding a princess? Why not just name Renning her regent, or just, you know, _not_ make her the heir if Renning was so important?"

"Because apparently we disown our kids if they're inconvenient!" Gatrie exclaimed, laughing.

Mist was frowning. "You could all be a little bit more diplomatic, you know." She was ignored.

"Guess what, everyone?" Soren voiced, "I'm _really_ the super secret Prince of Daein that no one's ever heard of." Everyone started laughing. Ike cracked up so hard he fell over. Even Shinon gave him a high-five for that one.

"You're all a bunch of… really not nice people," Elincia muttered, cross.

Approximately three years later…

Duke Ludveck laughed, even locked up in jail as he was. "I win, Elincia," he said. "Your sister is going to die if you don't hand over the kingdom to me!"

The beautiful violin theme began up once again. Elincia cleared her throat. "Lord Ludveck, all your dissatisfaction and misgivings about me are well founded. However, do you realize how many lives you've simply thrown away? Strength without compassion does not a ruler make. You care nothing for the people, sir. You cloak your desire to rule with pretty speeches, but it is petty avarice nonetheless! Allowing you to plant the seeds of rebellion and play havoc with the lives of my people is a failure for which I must answer. But I will see Crimea through this trial. I will give my people the future they deserve, no matter the cost."

"Yeah your sister is going to die," said Ludveck.

Elincia glared at him, gave him the finger, and stormed off.

"She's growing up," he said wistfully.

More time after that…

A Crimean soldier approached Queen Elincia, looking incredibly harried and nervous. "Your Majesty, the Begnion army has crossed the border. They are seizing food and supplies and calling it tribute to the empire. There are no casualties yet, but they are acting like bandits!"

"I see…" the Queen muttered, "So they simply ignored me." She let out a weighted sigh.

"What shall I tell the troops, Your Majesty?" asked loyal Lucia.

Elincia paused to thoughtfully consider her options before ordering, "Order the Royal Knights to mobilize. Ride out and advise Begnion to withdraw. If they do not comply… I approve the use of force to remove them from our lands."

Lord Saron, an aristocrat who had been a thorn in Elincia's side since even before she'd removed Ludveck, looked aghast at her proposal. "But… Your Majesty! This is the Begnion army we are talking about! It would be unwise to provoke them!"

Elincia looked at him, her eyes narrowed. "What does this Valtome look like?"

Lord Saron paled. "Wh-what?"

Elincia snarled at him. "What country are you from?"

"What?"

"What ain't no country I ever heard of!" she snapped back. Saron looked ready to flee, but Geoffrey flanked him dutifully so he couldn't. "Do they speak Begnion in What?"

"Wh-what?"

"_THE STANDARD LANGUAGE OF BEGNION MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?"_

"Y-yes I speak Begnion!" Saron cried, peeing himself.

"Then you know what I'm saying! _Describe what Valtome looks like!_"

Saron did not know how to handle this badass Queen of his. "Wh-what?"

Lucia and Geoffrey both winced on behalf of Saron, moreso when Elincia punched him in the face. "_SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN! __**SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN**_**, **_I DARE YA, I DOUBLE-DARE YA YOU MOTHERFUCKER SAY 'WHAT' ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!_

"He's – he's – he's gay!" the lord gasped out, terrified.

"Go on!"

"And – he's – clearly crazy! Kefka laugh and everything!"

"Does he look like a bitch?" Elincia demanded.

"What?" asked Lord Saron, and Elincia shanked him.

"She's become a strong queen," said Geoffrey with stars in his eyes.


	13. Ike versus Badasses PoR

A/N: Me? Have a game!crush on Stefan? Neeeeveeeer.

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><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Ten; or, Ike versus Badasses:<em>

Lethe was unimpressed with these beorcs she'd been saddled with. On a scale from one to ten, they were all worthless; well, except for the redhead paladin. The two of them and Mordecai could probably take out the entire Daein army by themselves, and it really made her wonder how come they bothered with anyone else. Even worse, why send her, alone, into the corner of a desert? Yes she could easily handle the laguz who had taken up banditry, but she was clearly more impressive than any of the beorc, so why send her _into the corner?_ All she'd been told was "Try stepping on a bunch of squares because something special will happen," but that didn't mean much, especially not coming from Ike. Ike was a moron, even more so than the others. Except Boyd. He was smarter than Boyd. Then again, so was everyone.

The corner of the desert was unimpressive and she vowed to herself that if Ike was messing with her, she would rip his face off. He wasn't racist, but that didn't mean he wasn't also an asshole.

There was someone behind her!

She spun quickly, but there was nothing but a patch of grass in the white desert sand. … A patch of grass that hadn't been there before. What the…

A head popped out of the sand, revealing that the grass had actually been a full head of spiky green hair. "Hello," the head said pleasantly, and the body attached to the head began to claw its way free.

No, not its. _His_. Very, very much _his_.

Lethe would have said something like _oh goddess_ except that would have required breath, and she didn't have any. This was the single most attractive creature, beorc or laguz, she had ever laid eyes upon. He was like sex on two legs. And even better, he felt _wrong _to her, which made the idea of them being together even more alluring. The man shook a little, dislodging sand and moving in slow motion.

"I'm sorry to have surprised you," Mr. Sexy said, voice deep and suave. "It's just that I've never seen such an intriguing lady laguz such as yourself before."

_Oh and he's polite! Ack – Lethe, say something scathing! _"Who are you?" she demanded, although without half as much venom as she'd wanted to be in there.

He quirked an incredibly perfect eyebrow. "If you ask someone their name, isn't it polite to give your name first?"

She melted on the inside. _Thank you, Ike_.

Back where Ike had managed to make it six squares, he was frowning. "Tell me again why I sent her alone in the corner of the map?"

"Because according to the guide, there's a recruit-able character up there," replied Boyd, who was also stuck with Ike. "Don't ask me; it was Soren who suggested it."

"Oh look! Here comes someone!" Rolf cheered, pointing in their direction. "It's Lethe and… some guy!"

As the two came closer, it seemed like the world began moving slower. "I think I just lost my virginity," Mist murmured, looking incredibly impressed.

"I lost mine again, oh _peanuts_," Marcia giggled. Even her Pegasus looked awed.

Jill's wyvern landed hard, and her jaw dropped. "He's just as badass as Sir Haar," she breathed, looking a cross between giddy and in awe.

Soren ran back to them. "And there's my other support," he said, looking appreciative. "Very nice."

"Hey, why do you get all the hot studs to support with?" Marcia demanded of him. "All I get is Kieran, and we all know he's with Oscar." Oscar, Kieran and especially Gatrie (Marcia also supported with him) would have complained, but they weren't there because that would have involved them being able to move on the sand. "Unfair." Soren merely smirked and adjusted his long silky hair.

"I don't like this," said Ike. He had practically been covetously-painted envy-green with a jealousy-paintbrush. "Look at him, all… ten levels higher than most of us… and his… suaveness… and… Astra, oh goddess… and…"

"Dude," said Boyd, which was all he could say. "_Dude."_

"He's like me but better," Zihark breathed. "Ike, if you put me in the barracks and replace me with that guy, I wouldn't judge you for an instant."

By this point a lovelorn Lethe and the mysterious stranger had made it back to the army. "Well met," the man said pleasantly. Mist fainted. "My name is Stefan. I would be interested in joining your army so that I may further my pursuit of knowledge."

"He's an intellectual too," Soren whispered, fanning himself for reasons that had nothing to do with the desert heat. "Yes, yes please!"

Ike very much considered turning this guy down. He really did. "Okay, you can come – I mean, gah, you can, er, join – I mean you can ah, um. Yes. Welcome to the Greil Mercenaries."

A crow laguz descended from the north, attacking Stefan. Stefan could have one-shot it, but instead he activated Astra and beat its corpse to tiny little pieces without breaking a sweat. Which was doubly impressive, considering he was in the desert.

Mist fainted again. Lethe began purring.

"That's it," Ike muttered, sounding both insanely envious while also angry, "he's the last badass who gets to join." At Jill's despondent expression, he amended, "except Haar." She smiled, content to wait for that glorious day.

Volke merely smirked knowingly.


	14. Interlude Shinon versus Badasses PoR RD

A/N: Warning for overuse of a certain word. I love to read your reviews so keep sending them in, you awesome and wonderful people!

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><p><em>Interlude: Shinon versus Badasses<em>

The rumor that the army had special secret society was almost as old as the army itself. There were only a few things that were known about it:

1) Ike was not a member. This was something that he did not care about, because he wasn't paying enough attention to even know that there were any secret societies anyway.

2) There were very few members, between two and five. There had to be at least two or else it wasn't a group, and if there were more than five, then everyone would know, because there weren't more than five people in the army who could keep a secret.

2) Shinon was also not a member. He cared. Deeply.

Shinon cared because he knew full well that the group was not just a secret society, it was a secret _badass_ society. You could only join if you were a badass, hence the name. Shinon considered himself one, and so was shocked and appalled when he was denied admittance.

He'd asked Volke, assuming (rightfully) that the assassin was a member. "Hey, you," said Shinon, just a little bit tipsy, "I know you're a… a whatsh-it. A badash. I wanna join yer group. I'm totally awesome. I got thish bow, and like ridiculoush defenshe, and sho I should be a member, 'caushe I'm awesome."

Volke, ever the expressionless and solemn one, laughed at him. "I can't _wait_ to tell the others about this one!" he said, giggling. "You! You think you can join!"

"Hey!" Shinon protested, shaking his fist at the second Volke that was standing just back from the first, "Y' can' (hic!) y' can't just say that t'meeee! Don' y' know who I am! I'm – I'm – Gatrie! Tell him who I am!"

Gatrie wasn't there. He was also drunk, and busy hitting on Soren, unaware that he was hitting on a dude and also unaware of approaching death in the form of Ike (and Soren himself, but Soren would likely let Ike do it if only to save supplies).

"Listen, kid," Volke said, incredibly patronizing, "Maybe next war you can join us, but until then, I'm sorry to say it, but you don't qualify at all."

Shinon nearly cried, although that was the alcohol's fault of course. "Who's 'us'?"

Volke sighed, looking as if he had contact embarrassment. "You'll likely forget this in the morning, but fine – me, Stefan and Haar are the Badass Trio. Considering you can't compete with any of us, I'd suggest you find another secret society to join."

"But there'sh only the We Love Ike Club, and the Society for Off-Kilter Swears," Shinon mourned. "I swear just fine and I _hate_ Ike!"

"Yeah, well, that sounds like a personal problem."

With that, Shinon crumpled down onto the floor, unconscious, and Volke left him there. However, when Shinon woke up the next morning, he _did_ remember who the Badass Trio were, because Volke had severely underestimated Shinon's alcohol tolerance. His first step was to stalk the one easiest to follow, which was Haar. Haar spent a good deal of time taking naps under trees and ignoring people who nagged at him to wake up. After Shinon nearly burnt a hole through his eye-patch with death glares, Haar finally woke up and sauntered to go to the meeting.

It wasn't a fancy affair. Stefan, Volke and Haar just sat in a tent, played poker and drank beer. Sometimes they'd play Go Fish instead, or the occasional game of Uno, or instead of beer they'd drink the lemonade that Mist and Rolf would sell. Occasionally they'd swap stories about how much better they were than everyone else. Shinon burst in on their game and snapped, "Now that I've found you, I demand membership!"

They surrounded him, corralling him against the wall of the tent, which meant that he couldn't use his bow. "Oh," he said, realizing why he wasn't allowed to join.

"Yeah. All people have to do is stand too close to you and you'll die," said Stefan. "Besides, you've had some really bad levels. Why can't you double anyone?"

"It's not my fault," Shinon protested. "Besides, I'm way better than Rolf."

"That's true," Haar agreed, "but Astrid kicks the crap out of you, _and_ she isn't limited to just bows."

Shinon paused to think of a good retort. "Fuck all of you," he said.

Volke clasped his shoulder. "Like I said, do some push-ups, get some good levels, and we'll see you next war. Now get out before I go Lethality on your ass."

Shinon took that advice to heart – not just the fleeing, but also the working on improving himself. After the Mad King's War he spent his free-time building up his speed and power, so that by the time the Begnion-Laguz War began, he was a contender to join the secret group, if it showed up again. Not only that, but this time he promised himself he wasn't going to abandon the Mercenaries and sit on his ass for a couple months while everyone else improved, oh no.

So when the Goddess froze the world and our heroes met at the Tower of Judgment, Shinon confronted his former rejecters as a certified badass.

"I double everything, so if I have a Brave Bow I can hit them four times," said Shinon to Volke, Haar and Stefan. "My defense is even better than before, so is my HP, so I can take the hits dished out to me by Provoke. Oh, and in the Tower there's a Double Bow and once I get that I can hit people from one to three spaces away. My range is better than all of yours. Now you _have_ to let me join you."

The three men looked a bit disgruntled. "Well, here's the thing," said Volke. "We're not exactly a Trio anymore. We're now the Badass Brigade."

"It's making fun of the Dawn Brigade by implying they're not badasses," Haar supplied. "And they're really not. Not even Jill."

"So what's your point?" demanded Shinon.

"The point is that pretty much everyone is a member," Stefan explained. "There's the four laguz royals, and Ike is now certified, and even Soren."

"Elincia," Haar added, and they all nodded in agreement.

"Mia took a level in badass," Stefan said, "and Gatrie too because he's super-fast despite being enormous."

"Sothe, kind of… well, just going from him last game – level one thief that no one touched because, hah, I was there - to this one, you have to admit he really stepped up his game," Volke pointed out. The others nodded.

"Okay, I get your point," Shinon grumbled, ticked that he'd missed being part of an _exclusive_ club, "but can I still join?"

The Badass Trio may have become the Badass Brigade, but Shinon was still a member and so his world was a little more awesome.

And Astrid wasn't a member, which made it all the better.


	15. Ike versus Bloodpacts RD

_Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Eleven:_

Calill and Oscar had tag-teamed a local restaurant, removed all the stoned people and set up shop. They marketed their "new" place as an establishment for couples to relax and eat before invading the Tower of Judgment. Nearly all took advantage –Ike and Soren; Geoffrey and Elincia; Astrid and Makalov; Ranulf, Lethe, Lyre and Kyza; Naesala and Leanne; Pelleas and Micaiah; Boyd and Mist; Laura and Aran; drunken Shinon and drunken Gatrie, and so on and so forth.

"This is nice," said Ike wistfully over what appeared to be an entire plate of steak. "Good food, and a break."

"Exorbitant and pointless and needlessly exclusive, but I'll agree about the food," replied Debbie Downer Soren.

The peace didn't last long at all. Nailah and Tibarn stormed in as a terrifying, pissed-off duo and marched directly to Naesala and Leanne's table. "Where are they?" Tibarn demanded as Nailah picked the Raven King up by his collar. Unfortunately for her he was taller than her so some of the threat was lost, but he knew better than to point that out.

"They who?" he asked, the picture of perfect innocence. More than a few of the ongoing couples snickered at how off-putting it looked on him.

"Rafiel," Nailah growled. "You tell me where he is, or I will bash your head open all over your filet and eat it myself!"

"And Reyson," Tibarn added, although compared to her he sounded meek.

Naesala put up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Blood Pact," he said.

Pelleas and Micaiah let out dramatic gasps.

Naesala continued in a forlorn tone, "I was compelled through a malicious, cruel and unfair pact, passed down by the former king, to give Reyson and Rafiel to a Begnion senator. For free. Definitely for free."

Nailah dropped him. "You're kidding," she said, voice flat. "How many of those stupid things are there? Does no one in Tellius read things before signing them?"

"I…" Pelleas was about to protest before he sighed in acceptance. "… resemble that."

"So wait, these things are legit?" Tibarn asked Nailah, the only one participating whom he respected.

"Either they are, or everyone here is the victim of the greatest con of all time," she replied dryly. Makalov scoffed at that assertion, as did drunken Shinon. "Not that there's been any _proof_…"

Pelleas raised his hand helpfully. "My father had my grandpa accidentally sign one and that's how we got the Great Plague."

Before either laguz could reply, the audience made it clear what a stupid concept that was. Ike spoke up the loudest and said, "Wait a minute, your example is Ashnard? Oh yeah right. The plague – if it wasn't just a real plague – was probably him walking around and killing everyone."

"It would be in character," Pelleas admitted. Micaiah patted him on the arm to show her support, telling him quietly that he was a good person even if he was incredibly naïve.

Naesala glared at Ike. "Blood Pacts are totally real and are a good reason why I should be let go."

"Yeah right." Tibarn sighed. "No one believes you. They're a total piece of crap."

Pelleas started to cry.

"So, what did they threaten you with to get you to betray the Laguz Alliance?"

"The razing and destruction of Kilvas," replied Naesala brightly.

"And what did they threaten you with to get you to sell Reyson and Rafiel?"

"500,000 gold."

"Wha-"

"Each."

Soren, Makalov, drunken Shinon and drunken Gatrie all perked up.

Tibarn and Nailah both moved to punch him, but Naesala jumped back and put his hands up again. "I've already agreed to only take 600,000, so I've been punished enough!"

"Who got the rest?" Nailah demanded, not looking placated.

Naesala looked away, whistling.

"It buys more than you'd think," chirped Leanne.

No one in the restaurant saw that coming, and it was very clear from all the stares and jaw-dropping.

"_Leanne?_" Tibarn gasped out, "You, you _sold your brothers?_"

"Well…"

_Flashback_

Naesala was wincing as Leanne launched into a diatribe against him that he could barely understand; in fact, even if she hadn't been trilling in the Old Language he probably still couldn't have understood her just because she was talking with such rage. He was able to glean the words "Reyson," "Rafiel," "spleen," "sold," and "throat."

He held up his hands in a placating gesture. "But you don't understand," he said soothingly, "I got _three__ times_ the normal price for _both_ of them! A million total! And they both went to a good home, and I'll be sure to save them when the time comes!"

Leanne did not look convinced in the slightest.

"And you'll be getting a fourth of the profits!" he said, his voice filled with pain.

Leanne gave him an angry-yet-thoughtful look. "Half," she said in the New Language.

"Third."

"45 percent."

"40 percent."

She held out her hand for a shake. "Deal."

They shook on it. "I love you," Naesala gushed.

_End Flashback_

"Now I see why the herons are all supposed to be like Rafiel," Nailah said dryly.

"Okay, so who bought them? Who had the desire, the money, and the lack of being a big hunk of rock?" Tibarn demanded, arms crossed.

Ike figured it out and face-palmed. Hard. "I got this," he growled, storming out the restaurant, on a mission.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile…<em>

"Hetzel wasn't nearly so uncouth," Rafiel murmured over his cup of tea. "Therefore, I cannot blame this man's… zeal on his being a beorc. I'm not sure what to think of it, then."

"It's not a 'beorc' thing," said Reyson, fuming, "it's a 'fat piece of crap' thing."

"Now now, Reyson, even under duress you must always watch your language."

"Rafiel, I swear to the Goddess I will shiv you if you keep lecturing me."

The two heron princes were locked in a cage together. Admittedly it was a very nice cage, made of gold and filled with comfortable furniture for the two to lounge on, but it was a birdcage nonetheless. Reyson had snarled and paced for a good fifteen minutes while Rafiel sat down and partook of the beverages provided almost instantly, accepting his fate. He was used to it, after all.

Oliver sat outside the cage staring at the two of them, where he had been from the moment they'd been shoved in.

"I was impressed and in awe when I first acquired a most glorious manbird three years ago," said Oliver, drooling, "and then, when I chanced across a beautiful, delicate ladybird, I was in such rapture! But then, oh, then I learned that there was a _second exquisite manbird_ even more superb than the first, and I realized then that the Goddess did bless me, as Lekain had indicated!" He squealed in joy. "I knew I had to acquire you. I asked my old business partner, that crow, and he set an exorbitant fee for the two of you but it was worth it, even if he wouldn't give unto me the ladybird!"

"Aw, he wouldn't sell Leanne. That's adorable," Rafiel cooed. "Of course, I would have preferred he not sell us either, but one takes what one can get and all that."

Even as Rafiel pointed out the cuteness of their situation, Reyson had stood up and gripped the bars of his cage in fury. His wings were flapping and his grip was so strong that the gold was starting to bend. Not a whole lot, because all the pushups he'd done had given him little upper arm strength, but it was undeniably bending. Tibarn would have been proud (or turned on) if he'd seen it. "You are not keeping us, I am going to rip Naesala's head off, _and he's not prett – more handsome than I am!_"

Oliver snorted at that, although he kept his eyes on Reyson's hands to make sure he wasn't too successful at prying the cage open. "It's not that you're not stunning, oh gorgeous manbird; your brother is merely the shining sun to your glowing moon. Oh, the loveliness of the heron tribe is unsurpassable! Your beauty captivates me!"

Abruptly the door collapsed inward, cutting off the string of profanity-laced threats that had erupted from Reyson. "Damn it, Oliver!" Ike exclaimed, having kicked the door open, "I told you, no buying any herons!"

"But sir, I had to!" Oliver said, falling to his knees and begging for leniency. "I couldn't resist! Look at them! Two perfect beings of pale allure!"

"They've got long hair and wings! Get over it already!" Ike took the keys from Oliver and opened the cage up. "Tibarn and Nailah followed me so I suggest you run before they rip you apart, you weirdo." Oliver took Ike up on that advice and fled the scene. "Actually, they're still at the restaurant, waiting for you two," he said to the herons, "I just didn't feel like arguing with him anymore."

"Thank you, although I would have freed us in time," Reyson said roughly, preening himself. "Still, any less time in the presence of that… that… _creature_ is appreciated. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat dinner, murder Naesala and then take a shower." He stormed out.

Rafiel took his time, finishing his tea and stretching before exiting the cage. "Honestly, some of your kind is simply silly," he said to Ike, smiling.

"Eh, don't compare him to me, please. It hurts."

* * *

><p><em>Back at the restaurant<em>…

Reyson knew deep down he couldn't hurt Naesala, but that didn't mean he couldn't try. And try he did, by getting his hands wrapped around Naesala's neck and squeezing for all he was worth.

"Blood Pact!" Naesala exclaimed, his airways only slightly impaired. "I had no choice!"

"I can read your mind!" Reyson hissed.

"Oh yeah. Well, I think I've overstayed my welcome. Leanne, are you done with dinner?"

The youngest heron nodded, standing up. "_Honestly Reyson, you would have sold yourself if you had any idea what the going rates were,_" she trilled at him in the Ancient Language.

Reyson let go of Naesala, looking at his baby sister. "How much?" he inquired, eyebrow raised.

"_Half a million._"

Reyson whistled. Then he puffed up like a proud peacock as Naesala, Leanne and their money made a quick exit. "Did you hear that?" he asked Tibarn with a smirk on his face. "I'm worth more than all the funds this army has ever collected combined."

"Yeah yeah you're super special. Let's eat, I'm starving!"

Reyson sighed, rolled his eyes, and dragged Tibarn to a table.

Rafiel glided into the restaurant. Nailah instantly went over to him, inspecting him for damage. "I'm fine, my queen, I assure you," he said sweetly. "My only complaint is that tea is not as filling as I'd like. Shall we have dinner now? I am a bit famished, I admit. But please don't take that as a complaint, my dear." Content that her bird was unharmed, she took him to dinner to continue doting on and cosseting over him.

"So let me get this straight," said Laura, who was clearly angry even though she sounded incredibly sweet no matter what her temperament at the time, "Daein got involved in a costly, bloody war over something that didn't exist? And you two fell for it?"

"Lekain told me it was real!" Pelleas cried, "Why would Lekain lie to me?"

"You trusted _Lekain_? He could not be more evil!" Boyd slammed his hand on the table in emphasis. Mist sighed and ate her dinner, doing her best to ignore the emphatic side conversation. "I mean, I've seen that guy, and if he told me the sky is blue I wouldn't believe him because he's clearly _evil!_"

When Ike had left, Soren had lost his date and so was free to interject in conversations, which he did in this instance. "From what I've gathered, a Blood Pact is likely the least effective way of controlling someone possible," he added. "Firstly, you've got to find someone who is too naive to read a contract before signing it. Secondly, you can only use it on people in high power who are incredibly sacrificial, as any good ruler would not respect the whims of someone manipulating them just because a few peasants would die."

"Oh, Soren," Elincia said quietly and yet fondly, no longer finding herself offended by anything that he ever said.

"It's just a stupid plan, which lends credence to the idea that it's not real," he finished.

Pelleas had to keep wiping his eyes with his napkin. "Izuka also said it was real!" he retorted.

The room erupted into groans of pain.

"_Izuka? _You trusted _Izuka?_" Elincia couldn't keep quiet anymore. "Really? _Really?_"

"In retrospect it was a bad idea, but-"

"In retrospect? How about in prospect? He makes Lekain look like a fluffy kitten!"

"All right, I get it, I'm a bad king!" Pelleas wailed, "Just leave me alone so I can eat my dinner!"

Aran looked to Laura. "Maybe we can sell _him _for something," he suggested brightly.

"It can't be any less than he's worth," she agreed.

"That was really mean, you two," said Micaiah, frowning. "Pelleas is a good person, and I believe he means the best for our kingdom. And Sothe, please get out of the fake plants because you're starting to scare me."

Sothe emerged, sitting down at the table and pouting. He didn't offer anything more than that.

Soren looked at Ike, who had just come back. "Now I realize why I'm antisocial."

"Eh. They make you feel better about yourself, admit it."

"True."

Gatrie and Shinon threw up over their table, and it was just another day for the army.


	16. Ike versus Cutscenes RD

A/N: I said this in PM to Tom-Ato13 but I shall say it here as well... Astrid in PoR is a total badass. I feel bad for her but also compelled to lampshade the fact that in RD she is decidedly not, the poor thing. She and Shinon definitely swapped awesomeness potential. Ah well, c'est la vie.

Read review and enjoy :D

* * *

><p><em>Ike (and Friends) versus the Fourth Wall, Round Twelve: Cut-scene Power to the Max!<em>

Micaiah hid behind a wall as Begnion soldiers patrolled the dark, decrepit area. "Now Yune," she said to the bird in her hands, "no crying because they might find us if you do! Never mind I'm talking to a bird right now."

"Tweettweettweet," said the bird. That was roughly translated to _"in three more Parts, you will become dead weight." _

"Hush, Yune, no giving away plot spoilers."

In retaliation the bird let out a war-cry and dive-bombed the Begnion forces before abandoning her human and flying off into the night. The Begnion soldiers showed off a surprising amount of genre savvy by assuming that the bird hadn't been alone, and so led Micaiah into a false sense of security before circling around to nab her.

"Oh no, not my upper arm!" Micaiah cried out in surprise as her captors surrounded her. "It renders me powerless because I am a true example of a compelling heroine! It's why everyone who accuses me of sucking is instantly called sexist!"

"Yep, you're such a powerful woman that you're going to escape by yourself with no help from any men!" agreed a soldier.

As if on cue, Sothe leapt out of the darkness, drop-kicking the man who had nabbed Micaiah. The audience made a collective confused noise, because the last time they had seen Sothe he was half that size, level one, and the complete opposite of any good. This was clearly Sothe, but he was also kicking the crap out of the Begnion soldiers, and thus something was incredibly wrong here; wrong in an awesome sort of way.

Micaiah picked up her light tome and struck a dramatic pose back to back with Sothe as a soldier summoned more friends. "Solar flare!" Micaiah cried, raising her hand and blinding everyone in the area. "Hey, cool, usually that only works on one person at a time!"

"Good job, Micaiah," said Sothe without a hint of sarcasm, "way to disable the enemy after I already kicked their collective asses saving your sauce. The Dawn Brigade would be nothing without you."

"Nolan? Who's that?" agreed Micaiah as the two ran off. "Come back to me, loyal bird!"

Yune flew back. "Tweet tweet tweet!" she said, translated to, _"I will possess your soul, mortal!"_

* * *

><p>"We already did this cutscene," complained Shinon. "Remember? I was a total badass."<p>

"Yeah yeah, but we ignored some important points," Boyd pointed out. "Some really, really important points. Heh. Heheheheh." He glanced at his little brother. "Heheheh."

"What's so funny?" demanded Rolf. No one answered him.

"So once again, the plan is for Shinon or (snicker) Rolf to cut Lucia's noose before we rush in and easily defeat everyone. Any questions?" Soren asked. No one had any, so they moved out.

As Lucia bravely faced down death with a surprisingly flattering new haircut, in a distant tree Shinon and Rolf sat perched in the branches. Rolf had his bow out and pointed toward the crowd.

"It's a clean shot," Shinon muttered. "What's taking you so long?"

Rolf whimpered. "But I'm nervous. What if I hit her?"

Abruptly everyone in the area stopped talking, stopped moving, all looking toward that tree. Then, as a whole, they began to laugh.

"Are you serious! Are you _serious!_" the executioner demanded, doubled over with giggling.

"I am!" replied his friend in the highest-pitched voice he could muster, "I'm scared! Bwahahahaha!"

Even Lucia was laughing. "What'll happen if he hits me?" she asked, giggling.

Rolf put down the bow, scowling as much as possible. "Oh come on, you guys," he protested, "it's not my fault!" No one listened to him, still laughing. No one was laughing harder than Boyd, of course, because big brothers have an obligation to do so and Oscar was too nice. "If any of you think your voice acting is any better, you're wrong!"

"But what if it hits us?" Gatrie asked, cracking up. Shinon was laughing so hard he fell out of the tree.

"You all suck," Rolf squeaked.

After everyone calmed down, Shinon sighed and took aim, firing and cleanly cutting Lucia's noose. From there it followed script fairly well, except for Soren and Mia's side conversation as detailed in Interlude Two. "Hey, why don't you have any voice acting?" she demanded of him.

"Because if I did, and if it wasn't any good, my fangirls would declare holy war," he replied smugly.

Anyhow, the Greil Mercenaries proceeded to clean up shop. All of them were particularly awesome; Ike, Soren, Mia, Titania, Boyd, Oscar, Gatrie, Shinon and even Rolf all made excellent (or at least good) showings. However… In the middle of a crowd, Mist was kneeling over the unconscious Lucia. She took the older woman's shoulders and shook them. "Hold on Lucia!" she squeaked, "Everything will be fine! Can you hear me?"

Abruptly the battle stopped once again, and everyone present started laughing. Especially Rolf, now that the focus was off him.

"What's so funny?" demanded Mist. "I'm a young girl, so it's hardly surprising that my voice is like this."

"That's not it," Ike gasped out; no one was laughing harder than Ike, of course, because big brothers have an obligation to do so. "It's just, _what are you doing?_"

Mist scowled at him. "I'm…" Then she looked at what she was doing, and she figured out why everyone was laughing at her. "… shaking her ineffectually."

"Exactly. Why aren't you _healing_ her?" Soren snapped at her. "You're the one who _insisted_ someone catch her, so why aren't you wasting a Heal staff on her?"

"Soren, why aren't you watching your back?" Mia said, giggling, standing behind him and poking him between the shoulder-blades. He ignored her.

"Shut up, I'll shake her if I want to," Mist muttered, shaking Lucia even as Rhys healed her.

* * *

><p>"In these cut-scenes, I am played by an expy of James Earl Jones," Skrimir purred. "That automatically makes my voice-acting better than anyone else's."<p>

"_**What about me?" **_demanded Dheginsea, who didn't get any CGI cut-scenes but still got voice acting done, _**"There are none so hamtastic as my voice-acting! Allow me to demonstrate. GOLDOA WILL NOT MOVE.**_**"**

"I blow up a castle in my scene," Kurthnaga chimed in, smugly. "We all know I couldn't have done half that in the actual game. I love cut-scenes, I really do."

"I'm on a cliff!" Tibarn sang, "I'm on a cliff! Everybody look at me 'cause I'm jumping off a cliff!" he jumped off with an excited "wheeeeeee!" before transforming into a massive hawk and flying away.

"My voice actor… isn't that bad…" Ranulf murmured tiredly, "but… he really does sound… like he doesn't know my lines. I guess maybe… we could say that's… because I'm a cat and we never… sound particularly awake."

"What about my cut-scenes and voice acting? I'm an important new character!" Pelleas exclaimed happily. When everyone else just looked at him, his expression fell. "Darn."


	17. Ike versus Sanaki PoR

_Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Thirteen:_

Ike took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He'd done it. He'd saved Crimea. It'd been a strenuous fight against a powerful opponent, but he had come out on top; Ashnard was slain, and the people could return to their lives of peace and tranquility.

"Oh Lord Ike, I'm sure you'll stay around the capital to help me rule?" Elincia asked, batting her eyelashes at him. She did that a lot, although he didn't get it. At first he thought she had something in her eyes, but if she did then she would probably be blind by now. Weird. It was probably a girl thing. He didn't understand girls, and besides, he was pretty sure they had cooties.

"Uh, no. I was hoping to get the hell outta here ASAP," he replied. She looked a little offended but he didn't understand that, either. "I pretty much hate your life, Princess. It's nothing personal, I just don't like snobbery."

Elincia stared at him before taking a breath and smiling beatifically. "You know what, Ike? You suck. I can do way better than you."

"Huh?"

"Geoffrey! Tell me how amazing I am."

"You are my sun and my moon, my beautiful queen of perfectness," Geoffrey breathed, stars in his eyes. "I would gladly go to my grave protecting Your Highness even if you were to treat me with contempt! You are the most glorious being in my existence. I have not yet told you of my love for you not because I don't feel it, but because I am not worthy of expressing it!"

Elincia smirked. "Good job. Lucia, anything to add?"

"Hot stuff," said Lucia with a wink.

Elincia waved Ike away. "In short, I am done with you, commoner. Bye now."

Ike was a little offended, he thought. "Huh. Okay. Then I guess-"

"Oh good, that saves any sort of awkwardness about what I'm going to do now," Sanaki said, interrupting Ike and making him jump in shock.

"When did you get here?" he demanded.

"I'm the Empress. I can do whatever I want. I hereby order you to return Ragnell."

Ike's jaw dropped. His hands defensively went to the hilt of his awesome sword. "I can't return it to you because it's not yours! The Black Knight gave it to me!"

"It's a Begnion heirloom, stolen by the Black Knight. Return it!"

Ike pulled the sword off his back and held it to his chest. "No way! I used this sword to save the country! It was given to me fair and square and it fires sword beams and it'll never break and only I can use it!"

"Give it back!"

"Never! You can't have it back! I'll die first!" He glared right back at her. "It's my sword now!"

"It was Altina's sword first, and she was the first Empress of Begnion, therefore the sword belongs to Begnion and I am its Empress!"

"You're too short to use it anyway, why do you care!"

Sanaki's glare deepened. "Sigrun! Tanith!"

Moving perfectly synchronized, Sigrun and Tanith both punched Ike in the kidney. They both chose one for maximum pain. The Great Hero of Tellius crumpled to the ground like a puppet who had been punched in the kidneys.

Sanaki graced her two bodyguards with a mere nod. Then she smiled at him serenely. "Thank you so much for your cooperation, General Ike. Truly you are a credit not only to your little band, but also to the nation of Crimea."

"But I... didn't do... anything..." Ike gasped out.

"Of course you did!" she cooed, "I couldn't have gotten the sword back from such a big tough man who defied the poor ickle Empress of Begnion!"

"... point proven... ... ... you win..."

Her smile turned genuine. "I always do."


	18. Interlude Heroes versus Lehran

Interlude: The Three Heroes... and Lehran.

Ashera turned Her omniscient gaze uponeth Her Heroes whom She had chosen special from amongst the tribes of laguz and beorc. They were all powerful warriors and great in Her Sight, and they well pleased Her, and with them at the head of Her Armies the defeat of Yune was all but certain.

First amongst them was Dheginsea, the King of the Dragons. He was a great and powerful laguz, stern in countenance yet his loyalty and resilience surpassed many others. He pleased Her.

Second amongst them was Soan, the King of Beasts. He was courageous and tenacious, hot-headed with the raw strength to back up his threats. He was the fire to Dheginsea's ice. He also pleased Her.

Third and last amongst them was Altina. She was a beorc amongst laguz royals, but she more than held her own. With Alondite and Ragnell in each hand, she was foremost amongst warriors - a shining beacon of hope to her allies and a terrible omen of foreboding to her enemies. Her skill and might were unquestionable, and she pleased Her.

There was something missing, though She knew not what it was. "My loyal generals," She began, hoping that as She Spake the issue at hand would become clear, "I believe it would be for the best that we obtain a fourth General. Ah! I know it now; I worry that our exclusion of the Bird Tribes will cause strife amongst the people."

The Three looked to each other.

"The hawks and ravens aren't slackers in the power department," spaketh Soan, "I mean, they're not as awesome as I am, but if we asked their kings to join, I'm sure they would. They're not Yuneites, I think."

"Mmmm, the hawk king is dreamy," Altina purred sensuously; Ashera could not help but be reminded that Altina was also a foremost beauty amongst beorc as well as the most competent lady of war in Tellius. "I vote we pick him."

"I have identified a problem," boomed Dheginsea in his deep and powerful voice that reminded Ashera of a particularly delicious meal composed of pig's meat, "we don't have a cleric. If any of us get injured, we will rely only upon our vulneraries for healing, and _only_ our vulneraries."

Altina and Soan both grimaced with the acknowledgment of Dheginsea's well-thought-up criticism.

"Yes, I agree," Ashera, wise and powerful in Her wisdom, intoned. "Therefore, I decree that thou shall find a healer from the Bird Tribes to be thy Fourth."

"Well, that leaves out the hawks and ravens," Soan replied, looking disappointed about being able to test his mettle. "I guess we go find a heron."

"The herons aren't healers either," Altina pointed out to him, "they're... singers. They sing."

"Did somebody say singing?" Without warning or reason, Lehran, King of the Herons, appeared in their midst. Ashera could not help but notice that he was just as pretty as Altina, which was quite impressive. "I can sing for you. I like to sing. I'm good at it."

Her three Generals rolled their eyes. Ashera did not understand this habit of theirs, nor did she wish to. It was clearly flawed.

"We need a healer," Soan said, his voice light and kind. "Sorry, dude."

Lehran's enthusiasm did not wane. "I can also heal! If you stand next to me, I heal you. Isn't that convenient? It is. No wasting of staves or vulneraries. You should let me join."

The Three looked to each other. Ashera detected in their gazes the desire to make the others tell Lehran that he was not permitted to join their ranks. However, Ashera gazed upon the heron and found him to be pleasing to Her, and thus she spake, "Lehran, thy enthusiasm for the cause and thy unique talents have proven themselves unto me, thy Goddess. Thou art now officially a member of My Heroes. Thou art Lehran, Representative of the Bird Tribes and Hero of the Goddess in Her war against the dark god Yune."

Lehran lit up at the news. The other three did not look impressed.

And thus did Ashera watch as her Four Heroes lead Her Army into battle. Soan and Dheginsea were both great, powerful beasts whom destroyed all in their wake. Altina dual-wielded the massive broadswords blessed by Her with skill and ease, more than holding her own. Lehran sang. It sounded very pretty.

Yune didn't stand a chance.

_A thousand years later..._

"'sup," said Dheginsea to Lehran as they walked up the tower steps together. "Haven't seen you in awhile, Lehran."

"I go by Sephiran now," replied the former heron. "But, not much. I'm kind of excited the world's ending, not gonna lie."

"I see that." They waved to Zelgius as they passed the second floor. "So, do you know that guy on the first floor? His facial hair is very impressive."

Sephiran rolled his eyes. "That's Lekain. He thinks he's the hero."

Dheginsea grunted in confusion. "He's on the first floor of a _tower_. That alone should tell him he's not the hero. Have you told him he's an idiot?"

"No, no, it wouldn't do any good anyway. He's a Senator of Begnion."

"Ohhh. Speaking of... you were one too. How'd that go for you?"

Sephiran gave him a Look. "How do you _think _it went? We're here because of me."

"Ah. Not well, then." They stopped at the third floor. "Well, this is my stop."

"Yep. It's been nice seeing you." Sephiran started to walk up.

"Hold! Hold, I say!"

"What is it now?"

"You're at the top floor? You? Uh. Not to question the infallibility of the Goddess, but wouldn't I have been a better choice? You're a... pacifist."

"I have the most powerful light magic tome in the game and the magical power to back it up. I can take out Haar without breaking a sweat and reduce Ike to a near-dead mess," Sephiran replied, voice implying he was unamused at Dheginsea's questioning. "I also contain a holy staff that heals all of my allies."

The Dragon King considered this for a minute. "Why couldn't you have done this during the last war? That would have been way better than singing."

"Shut up, Dheginsea. See ya." He started walking again.

"Yeah, bye."


	19. Ike versus the Bridge RD

A/N: I was halfway through this chapter when qwertyuiop0987656789 suggested I do Chapter 23 of PoR (aka, the precursor to this stage). I will probably do that stage too because I can't believe I forgot about Petrine! Read, review, enjoy and I love to hear your suggestions :3

* * *

><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Fourteen<em>

"So Ike, I have a present for you as the newly-named general of the Begnion, Laguz and Crimean armies," said Sanaki, smiling up at him innocently.

That scared Ike. "Uh. You're getting me a gift? But uh, um, I didn't want this job," he stammered, worried that the "present" was another double-punch to the kidneys. "So uh. Yeah. You don't have to. But um. Thank you anyway."

"Consider this a down-payment for your bill which will, I sincerely hope, be completely reasonable."

"... Bill? I wouldn't charge you a bill. You're way too... too nice," he said awkwardly. He'd been planning on sending a bill, but this was Sanaki and she was really scary!

"I know. Sigrun, hand it over."

Sigrun handed Ike the legendary sword Ragnell. Ike broke out into a nervous sweat. "But um, you, ah, you asked so nicely and I gave it back to you. Yep. Of my own free will."

Sanaki just smiled.

"Uhhhhh, yeah, I'll um, I'll use it well, and when the war is over, um, I'll definitely give it back to you. Praise be to the Apostle and Empress of Begnion, holy be her name and long may her reign be."

"Don't finish sentences with a preposition."

"Long live the Empress!" Ike squeaked.

Her smile went from saccharine to genuine. "Very good boy, Ike! Enjoy your war! I'm entirely too good to walk, so excuse me while I get back in my carriage. Carry on." She sauntered off, but Ike didn't relax until Sigrun went with her. He knew that Sigrun and Tanith were required on this mission, but the further they were from him, the safer he felt.

Ike rubbed his back awkwardly as he went to discuss the situation with his tactician and advisor. "So it's this stupid bridge again," he said to Soren and Titania, "What can we expect this time?"

Soren began, very serious, "We met their general at the river crossing. I technically killed her with meteors, but she has plot immunity."

Ranulf added, "They were really clever. Their Silver Haired Maiden must be a veteran to use the strategy she did back at the river."

_Flashback_

"I NEED HEALING!" Nolan cried as a tiger ripped his chest open.

"OH GODDESS THE LAGUZ ARE EVERYWHERE!" Leonardo screamed in terror, missing his third cat in a row.

"I STILL NEED HEALING!" Edward wailed, holding his intestines in.

"MAN DOWN, MAN DOWN!"

"MY HEALING STAFF JUST BROKE!"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

_Present Day:_

"An amazing tactical genius," reiterated Ranulf.

"So basically we should be ready for anything, then," Ike said, looking over the bridge that was lined with Daein troops. "Hopefully they won't redo the whole 'hidden holes in the bridge' thing. That was really, really annoying-"

"I found a hole!" Kieran reported, sounding downright excited by this.

No one was else was excited.

"Surprise surprise, he found a hole," Ranulf deadpanned, looking peeved by the entire situation. "Listen, why am I on the field? I want a break. I'm sick of being a forced character."

"Not as sick as the rest of us are," Soren hissed, not even pretending to be diplomatic.

Ike smoothly stepped between them. "I don't get it either, but we might as well live with it. You'll only be here a few more maps anyway."

Three hawks, one carrying a heron, flew up and landed on the bridge, none of them falling into any holes because they could all fly. "Hi everyone, we're here for backup!" Tibarn called jovially, holding onto Leanne. "Well, 'backup' being operative. I'm really here to kick everyone's ass and make you all look bad!"

"He's going to steal all of our experience!" Gatrie complained.

"I'll send him and his friends to hide at the back of the map," Ike agreed. He continued, louder, "Hi Tibarn! Happy to have you and Leanne, and those two guys you brought with you who are probably not going to survive the first turn!"

Leanne replied something, although no one knew what it was.

Tibarn put her down, right next to an enemy general, before transforming.

"Oh, crap," she said, in perfect English.

"What the - WHY DID YOU JUST DROP LEANNE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ENEMY FORCES?" Ike shouted in rage and confusion. Leanne was giving Tibarn much the same expression that Ike was.

"What? Why wouldn't I?" The bird-Tibarn looked confused. "She can defend herself, like Reyson. No one will attack a lone helpless weak heron, especially not when they could attack me."

"This isn't _Path of Radiance_ anymore!" Ike said with feeling, more to himself than to anyone else. "The herons aren't half as durable! What is wrong with these people!"

"Do you understand now why I hate laguz?" Soren snapped at Ike.

"I'm getting a better idea, yeah," Ike muttered back. He called back to Tibarn, "So pick her back up! You're tough enough that even carrying her you won't get really hurt!"

"Sorry, no can do," replied Tibarn. He didn't supply more than that.

"Okay, uh, so then, if you three guys could kill the enemies around Leanne so she can fly back over to us, someone can pick her up and pull her away from the enemies?"

Tibarn flew off to kill an already-wounded knight far away. The two hawk followers attacked the enemy general and didn't really hurt him, but they did get hit in return before flying after Tibarn, to protect him. Leanne watched her saviors leave and merely sighed. "Reyson was right," she muttered in the Ancient Language, "Tibarn is a moron. At least _I'm_ not the one sleeping with him."

Ike was nearing the edge of his hypothetical rope, because he knew if Leanne died here, he'd have more than a few laguz kings trying to murder him in his sleep. "Hey! Peons!" he shouted at the two hawks Tibarn had brought with him, "Why are you trying to protect _Tibarn!_ He's not in any danger!"

"Who said anything about protecting Tibarn?" replied one who had a lot of sense, "_He's_ protecting _us."_

"… … … Oh."

One Daein knight proclaimed, "We're a lot different than we were in the last game. In the last game we were irredeemable monsters – the only nice people on our side were the guys from Begnion who defected to us because they thought we might be better! We would kill anyone and did our best to wipe Crimea off the map. In this game we're honorable and peace-loving, making your fight with us a heart-wrenching battle that inspires you to continue trying to make peace with us. We would make peace with you, if we could, but alas and woe, we have been foully tricked into participating in this war by the cruel and evil Senators of Begnion."

"What's your point?" asked Ike.

"The point is that we are noble, peaceful and true, and even though we have plenty of your forces in our range, we're all going to murder that heron girl who is the last female of her entire species! Yaaarg, for the Maiden of Dawn!" The knight hopped onto his horse and the soldiers of Daein rode over and killed Leanne.

"Do we have to restart?" asked Soren with resignation, getting out the remote control.

"If we don't, then let's see... Naesala, Tibarn and Reyson, possibly Nailah – yeah they're all going to murder me." Ike sighed. "Restart." Soren did so.

"I found another hole!" Kieran proclaimed with great joy. "That's two holes I've found! Oscar, I can't help but notice you've found _no_ holes! Only real men can find holes, you coward!"

"You win this round," Oscar agreed gamely.

"I'm baaaaaaack!" Tibarn crooned, dropping Leanne amidst the enemy forces. "And, this time I'm going-"

"Back in the corner!" Ike snapped, pointing to the edge of the map.

Tibarn looked hurt. "But-"

"Corner!"

"Buuuut!"

"CORNER!"

"Aw c'mon! This stage has ballistae! You need me!"

"GET INTO THE CORNER, TIBARN!"

Pouting, the Hawk King, who could kick Ike's ass into next week, summoned his two helpers and the three flew into the corner.

Leaving Leanne alone. "Smooth move, dumbass," she said to Ike.

Ike face-palmed. "Yeah, I deserve that," he growled, taking the remote and restarting because there was no way this was going to end well.

The stage began again. "Okay, this time, the flying people are going to go as close to the little partition thing as they can without triggering Tibarn showing up," Ike explained to his army. "That way, next turn when they do show up, at least one person can grab Leanne and bring her to safety. Hey Sigrun, considering I was super disappointed to not get to use you last game, you can do it. That way if anyone attacks you, you'll be safe, right? Because you're clearly awesome, if you're better than Tanith, because Tanith was a complete badass in the last-"

In the distance, a lone archer fired a ballistae. The large bolt sailed through the air and collided with Sigrun's pegasus in a critical hit. It didn't even have to be a critical hit as Sigrun would have died anyway, but the army of Daein firmly believes in "no such thing as too much overkill." It's a lesson they all learned from the Black Knight, of course.

"I guess not," Ike said as the game-over screen filled the area. When the game restarted, Ike took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Okay, Soren, you're my tactician, you tell me how to do this."

"Let the heron die. Who cares?" replied the sage.

"Oh, right, you're the last person to ask. Titania, any suggestions?"

"Let Haar do the rescuing. He's a flying unit but not weak against arrows and ballistae," she commented. "It's not like he'd be in any danger anyway."

Ike frowned. "Why is it that 'send Haar to do it' seems to always be the best idea? He's making the rest of us look bad." He glanced at the wyvern rider who was currently draped over the back of the beast and taking a much-needed snooze. "It's not fair."

"Ike, this is our ninth play-through. You know full well that Haar's speed stops growing and his resistance is even worse than yours, so you have no excuse to be jealous," Soren said sternly, arms crossed. "Just abuse him while you can until his usefulness expires and then laugh later when every time a lightning mage sneezes, he dies."

In the background Shinon was preparing to kill Haar to take his place in the Badass Trio, but Gatrie was holding him back.

Ike did not look convinced. "Yes, but... my resistance..."

"Is pitiful too, yes I know, but our A-support means you dodge the vast majority of attacks. Quit complaining."

"Fiiiiine."

"I found a hole!" Kieran squealed in glee. "That's three holes! Three!"

"What the - that's the same hole! You know the hole is there, why don't you go around it!" Ranulf yelled at him. "Goddess, beorc are morons."

"Yes they are," Soren agreed, ignoring Ranulf's confused look.

"Why don't I go around it? Because real knights don't go around obstacles, they go through them! In the name of Crimea and excellence!" An enemy archer started shooting down at him, which he ignored.

When Tibarn and Friends showed up, Ike ordered them into the corner again, must to Tibarn's consternation, while Haar easily rescued Leanne and dropped her back amongst the heroes. "All right, that's one problem down," said Ike with no lack of pride in his army. "Now to cross this hole-riddled bridge, avoid the ballistae and kill the Daeins who are completely crazy and totally obsessed with some chick who's not really that great!"

"Yeeees I found another hole!"

"Damn it Kieran!"

"I found a hole too!" Mia cheered. "I bet I can find more holes than you, Kieran!"

Kieran gave an affronted gasp. "Oh, you are on!"

It took a number of tries and restarts, but our heroes did scour the bridge while Leanne sang at Tibarn, who was not allowed to move, as both of them were confined to the back of the stage for completely different reasons. Mia and Kieran managed to uncover every single one of the holes, much to the consternation of their allies.

Once the Daein army was gone, Ike looked over his forces. "Okay cool, so now there's just the boss! Sigrun, you're close to promoting and you're a super cool new character, so-"

"Ike, the boss has a crossbow. For some reason, a simple crossbow is a one-shot kill against a giant armor-plated flying horse and the veteran warrior riding on it," Sigrun informed him, smiling pleasantly. "I don't make up the rules, I just enforce them."

"Aw come on. That's lame. And improbable." Ike pouted. "Uh... Hmmm..."

"YOU CAN'T KILL ME, I AM THE SERVANT OF THE MAIDEN OF DAWN, THE LIGHT PRIESTESS OF DAEIN!" the boss cried in joyous rapture, causing the army that surrounded him to sweatdrop with awkwardness. "SHE IS THE GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO US FOREVER AND EVER! SHE CAN SEE THE FUTURE ONLY WHEN IT IS CONVENIENT TO THE PLOT! SHE CAN BE SAVED BY THE BLACK KNIGHT AND SOTHE! SHE CAN TALK TO BIRDS! SHE ACTUALLY USED THE PHRASE 'I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS' AND DIDN'T MEAN IT SARCASTICALLY! SHE RENDERS SANAKI TOTALLY SUPERFLUOUS! SHE CAN BE ONE-SHOT BY ANYONE WITH A SUFFICIENT STRENGTH! HER HAIR IS SILVER, WHICH IS APPARENTLY A BIG DEAL IN A WORLD WHERE HAIR COMES IN BLUE AND GREEN! _**SHE IS THE GREATEST THING EVER!**_"

Ike punched him in the face, just to get him to shut up.

Tanith looked as if she'd eaten something disgusting. "What was wrong with him?"

"The Daein army see Micaiah the same way you guys see Sanaki, which is totally not foreshadowing."

"Oh, okay."

Meanwhile, down the line...

"Oh no, we lost!" Micaiah cried, grasping her heart in surprise. "I can't believe I didn't see this coming!"

"It took them like twenty turns. It was really obvious around turn fifteen that they were going to win," Sothe pointed out unhelpfully. "Besides, this is the Greil Mercenaries we're talking about and-"

"Sothe, what did I say was going to happen if you started talking about them in a positive manner again?" Micaiah asked sweetly.

Sothe blanched. "You were going to have Nolan and Aran double kidney-punch me." When Micaiah continued to merely smile, Sothe continued, "Um. Sorry. You're awesome."

"I know. Time to go prepare for the next stage. It's finally our turn again!"

"Yaaaaaay."

"With more feeling!"

"Yaaaaay!"

"Better."

When Micaiah's heritage was later revealed, Sothe was not surprised at all.


	20. Interlude Dawn Brigade v Usefulness RD

A/N: This took forever, aaaand kind of turned into Radiant Dawn Abridged. I apologize in advance.

* * *

><p><em>Interlude: The Dawn Brigade versus Everything<em>

"Okay guys, there's good news and bad news," Micaiah said tersely. "The good news is that we get our own interlude, no Ike involved."

There was enthusiastic cheering. Izuka handed out celebratory noisemakers that were laced with cyanide.

"The bad news is that half of us here don't have personalities."

"That's harsh," said Aran, although he noticeably did not protest this.

"Can't you buy the Japanese instruction manual? I heard they gave us back-stories!" Leonardo suggested brightly.

"Are you kidding? Do I look like I'm made out of instruction manuals? Here's how we're going to do this. I'm going to assign you personalities." Even as they all groaned, Micaiah continued, "Quit whining. If you had that attitude in the hood I grew up in, you'd be dead and robbed! So let's go in order. Edward, you're-"

"Like a guy version of Mia?" Edward squealed, super excited.

"A British gentleman."

"... What?"

"Leonardo, you're emo."

Leonardo pouted.

"Nolan, you're a tough-as-nails ex-con gone cop."

"Hey, why does he get an entire back-story and I just got a word?" Leonardo protested.

"Shut up, emo kid. Laura, you're a fangirl. Aran, you're a... uh... uh... Kanye West. Heh, Karanye West. I love it."

The quiet young man blinked in surprise. "Who?"

"Meg, you're a hick, that's canon. Volug, you're a hippy. Fiona, you're going to be French, which will prompt lots of arguing between you and Edward for some hilarious dialogue. Okay, people in the last game were fine... Pelleas, you've got a personality sort of, at least one that is usable..."

_I do have a very compelling personality,_ Pelleas wrote in his diary, blushing.

"Almedha, you're scary, that works out just fine. And that leaves... ... Vika, you're a totally goth fake vampire slut chick."

"I don't know what any of that means-"

"Let's get this party started!"

* * *

><p>The poor, peaceful people of Daein had been subjugated and treated cruelly by the evil Begnion Empire. Case in point, General Jerod of Begnion usually spent his mornings stabbing subordinates and civilians. I don't recommend doing it yourself.<p>

"I can't believe they'd do this to us! We're all loving, gentle and kind!" exclaimed a woman who was being robbed by bandits. "Just because we all hate the sub-humans and supported our homicidal king doesn't make us bad people! Someone please save us!"

"We will!" said Micaiah, striking a dramatic pose as the wind blew her silvery locks which were silver, not gray. "We are the infamous Dawn Brigade!"

"Eh Micaiah luv d' ye happen to know wot our chances are of defeating these scallywags without our mates Nolan, Leonardo and Sothe?" Edward asked, adjusting his monocle. "The fact that you can see the future is bloody convenient, eh there old bean?"

"Edward, my mystical future-seeing powers don't work like that," Micaiah chided him like a puppy that piddled on the floor. "I'm not really sure how they work. Regardless, I think the two of us - a level 4 myrmidon and a level 1 mage - can definitely defeat them!"

"Indeed! Tally ho! For the Dawn Brigade and the people of Daein!" Edward cried, attacking the nearest bandit. He could double-attack him, but got hit in return for a vast majority of his hit-points. "Oh dear me! This roustabout has injured me!"

"Don't worry, Edward, I can heal you using my Sacrifice ability! It takes from my hit-points and gives them to you!" Micaiah explained, laying one gloved hand on his shoulder.

"But luvvy ye don' have any hit-points!" Edward pointed out before being yet again punched by a bandit and thus killed.

The game restarted automatically. "This isn't off to a good start," Micaiah admitted.

"Oy, mayhaps if we wait for m' bloke Leonardo we'll have a better chance?" Edward suggested, having lost none of his enthusiasm. "By the way, lass, I feel a bit ridiculous with this outrageous accent!"

"Shut up, Edward."

Between Micaiah and Edward, they killed one of the bandits. Leonardo appeared, and for a moment everyone was excited. An archer! Only this archer was awful, so his entire point became to get as much as experience as he could without taking some away from someone else. And since he was emo, as per Micaiah's orders, he was fully aware of his own failings. He wasn't Shinon, and he wasn't even Rolf. He was… just Leonardo. Alone and unloved. Oh, so very lonely.

The bandit attacked Edward, striking him. This triggered Edward's wrath, and he didn't critical because he's too good for that. As such, next turn the bandit hit him again, and Edward killed him this time, and then the next bandit killed him.

"Well, we've had to restart twice already and we're only on the first map. This is a really auspicious beginning," Micaiah muttered, arms crossed.

"I'm sad," said Leonardo.

"Eh there guvnah, what's the plan?"

"Shut up, Edward." Despite all this, Micaiah was not convinced she'd completely messed up by giving them personalities, so she did not call it off yet. "Let's try this again. Only this time, slow and cautious."

I won't bore you with the details. It took three tries for them to defeat the first stage, five tries to defeat the second stage, six tries to defeat the third stage, and eight tries to defeat the fourth stage. This irritated the Dawn Brigade very much since the fourth stage was only required because Micaiah walked into an obvious trap and needed to be bailed out of jail.

("Guys, I'm standing here with no weapon and surrounded by enemies, and the five of you can't take out one guy?" Sothe scolded them as he dodged attacks from various mooks. "I say five of you, because Aran has plenty of potential. He's like the Nephenee of this group."

"I would reply, but I'm not exactly sure what an ex-con gone cop would say in this situation," Nolan muttered. "Or was I an ex-cop gone con? I don't even remember. Or care."

"Well, at least we got the new guy," Micaiah pointed out brightly. "And the best part is, he's really good-"

"Yo Micaiah I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Ike is the greatest main character of all time!" Aran exclaimed.

Micaiah bit her lower lip. "I'm going to regret-"

"Yo Micaiah I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but 'I have a bad feeling about this' is the clichést line you ever gave of all time!"

"Okay you can stop-"

"Yo Micaiah I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Eirika and Ephraim are the incestiest couple in Fire Emblem of all time!"

"_KNOCK IT OFF!"_

And thus ended Micaiah's noble attempts to give the Dawn Brigade personalities. None of them ever spoke again.)

"Sothe, my plot device powers are tingling!" Micaiah said, looking out into the desert. "There's money and a story out there!"

"I don't care about the story, but I am a big fan of money. What're the chances we can just take it?"

"Slim to none."

And it was true; the money was being guarded by a horde of evil laguz. However, none of the Dawn Brigade were particularly upset, because: "Experience!" Micaiah squealed. "Precious, precious experience! We can hit them and they can run away to the healing jar things and get healed and then come back and we can get more experience! This is the _best day ever!_"

"Yeeee haaaaaw!" Meg cheered. Micaiah stuck her in the barracks for this battle and every other battle to follow.

"By the way, have I mentioned yet that Ike is awesome?" Sothe asked.

"This is the part where I deliver one of my only good lines of dialogue," replied Micaiah.

The Dawn Brigade minus Meg fought through the laguz, and in turn met three more laguz: Nailah, Rafiel, and Volug.

"Oh look, it's a Parentless. We should ignore it forever and maybe kill it," said Volug in the ancient language to his two companions.

"That's a good point. We are in Daein, and they're notorious for being racist, too. We should probably leave," Rafiel suggested, sipping his tea. Edward was jealous because his stint as a British gentleman gave him an almost insatiable desire for tea.

Nailah scoffed. "I could kill them all untransformed by myself with an eyepatch over my other eye. If anyone's leaving, it's going to be them," she said, flexing impressive muscles. She then addressed Sothe and Micaiah properly with, "Look ye all upon me and know what true badassery and power is."

"_Dude,_" said Sothe, impressed. Everyone was impressed, but none of the rest of them mattered.

"Do you want to join our team?" Micaiah asked, eyes shining.

The three laguz laughed joyfully. It was very clear to Micaiah and Sothe that they were being laughed _at_, and not _with_. "What's so funny?" she asked, losing some of that shining.

Abruptly they all stopped laughing. "You can get Volug," said Nailah.

"Oh, that's good-"

"Only he doesn't get any experience points."

"Oh-"

"And he can't untransform."

"Well that's kind of-"

"Aaaaaaand his stats are halved."

"What?"

"Oh, and if he dies, the game ends!"

Micaiah and Sothe stared at her, then stared at each other, then stared back at her. "Can you keep him?" Sothe suggested meekly.

"Can I _not_ kill you just from the power of my awesomeness?" Nailah replied.

"… I'll take that as a no, then."

Micaiah's plot device powers led them further into the desert, where they found some old faces and a few new ones.

"Hi everyone, my name's Prince Pelleas," said he. "My father was Ashnard, and this means that I can rule the kingdom! Never mind I don't understand why anyone would want someone related to my father in a position of power, but I don't like to argue with people who are better than me. Which is everyone."

"Oh, you're the Elincia. That means you're going to start off as a fairly weak-willed character but come into your own and thus earn the love of the people, right?" asked Sothe.

"Oh no," he replied, blushing, "I'm going to be riding your coattails to power and I won't be letting go. If I had any dignity, then Micaiah would look like less of a hero by comparison, right? And let's be honest, my job is to make Micaiah look better."

"Well my job is to point out to people that they suck. You suck, Pelleas."

"I know," said Pelleas, wibbling. "Anyhow, this is Izuka. He's my best friend."

"As tactician for the Daein Liberation Army, my suggestion is to _kill everyone and experiment on the laguz!_" Izuka cackled, laughing menacingly while the theme from _Halloween_ played in the background.

"Here's a moment of characterization inconsistency," Micaiah complained. "I walked into a trap by Jerod and will walk into another trap by Jerod later on. I trust Pelleas to be a good king, and I think the Black Knight is a swell guy. I clearly am a poor judge of character. And yet I get that Izuka is evil? Honestly, I probably shouldn't."

"We have Pelleas here to do that," Sothe muttered darkly.

"I'm here to do something!" Pelleas squealed happily.

The Daein Dawn Liberation Brigade Army minus Meg and Fiona evacuated a prison, gaining Tormod, Vika and Maurim, but then learned that Begnion was going to mass-murder other prisoners unless Micaiah turned herself in. Micaiah, displaying the first bit of characterization that didn't rely on plot powers, flatly informed everyone that she was going to rescue the prisoners even though it was a trap. Pelleas fell in love.

"Sire, she's taking your glory! She's clearly trying to upstage you!" Izuka protested. "You should order her executed!"

"Well, rather than do that... I am a level twelve Dark Sage spirit charmer," Pelleas suggested brightly, "and that puts me at about twelve levels higher than the best members of their team. I could maybe help them!"

"No. No you can't."

"Oh, okay!"

Izuka slunk away into the shadows to go poison a few more people.

Despite the single-minded determination of the Begnion army to kill the prisoners, Micaiah and her friends saved all of them from a gruesome fate. Even better, Rafiel and Nailah finally joined them! They all got to giggle inappropriately at Rafiel's transformed state looking awfully ridiculous, but none of them giggled at the fact that Nailah could single-handedly (or, rather, single-mouthedly) destroy the entire Begnion army by herself.

"Hey, why don't I get a theme?" asked the laguz queen. "Cainhegis, Tibarn and Naesala all have battle themes, and I'm just as good if not better than they are - after all, _I_ can't be killed with a crossbow. Where's my theme?"

No one answered her because no one was really sure.

As Sothe and Micaiah led the heroes back to the camp, Sothe quietly said, "Micaiah, you're starting to become a Mary Sue."

Micaiah was about to protest this until she heard shouting and looked over the canyon. A soldier shouted in dialogue directly from the game: "Look up there! The Maiden has returned! And the prisoners are with her!"

"She won another victory! She escaped their trap and destroyed the enemy… again!"

"Radiant with divine protection, she truly has the goddess' blessing! The Silver-Haired Maiden! Our priestess!"

"Wow, maybe I am a Mary Sue," she admitted.

"When nameless minions are spouting purple prose at you, that pretty much clinches it," Nailah agreed. "Except when it's purple prose towards me, because I deserve it."

That night during the parties, Micaiah snuck away to hide in the woods by herself, because apparently somewhere remotely safe was too smart. As a result, she was surrounded by Begnion soldiers.

"Oh, crap," she said. "This is terrible. I'm clearly not going to-"

"Duh-duh-duh-duuuuuh! Black Knight!" In a shining beam of light, the Black Knight appeared in front of her. "Top of my own specialized tier with an indestructible goddess-blessed sword and a special skill that can kill goddesses, I'm here to save your life."

"Wow, that's great! But why!"

"I don't know."

"… … Really?"

"Really. It serves no purpose for me to be here, other than the fact that if you die the game is over. But considering what my boss' ultimate goal is and what _my_ ultimate goal is, this seems like a vacation."

"Oh. Okay. Uh. Happy to have you."

"So here," said the Black Knight, killing a mook without looking at it, "why don't I rescue you? That way you won't die. And psh, it's not like you'll weigh me down any."

"I cannot do that," said Micaiah serenely. "I must fight on my own for my people."

The Black Knight scratched his helmet, stunned into silence for a minute. "Seriously? If I picked you up… guaranteed life… no game overs…"

"It's okay, I know I'll be safe with you!" she said before she was shot in the face twice by an enemy archer.

The Black Knight looked at her and sighed. "Sometimes I wish I'd stayed in that collapsed castle…"

With Micaiah hiding in the corner, the Black Knight killed everything except for Jerod. He was about to kill Jerod but Jerod's subordinate, the only one that he hadn't yet killed himself, jumped in the way. The Black Knight didn't care and was going to kill Jerod again, except Micaiah stopped him. "No, let him go. He needs to go bury his friend."

For the second time, the Black Knight was stunned into silence. "S… s… seriously? You think that's what he's going to do?" When she nodded, he started to laugh helplessly. "So… stupid… you make Ike… look like a genius… waaahahahahahahahaha!"

To the surprise of no one except for Micaiah, Jerod went back to the capital, holed himself up with the remaining Begnion occupiers, and then started to kill civilians. You know, it was kind of his thing.

And thus a grueling battle ensued.

"We did it! We saved Daein!" Micaiah cheered after the fight.

"Hey guys, does anyone have a band-aid? I just signed a pact in my blood with a Begnion senator and now my wrist won't stop bleeding," said Pelleas, pouting.

"Son of a-"

"This plot is bollocks," said Edward.


	21. Ike versus Ike versus the Fourth Wall RD

A/N: Sorry this took so long. I had an idea, forgot to write it down, then forgot it… then remembered it, forgot to write it down, then forgot it… and this time I finally remembered to write it down! Also I had an every-day-early-morning summer class that started after I posted the last chapter, which is another excuse for the gap. In essence: Sorry.

To Parabola: As far as I know, the only way to get a long-distance spell to Soren is to take the Meteor that Calill comes with and give it to someone who goes from the Royal Knights to the Greil Mercenaries - so Heather, Brom, Nephenee or Haar. I'm pretty sure that's the only way to do it, but I could be wrong.

* * *

><p><em>Round Fifteen: Ike versus "Ike versus the Fourth Wall"; or, the Real Reason Ike and Soren Leave Forever<em>

"You know what?" Ike was complaining to Soren as the two left the Tower, "That anon was totally right. Why does everyone think I'm stupid? I'm not stupid. Sure, I've done dumb things, but it's not my fault that Sephiran mind-wiped me and made me forget pretty much everything in the world before the game started."

"It's more of an in-story thing," Soren replied, although he was only half-listening. "It's called Flanderization, if I recall correctly. The fact that you're not exactly intelligent has been maximized for humorous potential. Sort of in the same way that Meg's only two lines have been to identify that she's a horrible unit, and also to let out an inhumane 'yeehaw.'"

"What about you?" Ike said, pouting.

"What about me?" Soren asked, preparing to murder some kittens.

"Oh. I get it now."

Their continuing dialogue was interrupted by the Queen Mother of Daein, Almedha, who ran over and gave Soren a bodily glomp. "Daaaarliiiiiing it's so nice to meet you! I'm your mummy, and you're my sweet baby boy!"

Soren looked like a cat that had been dropped into a bucket of ice water. Ike looked elated. "You're kidding! You're his mom? You're the ex-Mrs. Ashnard right? DUDE. I WAS RIGHT." He looked at the sky and shook his fist. "SCREW YOU, AUTHOR LADY! I'M NOT STUPID NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!"

Soren would have said something, but he was being choked by the hug.

"Awww, he knew the power of our love would reunite us once again," Almedha cooed, petting Soren's hair while using her other arm to keep him immobile. "What a smart young man you've picked up, Soren! Of course you can do better, but he knew that we were destined to be together!"

Ike was a little put out that she wasn't talking to him.

"Erk," said Soren.

"Let me explain how I figured it out," said Ike, deciding he was going to be happy no matter what. "You see, first Soren admitted he'd never met his parents. Then Ashnard was all like angry and he said something Soren had once said and I was like hey, this guy is Soren's dad! And it all kinda fell into place from there, y'know? So yeah, I totally figured it out. Everyone was complaining about it at the time but I was awesome and figured it out."

Almedha was ignoring him, braiding Soren's hair with flowers. Soren himself was turning blue. "We're going to have to cut your hair, precious boy, because you look like a girl," she purred happily. "But then again, if we cut it too short, then you'll look like your uncle Kurthnaga and won't that be just as silly? Oh my, what to do, what to do…"

Ike wasn't sure what to do. On the one hand, his boyfriend was being squeezed to death. On the other hand, he'd been reunited with his family. On the third hand, which Ike didn't actually have, this was all Ike's fault, sort of, so…

Then he spotted Pelleas sneaking away.

"Scapegoat!" Ike exclaimed, sprinting over and grabbing Pelleas in a fireman's carry, dragging him back over. "Your mom's taking over Soren!"

"She's not my real mother!" Pelleas protested weakly.

"But Soren's spent our entire time together fawning over me! I can't share him! Make her take you back!"

"I survived, so can Soren!"

Almedha gasped, looking up at Ike. "Darling Soren babykins, I believe your boy is trying to get a twin fantasy fulfilled," she said, actually smirking. "Do you want Mother to stop him?"

"Grk," said Soren, turning purple.

Ike dropped Pelleas. Pelleas was too shocked to catch himself.

"I _am_ an idiot," Ike breathed. "By unearthing Soren's heritage, I've created a monster!"

"Some knowledge is better left unknown!" Pelleas wailed, declining to mention how he'd been the one who pointed Almedha in the correct direction. He'd really grown up over the course of the adventure. "You've doomed us all, Ike!"

"Pelleas my darling boy, if we cut your brother's hair, do you think it would turn curly like yours and your father's?" Almedha asked, completely ignoring the theatrics that were occurring.

"Yes, Mother," said Pelleas, defeated.

As Almedha pulled out a pair of scissors, Ike began screaming. And screaming, and screaming…

"Ike! Ike, wake up!"

Ike sat up straight, ripping his sleeping bag that had been wrapped tightly around him. "Where are we?" he demanded, terrified.

Both of Soren's eyebrows were raised almost to his hairline. "The Tower. We're resting before confronting the goddess. Are you all right?"

Ike almost cried. "Then it's too late… I've already set it all into motion…"

"What are you talking about?"

Ike shook his head, unable to put the terror into words. "Soren, when we're done here… We should leave Tellius, and never, ever come back."

"All based on a dream?"

"Almedha is your mother. She'll cut your hair! She'll make _Pelleas your brother!_"

Soren nodded somberly. "I'll pack our bags."

In the next sleeping bag over, Pelleas squealed with joy. "They remembered who I am!"


	22. Ike versus Tactics PoR

_Round Sixteen:_

"Ike, this is going to be one of your toughest battles by far," Nasir told Ike as the two stood together in the cold winds of Daein. "You've got Daein forces, and crow laguz led by King Naesala of Kilvas himself. They've got ballistae and the high ground. You may want to see if the other members of the bird tribes can help you get the crows off the field."

"Send Gatrie to get shot in the face while Shinon, Rolf, Astrid and Soren kill crows, got it," said Ike with determination, nodding dramatically.

"Um, shouldn't you be discussing this with your tactician?" Nasir suggested gently, knowing Soren would know better.

"Nyah. Y'see I figured out that for all that people are giving me the credit, I'm not really doing any of the work. So I'm turning over a new leaf! From this day forward, I'm coming up with my own plans! Titania and Soren are my backup, because I'm the hero!"

Nasir considered pointing out what a horrible idea that was. He really did. "Good luck with that," he said, snickering to himself as he walked back to the safety of the convoy.

Ike did not pick up the morbid amusement in his friend's voice as he sauntered back to the rest of his troops. "Okay, guys, here's the plan! Gatrie is going to sit in the range of the ballistae so they shoot him and don't hurt him." He was a bit relieved to see Soren nodding in agreement. Great, he was on the right track! "When the crows come, our archers and Soren will kill them." Soren didn't look as convinced about that step of the plan, but Ike vowed he'd show him the light.

"What about Naesala?" asked Tanith, shielding her eyes and looking into the distance. "Laguz royals are way more powerful than regular laguz. We might be better off not engaging him."

"He's a flying type so he's weak against arrow and wind types," Ike said, waving her concern away with a gloved hand. Boyd exclaimed something about how happy he was to be a Pokemon, but Ike didn't get the reference so he kept talking, "So we'll take him out too."

Tanith opened her mouth to interject, but Ike had already turned to the snowy battlefield ahead. "All right Greil Mercenaries! Move out!"

They stood in clumped formation, the weaker characters in the middle, as Gatrie stood in the range of the ballistae and didn't get hurt as they took fire at him. Ike nearly crooned when crows came around him and were easily dispatched by the archers and Soren. And everyone else could focus on the Daein mooks who tried their luck. His plan was working!

"Okay! We need to get the King over here," Ike said. "Shinon, let's prove everyone wrong. You're the weakest archer we've got, so you get in his range and draw him over. Make sure you're in a diagonal space so he can't hit you."

"Fuck you, Ike," said Shinon as he walked up to the corner of Naesala's range.

When the enemy phase started, Naesala flew up, gave out a pre-asskicking one-liner, and then hit Shinon with Elwind. Shinon didn't die, but also missed on his retaliation. Then Naesala doubled him, killing him.

"Lolwut," said Ike, looking at the space where Shinon had once been. "Um. That's not right." He looked to Soren with manly tears in his eyes. "Help me?"

Soren sighed fondly and patted Ike on the shoulder. "Restart, and give Tanith the skill that prevents wind-based and arrow attacks from hurting you. You send her into Naesala's range, diagonal so he has to use his wind attack on her; she won't kill him, but he won't kill her either. Then you send up one of the two hawks on our team to talk to him, then clear a space to Reyson so that Naesala comes to talk to him. After their talk, the crows will leave."

"Ohhh _that's_ what Nasir meant about using the bird tribes! I get it now. Okay, so let's restart and do what you suggested!"

They did restart the stage. Although Reyson was on the field now, he refused to participate, angry because everyone had ignored his desire to never see a crow again. Janaff, who had been chosen to be the one to talk Naesala, was equally irritated with this _tern_ of events. "Get it? Tern, instead of turn? I thought of that all by myself," said Ike proudly, hiding his thesaurus back into his cloak pocket. He ignored the resultant facepalm from most of his army, except for Boyd, who didn't get it. "All right, Tanith, you get him over here, and then yadda yadda yadda we win."

"I should be in charge," Tanith grumbled, mounting her pegasus and taking flight.

Naesala accepted the bait, not killing Tanith but also dodging her retaliatory attack. Janaff flew up and brow-beat him into to talking to Reyson. The next turn, Naesala flew to apologize to his best friend.

"It's not happening," said Reyson.

"Aww c'mon, I only sold you a little bit," Naesala cooed softly, putting on the biggest eyes he could. "I'll definitely never ever do it again, ever."

"I hate you and your ass face!"

"You can't hate me, I'm going to marry your little sister!"

Reyson's jaw dropped. "That makes me hate you more!"

"It's clear that he doesn't have any sisters," said Ike, glaring at Boyd. Boyd stuck his tongue out at him.

Naesala held up his hands in a placating gesture. "Okay, okay, fine, so maybe I sold you to a fat man, I'm going to bone your sister, and now I'm working for your enemy, but surely we can still be friends, right? I mean, I only do these things out of fondness. And money. But mostly fondness. … Except it's mostly money."

In response, Reyson pounced on Naesala and began punching him in the face. Naesala merely looked resigned.

"This is the part where you tell him that all debts will be repaid if the crows leave the field," Ike said with only a twinge of desperation. Reyson ignored him, still punching Naesala.

It finally ended when all the bones in Reyson's hands and arms had been snapped and Naesala had gotten a tiny light bruise on the sensitive part of his eye. "Okay…" the Heron Prince gasped out, "I think… you're done… But you… have to leave the field… unless you want me… to… to keep going!"

"Oh no, I'd better retreat," Naesala drawled, bored. He ordered his minions to flee and left as well.

The Greil Mercenaries and Friends all cheered, giving each other high-fives. "Wait, someone is missing," said Gatrie. "I feel as if our sexiness quotient has gone down a lot."

Marcia gasped, as the first one to figure it out. "Stefan's gone!"

As the girls and some of the guys lamented and began looking, Ike noticed the green-haired swordsman walking in slow-motion to the battlefield.

"You cannot hope to defeat me," said Stefan before he completely owned the swordsman leader of the stage, ending it prematurely.

Ike gasped, his jaw dropping. _"STEFAN IS THE BLACK KNIGHT!"_

"Why does that make him even sexier?" Mist wondered, more to herself than to anyone else.

"This group is completely insane," said Janaff, bandaging Reyson's arms.


	23. Ike versus Soren RD

_Round Seventeen: Mini Round!_

Ike picked up Alondite from the Black Knight's corpse. "Damn, I am awesome," he said, swinging it around. "I need my own theme. I should make one up."

"Ike, we're moving on," said Yune.

"Hang on, I'm basking in the moment. I can do that, because I'm completely badass and can pretty much kill anyone here. You know what I need though? Huge platemail armor."

"Ike, knock it off," said Soren, glaring.

"Pretty sure I don't have to. I'm too awesome to have to listen to anyone. If you're annoyed, then that's a personal problem."

Soren's glare did not cease. "If you're the Black Knight, then I hope you know who that makes me."

"Not the Black Knight," Ike suggested helpfully.

"True, but better than that. I'm the shorter-than-you bishonen mage whom you clearly have a crush on. If you're the Black Knight, then that makes me Sephiran."

Ike considered this. "Oh."

"I insist you call me Master from now on."

Ike looked at Alondite. "Never mind."

"Darn," said Soren without feeling.

"Get a room, you two," said Yune.


	24. Ike versus Sephiran PoR

A/N: The prison stage in Path of Radiance! I hate this stage XD I always follow the plan that's listed on GameFAQs for getting through without alerting any of the guards, which is tedious buuut bonus experience yay!

Response time!  
>SnuffyoftheWind: Ike talks to Pelleas if you manage to get them together during the last map of Part III. I did it once, only to have Nailah brutally murder Ike on the next turn, so I decided it wasn't really worth it. Besides, Soren hitting Pelleas with meteors is more poetic anyway.<p>

TheNinjaAlchemist95: I love Hetalia references and I love that someone else loves Hetalia references :3

Guest Also Maybe Bawb, I'm not sure: Oh gosh yes, the last couple of times I've played Boyd has been slower than Rhys who is slower than molasses. Actually on my last playthrough I would have taken Rhys if not for Micaiah, because he was incredibly fast. I think it was out of spite. Anyway, I don't think I've ever had a good Boyd in RD. I usually don't get good Nolans either, but in my most recent playthrough, where I took only Dawn Brigade members into the endgame, Nolan was a complete badass (seriously, he would get Colossus on like every turn, and I paired him up with Edward so neither of them ever got hit.) That being said, I have never had a good Zihark. Ever. The random number god in my games hates Zihark and Jill. Poor kids.

To everyone else: Thank you for your sweet words and reviews! You give me the strength to go on, and sometimes the ideas I need to go on! ATM I have 4 more ideas, so keep 'em comin'! Sorry this took so long again - I just finished a summer class which required a lot of writing and researching plus my job got more hours, which is great for money and bad for writing time. But this story ain't done yet!

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><p><em>Round Eighteen<em>

At least the prisons in Begnion were far nicer than the ones in Crimea.

There was another brawl happening in the courtyard, although of course Sephiran was too refined to get involved. Honestly, did these people have nothing better to do than to get into fights? Surely they knew how futile it was. Then again, everything was futile and none of them had figured that out yet… Regardless, for now the mob was avoiding him, and with good reason. He had put a particularly large prisoner in his place just last week with nothing but a stick, and since then he'd been left alone.

A voice came over a loudspeaker, SEPHIRAN YOU GOT A CALL.

Sephiran sighed, stood up, brushed himself off and strolled to the phone. "Hello? Hello?" He couldn't hear the voice on the other end very well; it was deep and masculine, so there was only a few people it could be, but he couldn't quite pinpoint it. "I can't hear a thing. I've got no service-" The man on the phone said something else, and Sephiran sighed. "What did you say? You're breaking up on me! Sorry I cannot hear you - " A prisoner snuck up behind him and Sephiran whirled, bashing his assailant in the nose with a stick. "I'm kind of busy!"

He hung up. The phone rang again. Sephiran huffed indignantly, picking it up. "Stop calling!"

The man made a confused grunt, which was the only thing Sephiran could hear. "Stop calling!" he repeated, eyeing the fighting mob. "I don't want to talk anymore!"

Whoever was on the other end hung up, and Sephiran did the same, more actively defending himself. It seemed there was no rhyme or reason to the fighting anymore, so Sephiran prepared himself to cast some awe-inspiring destructive magic -

Everything went silent with a huge man in crimson platemail strode into the courtyard, wielding a sword larger than most of the inmates. Sephiran allowed himself a smile; ah, so that had been who he was talking to.

Ignoring the awe-inspired looks of the inmates, Zelgius made a beeline for Sephiran. "You've been very bad," he said sternly. "A very very bad boy, Sephiran."

Sephiran smiled him. "Are you sure you want to do this, honeybee?"

Zelgius frowned. "What do you mean, if I'm sure?"

"You know what they say - once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger."

Zelgius seemed content with that logic as the two strode out of the prison, getting into Zelgius' bright yellow truck. "You know Sephiran, trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broke…"

"… But you can still see the cracks in that motherfucker's reflection."

Zelgius hit the gas pedal even as his cell phone started ringing. Scowling (not that he even _didn't_ scowl, Sephiran noted), he answered it one-handed. "The way you're blowing up my phone won't make me move no faster," he said, voice gravelly and angry, "put my coat on faster, leave my girls no faster."

"Hey," said Sephiran, fairly sure he ought to be offended by that.

Zelgius rolled his eyes, hanging up. "I shoulda left my phone at home 'cause this is a disaster." His phone rang again and he fixed it with a glare. "Callin' like a collector - sorry I cannot answer!"

They pulled into the parking lot of an old diner, getting out. Zelgius, exercising his wiles, strode in through the front while Sephiran snuck in the back. Zelgius calmly strode across the room and sat across from Senator Valtome, whose first reaction was to sneer and wonder what took this bitch so long to get here.

Zelgius merely put on a fake-looking smile as Valtome turned to start pestering other patrons of the diner. The warrior took the opportunity to put some poison into Valtome's coffee, but when the senator turned around and drank it all up, he didn't die.

Scowling, Zelgius looked up and gave Sephiran the cue.

"Let's make a sandwich!" Sephiran exclaimed, adding poison to everyone's food and serving the entire restaurant. Everyone died.

Sephiran and Zelgius put on some flag bikinis and started to dance.

Sephiran was then rudely knocked out of his daydream by someone slamming their hands on the gate to his prison. "Seriously, are you okay?" the blue-haired boy standing there asked, looking nervous.

"Sorry, I was seeing the future," said Sephiran with a sad sigh, disappointed he hadn't gotten to see the end of the choreography. "Thank you for rescuing me, young man. I'm a monk and I was kidnapped and held here for aiding Crimean soldiers. What's your name?"

"I'm Ike," said he. "We were just walking through and noticed a bunch of kidnapped people. Are you going to join my party?"

Sephiran considered this. Unfortunately, he was in _Path of Radiance_, which meant Zelgius was not going to barge in here and rescue him. But on the other hand, he couldn't very well join these silly people... "Well, young man," the secret Prime Minister said, "I can't join your party or else you would win."

Ike blinked. "What?"

"Don't you have to leave at some point, lest you be caught by the guards?"

Ike glanced over at one of the many sentries patrolling the dungeon. "Actually no; they won't spot me until I end my turn. So what's this about us winning?"

"I cannot tell you that," said Sephiran, hoping he sounded aloof and dramatic.

"So you're not joining my party?"

"I'm afraid not, young warrior -"

"Yeah kthx bai." Ike turned and started to leave.

Sephiran gasped, standing up. "Excuse me, you're not just going to leave me here, are you?"

"Eh, well, this is a stealth mission, so I can't just run around letting everyone out. Plus it turns out the guy we have breaking locks also charges a ridiculous amount of money for it. So yeah, I am leaving you here, since you're not joining my party. Peace out!" Ike left, hopping onto a pegasus with a pink-haired girl and flying away.

"Huh," said Sephiran, sitting back down in the corner of his cell. "This is slightly less weird than my daydream."

Back at the beginning of the stage, Rhys, Mist, Rolf and Soren were playing Go Fish. "I hate this stage," Mist complained. "It takes a ton of turns and we get to do _nothing_ during them! Plus it's incredibly convoluted for all the people running around."

Rhys nodded. "I agree. It doesn't help matters that the only healing that needs done is all by the boss' area, so we are too far away to actually help any. And I have to admit it's a little unethical that you can leave Sephiran locked in his cell and not talk to Kieran, and yet both of them will be free by the end of the mission. Soren, do you have any fives?"

"Go fish. I'm just going to be patient, because I know how this is going to work," Soren said as Rhys took the card from the center pile. "Oscar and Boyd are going to confront the boss, and Boyd is going to die, leaving Oscar alone to die too. We'll restart the map and I'll be going with Oscar instead…"

"And Boyd will hide in the corner with us, because he's just as bad as we are," finished Rolf, smiling angelically.

On the other side of the map, Boyd took a deep steadying breath. It was make or break. He had a hammer, but no hit points. If he hit the boss, the huge guy would die and Boyd would get a ton of experience. If he missed the boss, Boyd would die, and that would suck. He looked up at the odds - 60% chance of a hit. Those were pretty good chances, right?

Well, technically yes. But Boyd miscalculated. This was _Fire Emblem_. A 60% chance in _Fire Emblem_ is the equivalent of a -10% chance in real life. So Boyd took a deep breath, took a couple of practice swings, and then aimed for the chest of the boss… who dodged and killed Boyd, who was weighed down by the hammer.

If Oscar wasn't wise in the ways of the fourth wall, he might have been depressed or angry at watching his little brother get brained. However, Oscar was arguably the most savvy of the group, so he merely sighed, gently face-palmed in honor of Boyd, and then restarted the stage on his own.

"Are you hiring me or not?" asked Volke, looking unimpressed. No one was really sure why he was unimpressed, considering he wasn't very good, but he was holding a deep dark badass secret.

"I've figured out by this point that I'd be an idiot for refusing to let anyone wants to join do it," replied Ike with a shrug. "Okay, so apparently we need a bigger hitter to go fight the boss. Boyd just isn't going to cut it, because he can't hit the broad side of a barn."

"I can too!" Boyd protested. "The barn doesn't move!"

"Yeah… sure…. Anyway, do we have any volunteers?" When no one did, Ike gave a dramatic sigh. "Guys, I can't be everywhere at once!"

"We have two ways of going about this," said Soren professionally. "We can swap out Boyd for me, or we can swipe out Oscar for Titania. If we do the second one, we don't even need to send Boyd with her."

The redheaded paladin blushed demurely. "Now now, I'm certainly not _that_ incredibly powerful."

"Yes you are," said everyone else.

"The problem with both of those plans is that I was hoping to get Oscar and Boyd that experience," Ike said thoughtfully.

"You're a tank," said Boyd excitedly, still talking to Titania, "a badass horse-riding axe-wielding tank! I kind of want to be you when I grow up. Or marry you, whatever."

"I know the commander was being sentimental when he picked Ike as his successor, but honestly he should have picked you," Oscar chimed in sweetly. "You're the one with experience, charisma and raw power."

"Hey," said Ike.

"Plus you're way hotter than Ike!" Boyd exclaimed. Mist hit him with a frying pan, although it didn't hurt him at all.

"Screw your experience, Boyd! Oscar, you'll be taking Soren up to fight the boss."

"Hey, what about me?" Boyd protested, putting on his best puppy-dog eyes. "Oscar said Titania is better than you too!"

"Yeah but Oscar is way cooler than you."

"He never opens his eyes, but do you know what he does do? _Hit the enemy!_" Rolf crooned in younger sibling glee.

Boyd tackled him, giving him massive noogies. The rest of the Greil Mercenaries moved out, again.

"I left my head and my heart on the dance floor," Sephiran sang, not paying attention as the assortment of horses and pegasi raced past his cell.

It took about fifty turns, but in the end the boss had been electrocuted and the prisoners had been evacuated.

"My goodness, that really was unpleasant," said Sephiran chipperly.

"Who're you?" Ike demanded. "I never opened a cage with you in it. I talked to two people - a fat guy in armor-"

"I'm not fat, I'm just big boned!" Brom protested jovially.

"-and that chick whose hair is the same color as her armor, which is kind of a weird aesthetic choice if you ask me. Not that I expect to ever use her. I mean, look at her, all quiet and skinny."

Nephenee was too shy to point out that she was also a secret badass, but Ike would figure that out soon enough.

"My name is Sephiran," said he, looking put-out, "I'm a travelling monk-"

"How'd you get out of your cell?"

"I… I ah… um, well…" With no other recourse, Sephiran held out a hand. "Mind-Crush!"

"Aaarrghhh!" Ike held his head as his memories were wiped. Then he blinked, looking up at the strange lady in front of him. "Hi. Who're you?"

"My name is Sephiran. You rescued me from jail."

"Woah, your voice - you're a dude?"

Scowling mightily, Sephiran was going to Mind-Crush him again but they were interrupted by a man with red hair and red platemail. "EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN, I AM **CRIMEAN ROYAL KNIGHT **_**FIFTH PLATOON CAPTAIN **__**KIERAN! **_THANK YOU FOR RESCUING ME FROM THE BOWELS OF HELL THAT I HAD BEEN DRAGGED TOO AFTER OUR MOST INGLORIOUS DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF DAEIN! I SHALL DO MY BEST TO RESTORE MY LOST HONOUR BY FIGHTING IN THE NAME OF CRIMEA WITH THIS RAGTAG BAND OF MERCENARIES WHO SERVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS OF CRIMEA, ELINCIA RIDELL CRIMEA!"

"What?" asked Ike, having gone deaf.

"Hello Kieran," said Elincia fondly.

"PRINCESS! PLEASE FORGIVE THIS LOWLY SERVANT FOR FAILING TO PROTECT YOU FROM THESE HOOLIGANS! THESE HOOLIGANS AND THEIR SQUINTY RIVAL FRIEND _OSCAR!"_

"This is going to never get old," said Oscar, actually amused by Kieran's enthusiasm.

"Says you," said Elincia sweetly.

"Huh?" asked Ike.

"Well, it's been nice seeing you. Bye now!" Sephiran ran for his life, which was probably for the best.

_Three years later:_

Zelgius killed the prison guard and opened up the cell with his customary dour expression on his face. "I am sorry that took so long, my master."

Sephiran didn't move, staring at him expectantly. Zelgius sweatdropped.

"I don't suppose you'll want to poison some people, will you?"

"Er… no, I didn't think that was the plan."

"Darn. You are no fun at all."

"I figured you would have known that by now."


	25. Interlude Senators versus Good Ideas

A/N: Sephiran's daydream was an homage to Lady Gaga's "Telephone" video, in case you were wondering if he (or I) was on crack…

Inexplicably I have Team Rocket's theme stuck in my head. Well… okay, it's kind of explicable.

Round Nineteen and Interlude 7 Part Two to come soon! Ish.

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><p><em>Interlude 7, Part One: The Senators versus Good Ideas<em>

"Gentlemen, behold!" Lekain greeted the assembled senators grandiosely, "We have come together after a summer respite! We shall now take roll-call before we begin our first meeting of the new fiscal year! Senator Hetzel, Duke of Asmin!"

"Here," said the old man while trying to stop crying.

"Senator Not-Appearing-in-this-Game, Duke of Seliora!"

"What are you talking about?" asked he, "I'm very important-"

"Senator Numida, Duke of Numida!"

"Here!"

"Senator Oliver, Duke of Tanas!"

"Where are my man-birds? I was told there would be man-birds!"

"The man-birds are a lie," said Hetzel, sniffling.

"Senator Steve, Duke of Persis!"

"Here!" Senator Steve was old, decrepit, and likely going to die very soon.

"And last, but not least, Senator Valtome, Duke of Culbert."

Valtome raised one perfectly manicured hand. "Uweeheeheehee! I am here and ready to participate after a rousing morning of beating the poor!"

"And I, Senator Lekain, Duke of Gaddos, am also here," he finished, puffing out his chest. "We shall begin our meeting by recounting our great deeds that we accomplished during our vacation in the name of the Goddess. Does anyone wish to begin?"

"I grew a Hitler mustache!" said Numida with pride. The others politely applauded him.

"I found a poor person to use as a foot stool," said Not-Appearing-in-this-Game. He then looked under the table. "Quit squirming, peasant! You're ruining the circulation of my holy blood."

"I poisoned the entire castle-town of Doma! Uweeheehee uweeheehee!" cackled Valtome. His applause was slightly more emphatic.

Hetzel was giving Oliver wary looks. "I… ah…"

"Purchased a man-bird of glorious plumage and beautiful form!" Oliver wailed. "Where did you acquire the vast sums necessary to outbid me? Where!" The other senators had to restrain him before he attacked the old man.

Hetzel had burst into nervous tears. "I'm sorry! He was just so pretty! I couldn't resist!" He also didn't mention that he'd let Rafael go, because he didn't want to lose his Senator Credibility™.

Senator Steve died of a heart attack. Because he was a Senator of Begnion, he went straight to Hell. Black were his days in power and the deeds he committed blacker still!

"Well, you did support the slave trade, so good for you," said Lekain with pride at the temerity of his group. "That makes an excellent segway into our prime topic. It turns out that the Empress has outlawed our slave trade."

This was met with gasps of shock and anger throughout the room.

"So we're going to kill her," Lekain continued.

The men clearly found this favorable, although Not-Appearing-in-this-Game raised his hand. "Of course attempting to stop our laguz slave trade is worthy of death, but aren't we the obvious choices for an assassination?" he asked nervously. Lekain was very scary. His mustache was far more impressive than the others'. "I mean, everyone is going to suspect us."

"Good point, whatever-your-name-is. Does anyone have any suggestions?"

Numida was the one to come up with the idea. "I know, we ought to blame the most innocent, gentle people around. So we frame it on the herons!"

Hetzel choked on his drink (only the blood of orphans, of course) as Oliver jumped up. "Never! You cannot lay blame on such magnificent specimens of man-birdage! The people may hurt the poor creatures, and then what?"

Valtome laughed joyfully. "But the slaughter of innocents is far more exciting than the slaughter of not-innocents! Bweeheehee!"

"But my beautiful statuary!" Oliver continued, not accepting this at all.

"Your statuary is inconsequential," said Lekain, putting his leader hat back on. "I agree with Senator Numida and his Hitler mustache. We kill the Empress and her entire family, and then we blame it on the herons! This is a plot guaranteed to never backfire."

"Somehow I doubt that," Hetzel muttered to himself.

Actually, Hetzel was wrong, in the immediate sense. The people of Begnion were actually stupid enough to believe that the death of their Empress and her family was really caused by the pacifistic herons for no reason. No one was more surprised than the Senators, but they were also pleased with this turn of events.

A few weeks later…

"I _told_ you that they'd hurt the poor man-birds!" Oliver wailed. He'd lost about 200 pounds since the last meeting because he'd refused to eat in honor of the death of prettiness. The others didn't care.

"Oh well," said Lekain. "But gentlemen, we need to discuss what to do next. It turns out the people want an empress again. We've got one option. She's about two."

"That makes her easy to influence with the true path of the Goddess," said Numida, whose Hitler 'stache was still as impressive as ever.

"True… Oh, and we'll also be getting a new Senator, to replace Steve. He's young too, so we can manipulate both of them."

Said Senator walked into the room, politely smiling. "Hullo everyone. My name's Sephiran, Duke of Persis. It's very nice to meet all of you."

"Bah! How dare you address me - us so informally!" Valtome declared from his seat where he was making a fur coat out of dalmatian puppies, "Don't you recognize your betters? Uwee hee hee!"

Sephiran merely smiled in response, which made Valtome angrier. He stood up in his fury. "What have you done to justify admittance into the elite Senators of Begnion, you godless cur?"

"He's so beautiful… like a gothic man-bird…" Oliver was drooling all over his notes, which were in fact doodles of him stabbing laguz-who-aren't-herons.

Sephiran's smile got a little brighter. "Oh, nothing _yet_. But trust me, I think you'll all approve."

"Well, regardless, I want to propose a new law," said Lekain with an air of pride, "Mandatory stoning of peasants who are too poor to purchase shields with which to hide from the stones!"


	26. Ike versus Valtome RD

A/N: So many shoutouts… Anyhow, this'll be it for a little while, because my current summer class ends next week and I still have 2 chapter reviews and 5 essays for the final paper to write. But once that's done, you can expect Interlude 7 Part Two and Round Nineteen Part Two, aka the completion of the Senator Quartet!

To slickr85: Ding ding ding, you got it right!

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><p><em>Round Nineteen, Part One:<em>

Senator Valtome gazed over the battlefield with a confident smirk on his face. "This should be easy," he said fondly. "The little bitch queen is all alone and the sub-humans have left the field. All that's left are those pathetic 'royal' knights and the sub-human sympathizers." He turned to the nearest soldier. "You there! Tell General Zelgius to attack!"

"Uh, sir," the poor soldier said awkwardly, "General Zelgius has left."

Valtome took a deep breath. A deep, deep breath, to calm his nerves. "Grrrr… vicious brat! Grrr... Aargh... I hate hate hate hate hate hate... hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU! ZELGIUUUUUS!"

Despite this, the group of soldiers that shipped non-con Valtome/Zelgius was not daunted.

Across the field, Soren looked just as pleased. "We've got Elincia in the middle, the Greil Mercenaries on one side and the Royal Knights on the other, versus the forces from the Duke of Culbert. We-"

"Duchess," Ike corrected.

"… No, that's a man."

"Huh, really? I mean, thanks to you I'm getting pretty good at figuring these things out, but uh, Valtome's wearing makeup. That pretty much means girl."

Soren merely shook his head. "Regardless, this battle should go well for us. …. Except, well…"

"Yeah, you don't look convinced."

Soren took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "If they were yellow units, we'd be all right, but Ike, they're _green_. The Crimean Knights are _green_."

"I hate green units," said Oscar, pouting as much as he was capable of. "They make me wish I could dye my hair and armor."

Ike rubbed his chin, trying to think of past instances involving green units. "I keep thinking of Tibarn killing Oliver and robbing us of the experience and satisfaction," he said. "There's more than that?"

"Astrid," said Soren.

Ike shuddered even as Mist chimed in, "She refused to hide even though she had like five hit points and couldn't counter-attack, right?"

"She also was level one," Boyd added, grinning as he recalled the sheer amount of vexation that had caused the Greil Mercenaries at the time.

Certainly not bitter at being rejected for Makalov, Gatrie spat out, "Well, she could have hidden behind me, but I was simply too attractive and manly for her. Also, my hair was far too normal and nice-looking. She prefers her men to be degenerates with pink afros."

"She's an idiot both on and off the field," Shinon translated.

"Green units are all idiots," Titania said soothingly. "It's part of their very nature."

"Micaiah, being a veteran strategist, probably has no problem controlling green units," said Ranulf with pride.

_Flashback_

"We must protect the noble Knights of Marado!" Micaiah called to her troops, rallying them. Behind her, Sothe, Zihark, Jill and Tauroneo were shaking their heads. "Look as they rescue the helpless citizens! Hurry, we must-"

One of the green units, rather than stay in a position to defend the fleers, attacked a lone myrmidon who had previously killed another knight. To the surprise of no one watching the fight, the myrmidon dodged before one-shotting the green unit.

"Never mind," said Micaiah, seeing how badly this was going to go.

_End Flashback_

"Anyhow, I think we're not giving the Royal Knights enough credit," said Ike. "I mean, their job is to protect Queen Elincia, right? So surely they'll just hang back and let us do the work after they reunite with her."

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Hey! What gives? What's wrong with that?" he demanded.

Soren's eyes were narrowed in pure rage as he looked over the Royal Knights. "The enemy leader is an archer surrounded by other archers. They're going to bum-rush them. By which I mean, the Royal Knights and Elincia are going to do the dumbest thing possible by moving towards the archers and thus likely getting Elincia killed. Because they're green units, and that's what green units do. They do either the dumbest or the most inconvenient thing possible because they _know_ that we can't tell them to stop, and thus they will do everything in their power to _ruin my tactics. _So yes, while they could hide in the corner and just wait for us to kill the enemy and thus fulfill their duty to protect the helpless Elincia, instead they will attempt to take out the entire enemy force by themselves without any consideration for either the fact that Elincia has no weapon and no defense against archers, and also for the fact that they will likely leave their healers exposed to any antagonists. Oh, and did I mention that they'll all do the incredibly stupid thing of attacking from two spaces away instead of actually doing any damage? Because they'll do that, I assure you. Especially Geoffrey, who actually has a very high strength rate and a Brave Lance yet he will still insist on tossing javelins and _missing_ every single time even though if he would just attack head-on he would _win_! And that goes for all of them! Oh, except for Makalov, who will run across the top of the field to attack units by himself, too far away for any sort of backup, because he's just that incredibly stupid! And let's not even get started on Astrid, who is completely worthless in this game anyway but will compound that by insisting on using her longbow and thus missing or not inflicting any damage at all, thus completely wasting her turns on frivolous, wasteful pursuits. In short, I hate them all."

Silence greeted this declaration.

"Gee, tell us how you really feel," drawled Shinon, never one to allow someone else to have the last word.

The battle went exactly as Soren predicted. By the end of it, the Royal Knights had lost both of their healers, Marcia, Astrid, and Makalov. Elincia would have died if not for some sweet dodging maneuvers. Soren also lost a good chunk of his hair after ripping it out in his fury.

But this lead to Valtome, also sporting a bald-spot due to rage-induced hair abuse, facing down General Zelgius. "So. Zelgius. You defied me! Do you know how that makes me feel!" He slapped Zelgius across the face. "That makes me feel furious! Outraged! Sick with anger!"

"Eh, I'm nigh invincible. So this whole 'you're going to kill me' thing is kind of funny, I'm not gonna lie." Then Zelgius considered how he was talking, then amended, "Sorry, embracing my alter-ego. _Oh no, whatever am I going to do? I must die in the name of my country."_

Valtome cleared his throat awkwardly. "Anyway, it's just so touching you stayed behind so that I can kill you. That, my dear boy, fills my heart with rainbows!" He gleefully clapped his hands. "All right, how to kill you, how to kill you… Evisceration? Decapitation? Lightning bolt?"

The noble Senator of Begnion was not given the opportunity to complete this task, as his hand was shot with an arrow.

"Stop right there!" called a strong voice. "I am Empress Sanaki, the champion of justice! In the name of the moon, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil… and that means you!"

Valtome groaned in the agony of terrible references before Zelgius sucker-punched him in the name of the moon.

"Revenge… I will… get it…" the senator gasped out, holding his tummy.

Both Sanaki and Zelgius scoffed at that. "I'd get over it if I were you," said the general. "The last thing we need is for you to go crazy and creepily obsessed with me, no matter how hot I am."

Sanaki sighed at her general. "You just made the perfect segway to the next chapter, you know."

To be continued!


	27. Interlude Pelleas versus Hitting RD

_Interlude 7 Part Two:_

Pelleas, King of Daein, was crouched in some brambles as he quickly scribbled in a well-worn diary: _Tibarn is so cool, he's not even transformed and he's just punching people so I can kill them and get some practice in. I'm deciding to not even think about killing people. This is more like killing zombies. Speaking of zombies, I wonder how Zombie Black Knight is doing –_

"Quit writing in your _diary_ and start flinging some spells, you crazy kid!" Tibarn complained before punching a Knight of Order. Pelleas, beaming because he got to participate, stood up and fired a powerful spell at the Knight… who dodged.

Tibarn face-palmed. "You can't be serious."

"Dark magic is very inaccurate," Pelleas defended himself weakly. "I'll get better, I promise!"

_Flashforward_

"Eat dark magic, dragon!" Pelleas called, flinging his incredibly destructive spell at a very slow dragon… who dodged.

_Flashback_

"Yeah, sure. I'm just going to keep punching things," Tibarn muttered. "Lord knows none of you would get experience if I didn't, and _some_ of us don't come with non-killing techniques."

"Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my enemies falling before my incredible power but not dying because I'm generous enough to give the experience to someone who needs it," said Elincia sweetly as she used Stun on a mook before graciously allowing it to live.

"Yeah yeah."

"Bitch," she finished, for emphasis.

Pelleas shot a spell at the stunned mook, who dodged.

Meanwhile, Ranulf had decided to improve himself after Ike had told him (during Round Eight) that he sucked. Yeah right, he was right hand to the future king of Gallia! Sure, that was three degrees removed from being a certifiable badass, but still! So yes, Ranulf was also untranformed, like Tibarn, and was kicking at enemies. The difference, though…

"Oh _fuAAAAAAAAAA!" _he screamed as his foot snapped in half. He hopped around the brambles, holding his poor ickle toesies. The soldier who had attacked him then killed him whilst he was holding his injury. "Oh noes, I am slain! Oh, if only I had plot immunity!" Ranulf snickered despite his death.

"Shut up, Ranulf," said Tibarn, unimpressed. "We all know you have plot immunity, so you can quit rubbing it in."

"Aw, it's only because I… have nine lives!" Ranulf laughed at his own cat pun.

Elincia sighed, fetching out her controller so she could restart the stage.

"Hey, what're you doing?" her co-captain demanded. "You're not going to restart because of _Ranulf_ are you?"

"Hey!" the cat protested.

"It's not just that," the Queen explained. "You have to admit, this isn't going very well at all."

Kieran, Astrid, Makalov, Lucia and Tauroneo were defending the western front, and taxing Elincia's healing capabilities. Zihark, Nephenee, formerly Ranulf, Tibarn, Pelleas and Calill were defending the southern flank and doing only a slightly better job of it. Reyson was singing.

"Yeah. I would say this is the army's B team, but we might be the army's C team," Tibarn admitted.

"No, no, that's definitely the Dawn Brigade."

The Hawk King grinned. "True, true."

"Hey!" someone yelled from across the field. "Excuse me, who gave you permission to banter about something that isn't my fabulous self?"

Everyone sighed. Like clockwork, every few minutes without fail Senator Valtome would begin to yell at the army for some reason or another. Once it had been because they weren't dying fast enough, another time had been because they weren't living enough, and even then one time it had been because he had snow in his hair.

"Seriously, can I just fly over and kill him?" asked Tibarn, fists clenched. "I won't mind at all, I promise. And he'll barely feel it."

"No no, we're going to do this correctly," said Elincia. "We're going to all make it to the end of the stage, taking out all of the enemies in our way, and then I'm going to pop a cap in his ass."

"… … … You're doing to do what?"

"Shut the fuck up, bitch." She restarted the stage.

"I've got a rock in my boot!" Valtome shouted at the army. "Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like I'm going to get a blister! I hate blisters!"

Cuing the dramatic sad music, the Hawk Army moved out to take refuge in some brambles.

"Hang on a second," Elincia interrupted. "What is this nonsense about us being the Hawk Army? We're definitely the Crimean Army."

"You wanna fight about it?" offered Tibarn, cracking his knuckles.

"You wanna die about it?" Elincia retorted. It should be noticed that despite being a complete hardass, she managed to sound rather nice at the same time. Not many people can pull off that kind of skill, but this is Elincia we're talking about. Girlfriend's got skill.

In fact, that's the reason why Tibarn was so put-off by her; he was well used to threats and talks of grandeur, but rarely did someone do it so nicely. "Um. No thanks," he said, wondering if he was feeling worried or turned on. He, however, did not admit this aloud, as Reyson was floating right next to him.

"I can read your mind," said Reyson, scowling mightily.

Tibarn sweat-dropped. "Oh, look, over there! An enemy!" He floated off to punch it.

After a few turns, Pelleas ran out onto the field with the air of an excited sprinter. "Hi guys!"

Everyone groaned.

Lucia attacked an enemy, doing mild damage, before getting hit for over half of her health. Kieran didn't believe in dodging. Makalov may have been a decent dodger, but he was about ten levels lower than everyone else on the field. Astrid missed almost as much as Pelleas, although unlike him her connections did not result in any damage.

Elincia's eye was twitching.

"You know, people got the Ghirahim reference," Valtome called over, sounding very conversational despite being across the field and completely insane, "but no one's gotten the Kefka references! Has no one played _Final Fantasy VI?_ It's a classic! It's eighteen years old, so there's no excuse!"

_"WOULD YOU QUIT COMPLAINING?"_ Tibarn shouted, shaking in rage.

Valtome let out his creepy condescending laugh before kicking a cleric in the crotch.

Both of Elincia's eyes were twitching. When Tauroneo died thanks to a combination of bad luck and a distance-magic mage, she restarted the stage with an eerie calm before kicking it into high gear. "Take this, bitch," she growled, tossing Tibarn her Mercy skill.

"Uh," said Tibarn for lack of anything better to say.

She took to the sky, flying over the enemy forces. "You cannot stand against us!" Elincia declared, landing her Pegasus in front of Valtome. "We represent the leadership of Crimea, Phoenicias and Daein! Tibarn, Pelleas and I will never allow you to hurt members of our kingdoms!"

Valtome scoffed. "I don't know what this Pelleas is, but it sounds disappointing."

Pelleas, newly arrived on the field, pouted.

Elincia drew her precious and powerful sword, Amiti. "I give you one last chance to surrender, Senator Valtome!"

Valtome laughed airily. "Oh please. You can kill me before I even get a spell off, but you're also ugly. And you smell bad. Ugly bad-smeller."

Elincia killed him. "Bitch."

Of course this didn't end the stage, because this was a Rout stage, and so they ended up having to restart anyway when Lucia bit the big one, but it was the principle of the thing. Valtome stopped complaining quite so loudly after that.


	28. Interlude Dawn Brigade v Hitler 'stache

_Interlude 7 Part Three:_

"So it turns out that Yune caused the Apocalypse a few years back," said Micaiah, blasé.

"Guys, we have company!" Naesala reported, easily spottable amongst the desert sand.

Sothe held up both of his hands for a time-out. "Okay, wait, wait, wait a minute! You can't just say 'oh by the way our ally nearly caused the end of all life because of a temper tantrum' and then just act like it's not a big deal! It's a huge deal! We're trusting this crazy goddess with our lives when she could kill us all again!"

"Zelgius is the Black Knight," said Ranulf before disappearing back to his own chapter.

"Who's Zelgius?" asked Micaiah.

"Never mind him!" Sothe snapped. "I refuse to let us pull an Ike and Ranulf, where you tell me critical information in a bored tone and I act like I don't care! I do care!"

"Let's get going! I need to go yell at Lekain!" Sanaki demanded, sauntering off through the sand. Everyone followed her, including Micaiah.

"Hey! Where are you going! Come back here!" Sothe demanded. He was ignored; he was starting to get used to it, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

"Hello Sanaki!" crooned Vice-Minister Lekain, "Let's cut to the chase. You're the second apostle because your older sister was murdered by pacifistic man-birds for no adequate reason!"

"Nooooo!" she wailed, distraught over the revelations.

"Now we'll solve all of our problems with a straight-up duel to the death, with my fifty-some units versus your twelve! That's clearly how the Goddess would have planned it, had she been here!" He cackled. "Ta ha ha, you suck!" Using his plot-device stick, he vanished to the other side of the map.

The battle started.

Sothe was losing his patience. "Okay, now wait a second. If your entire family was murdered by pacifists, how did _you_ survive? And if your sister died, wouldn't you be the apostle anyway? Or is the system that specific? What if an empress had a boy?"

"What's your point, Sothe?" Sanaki demanded, tearful.

"My point is that this entire subplot sucks," he said, scowling. "You could be the real apostle and we'd still have a perfectly acceptable plot, but now they've retconned everything! I mean, how did you survive? More importantly, how did your big sister who is totally a spoiler survive _and_ make it to another country? Even worse, how did all of these people survive the Serenes Massacre? _They burnt down the forest, _and yet, the King, Reyson, Leanne, Rafiel and their big sister – the one who gave the Medallion to Ike's mom – survived! How does that even work? Are the Senators of Begnion just really bad at killing things? Maybe that's it. In fact, now that I think about it, that explains pretty much everything." He smiled beatifically. "Yes, it does. I finally understand now. The entire plot and driving force of these games is that the Senators of Begnion are evil and they suck at killing things."

"I like you," said Sanaki, calming down and smirking again.

The scowl returned in full force. "Hey," he complained, "why can't I move? Thieves could run around on the sand in the last game, why did they take that away?" Sothe looked at the sky and shook his fist. "Why do you insist on making me terrible, game!"

"You're not that bad," said Leonardo, who was far worse.

"Compared to you, maybe, but if Volke were in this game I'd be completely redundant. If I'd gotten Lethality instead of Bane I would be completely awesome but noooooo." He kicked some sand dismissively. "This sucks."

"Oh my goodness!" Micaiah wailed, "They're so many of them and they're so powerful! Are we destined to perish here?"

"What?" asked some of her nearby companions.

Skrimir in particular was annoyed. "I haven't even gotten to transform yet and you're already lamenting? How weak are you, woman? We'll-"

"We're all going to die!" Micaiah snapped back.

The Black Knight appeared in the middle of the stage. He crossed his wrists in front of him and started to dance. "Oppan Black Knight style!"

The entire Dawn Army groaned in dismay even as Marcia put their complaints to words – "Crackerjacks and cheese he's a _green unit!_"

Somewhere, Soren's head exploded in repressed fury.

"Way to go Micaiah!" Edward told her, and it was obvious that even he was being sarcastic. "Thanks for summoning that tank to steal our experience when we totally don't need help!"

"You're welcome," she replied angelically.

"Ah, I see that they've gotten one reinforcement, which makes our numbers closer to fifty to thirteen," said Lekain, "Clearly these are not good enough odds anymore. This is my cue to leave." He turned to his fellow senator. "Goodbye, Senator Numida and your Hitler mustache. I hope you and your mustache can defeat these evil foes in the name of the Goddess. It would be such a shame to lose such an excellent example of facial hair."

"My mustache and I will prevail!" Numida vowed. Lekain, nodding, used his plot device stick to run away.

"Great. You panicked and summoned the Black Knight, which made the one person we wanted to kill run away. Damn it Micaiah!" Nolan snapped, losing his patience. "I refuse to talk to you anymore. I'm leaving." He turned and walked one space away.

Naesala, Harr, Tanith and Sigrun flew around killing everyone. Marcia and Jill flew around throwing axes and spears from a distance and missing. They weren't allowed to get too close, because if they did then they would die.

"Guys!" Micaiah cried, heartbroken that her friends were leaving her. "Don't go, I'm sorry!"

Without acknowledging her pleas, the other members of the Dawn Brigade continued to give her the cold shoulder, walking away one space per turn. It lessened the drama somewhat, but Micaiah was still heartbroken.

"Fine," she said, wibbling, "Fine, I don't need any of you! I still have the Black Knight! He's my best friend!"

The Black Knight killed a mook with Eclipse. "Not sure why I'm even here," he muttered to himself. "Can't move, no plot reasoning… I think I'm just here to be badass." He chuckled to himself. "That's silly. I'm always here to be badass."

"Hi Black Knight!" Micaiah cheered, catching up to him easily.

"I'm going to ask you to come with me after the battle," said he.

Micaiah scowled. "Huh? Why?"

Despite the fact that he was wearing a huge helmet, it was obvious that he was uncomfortable. "I don't know," he admitted. "It's orders from my Master. But I'm not sure why."

The two awkwardly looked at each other. "Well, I'm going to go now," she said carefully.

"Yeah. You do that."

As such, Micaiah was in tears as she ran away from her ex-friends, across the stage. The world was a cold, cruel place, filled with no real comrades, nothing good, no color except for that tuft of grass in the middle of the sand –

Wait, grass?

A head popped out of the sand, revealing that the grass had actually been a full head of spiky green hair. "Hello," the head said pleasantly, and the body attached to the head began to claw its way free.

No, not its. _His_. Very, very much _his_.

Micaiah would have said something like _oh go - something_ except that would have required breath, and she didn't have any. This was the single most attractive creature, beorc or laguz, she had ever laid eyes upon. He was like sex on two legs. And even better, he felt _right _to her, like they were the same, which made the idea of them being together even more alluring. The man shook a little, dislodging sand and moving in slow motion.

"I'm sorry to have surprised you," Mr. Sexy said, voice deep and suave. "It's just that I can't help but participate in a battle wherein one of my brethren is in danger."

_Oh and he's polite! Ack – Micaiah, say something polite! _"Who are you?" she asked, hoping she sounded mature.

He quirked an incredibly perfect eyebrow. "If you ask someone their name, isn't it polite to give your name first?"

She melted on the inside. "Oh yes," she moaned. "My name… my name is Micaiah."

Mr. Sexy didn't look terribly surprised by the, ahem, emotion behind her response. "And I am Stefan. Well met. I will join with you, and together may we protect our kind and defeat these evil fools."

"I am no longer the _Maiden_ of Dawn," she whispered, reverent.

Because the developers are jealous of the sheer magnitude of Stefan's sexiness, he was forced to look just as absurd as everyone else as he walked forward one space at a time.

Numida was growing nervous as the enemies grew closer. How could this be happening? These fools were going against the Goddess Herself! They should have lost ages ago, and yet –

There was an incredibly sexy man with bright green hair who had gotten close enough that Numida could attack with his long-range spell. "Who are you?" he demanded in terror as he prepared his magic.

The green-haired man looked calm and suave as a stray gust of wind blew his hair around and some sand in his face. "I am the Desert, and I brook no intrusion," he replied, ignoring the mouth of full of sand, "Make your peace with your goddess."

Numida swooned a little, but held his resolve and attacked. He flung the spell and hit the Desert (if that was his real name!) for impressive damage.

Then a mook hit Stefan again and killed him.

Micaiah blinked. She blinked again. "Huh," she said.

Haar shook his head at the poor showing his former fellow Badass Trio member had put up. "We can't all have gotten upgrades," he said with a sigh.

The Black Knight swung his right arm around in a lasso, and everyone joined him in a flash mob. "Ehhh, sexy lady! Op, op, op op oppan Black Knight style!"

Micaiah restarted the stage in the name of sexiness. Because of the obvious conclusion – the demise of both Numida and his Hitler mustache – we will instead use the "name of sexiness" comment to segue into the next chapter… coming soon, to a story near you!


	29. Ike versus Oliver RD

A/N: The next chapter is almost done! The team is ready to go into the Tower to fight Lekain, and once I get that written I can post the next two :3 Woohoo! This story is still fun for me, so I hope it's still fun for you!

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><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall Round Nineteen Part Two<em>

"This is either the setup to an orgy porno or a horror film," said Boyd. He was referring to the fact that the horrible weather outside had forced Team Greil Mercenaries into the abandoned home of the late Duke Oliver.

"I'd vote for an orgy except that I hate all of you," said Shinon. Conversely, somehow Gatrie was already naked.

Mia looked over the team before astutely observing, "Gayest orgy ever. I'm totally in!"

Heather gasped, indignant. "It is not! We have you, me, Titania, Mist, Soren, Nailah and Rafiel! And those other people but who cares about them. It's perfect!"

Rafiel merely tittered. Soren facepalmed Heather's face.

"Seven girls and six guys!" Gatrie exclaimed. "It sounds perfect to me!" He and Heather exchanged a brofist - not that they liked each other, but at this point the Ike and Ranulf Obligatory Brofist had caught on to infect most of the group.

Soren facepalmed Gatrie's face. "I've always wondered how you were capable of breathing and thinking at the same time. Now I know you're not. I actually find that reassuring."

Ike came back after a little bit of scouting. "I'm thinking this is actually a horror film," he admitted. "This place is pretty clean, like someone was living here."

"Or _un-_living here!" Rolf squealed in terror, hiding behind Shinon.

Mia raised her hand. "But if this is a horror movie, who's the killer?"

"Soren," said Titania, Mist, Gatrie, Shinon, Rhys, Oscar, Boyd, Rolf, Heather, Nailah, Rafiel and Ike.

"Me," said Soren.

Mia blinked in surprise that her question had been answered so forthright. "Well, that's no good. While I definitely think that Soren would be the one to kill us all one by one, what fun is it if we already know that?"

"For a surprise twist, it could be Shinon," Rhys pointed out pleasantly. "That's still plausible."

"But it's not really a surprise," Boyd pointed out. "The only reason he's not as likely as to kill us as Soren is because of alcohol. If we really want to be surprised, that means the killer is…" He gasped dramatically. "Rhys!"

Everyone gasped, looking at Rhys, who looked horrified at the idea.

Ike considered that. "Actually, Rhys could make an awesome Black Knight. I mean, who would look at him and he think he was evil? I certainly wouldn't. That's awesome. I like this plot twist way better."

"Okay, so now that we have that settled, we all have to split up," Oscar said reasonably. "That way we're all in danger."

"Adding on to that," said Gatrie, "we should all split up into small groups – that way, we can have some hot sex before we all get killed by Black Knight Rhys. I volunteer to go with Mia, Heather, Titania, Mist, Soren, Nailah and Rafiel."

"Hell to the you," said Heather.

"Anyone who touches Rafiel is going to get sucker-punched," said Nailah. No one looked impressed until she amended, "By me. Sucker-punched by me." They still didn't look impressed until she finished, "When I'm a wolf."

Gatrie and Heather gently took sidesteps away from Rafiel, who merely blushed, pleased.

"Okay, wait a second you guys, Soren is a dude," said Ike.

Heather, Gatrie and Boyd all gasped.

"No way!" Heather protested, looking at Soren appraisingly. "No way at all."

"Definitely," Gatrie agreed, "Definitely not."

"Whose bright idea was it to have a second Gatrie? This may just be the worst day of my life. And it has stiff competition," Soren muttered to himself, wondering how to kill them both and frame Rhys for it.

Nailah perked up, looking away as her ears twitched. "My 'Rafiel is in danger' sense is tingling."

"Does it ever _stop_?" Shinon drawled.

"Someone's here," Nailah continued, ignoring Shinon. She walked away and the group followed her, able to see clear across the house.

"Senator Oliver, we senators of Begnion have graciously given you life once more," wheezed Senator Hetzel, who was standing there with a contingent of soldiers and a certain someone, "and we expect you to use it appropriately."

"Lolwut," said Ike.

"Yes, of course I shall!" crooned Duke Oliver, who hadn't lost a single pound since death. "I shall destroy these interlopers in my abode!"

"Suddenly I've lost interest in an orgy," said Heather and Gatrie in unison.

"No no no," said Ike, "no no no no no."

"See that you do," Hetzel managed to say before teleporting away.

Oliver looked down at the Greil Mercenaries. "I shall enjoy taking my revenge in the name of beauty!"

"_NO NO NO NO NO,"_ Ike continued, hoping that this would make him go away. "_NO NO NO."_

Despite Ike's vehement protests in the name of continuity, the stage did not go away and the Greil Mercenaries were forced to fight off waves of mooks. Admittedly while the fact that Oliver was still alive despite all evidence pointing to him being incredibly dead was a horrible thing, there was something worse.

"Hi guys!" said Tormod before getting killed by the closest mook. Then Vika got killed because she couldn't do any damage, which meant Muarim got gang-attacked and also died.

Nailah's ears flattened against her scalp. "Are you kidding me? They didn't show up for two parts and suddenly we're supposed to keep their underleveled butts alive?"

For once Ike agreed. "If we save them, then he's just gonna complain that he's short, so I say we keep going."

So they did, and they won. Ike was fully prepared to kill Oliver when porn music started playing in the background. Heather and Gatrie both disrobed, cheering.

Rhys, who was about to stab Boyd in the back, looked put-out. "Hey, I thought we decided this was a horror movie."

"Oh! _Oh!_" Squealing in glee, Oliver pushed a mook out of the way and ran up to Rafiel, petting the heron's long hair. "Oh, a most delectable, glorious, _spec-tac-u-riffic_ specimen of man-bird! Oh, to live to see this day – truly it is the blessings of the goddess upon me!"

"Meep," said Rafiel.

"You didn't live to see this day!" Ike protested, angry that Reality was not listening to him. "You're dead! You're totally dead!"

The porn music grew louder as Oliver cooed and petted poor Rafiel. "Oh Goddess _yes_, ohhh yes! You're so beautiful it hurts so good!"

Nailah sucker-punched him, as a wolf, in the groin.

"Yep. It's a horror story," said Shinon, covering his own.


	30. Interlude: Everyone versus Apathy RD

_Interlude Seven Part Four:_

"Okay guys, we have this stage to get through," said Tibarn to the Crimean Hawk Army, "Problem is, it's not very funny because it's essentially 80 turns of nothing. So let's make it quick."

"Geoffrey's back!" Elincia squealed in joy.

A feral tiger knocked Geoffrey's head from his shoulders.

"Geoffrey's dead!" she wailed.

"I'm here to kill everyone and make you wish Sothe wasn't required," said Volke.

Calill became a human embodiment of death, flinging fire magic and destroying feral laguz like some sort of machine gun flamethrower, but because Sanaki was required in the endgame Calill could be as awesome as she wanted without it making a difference.

"I'm a Senator of Begnion," Izuka hissed.

Pelleas gasped in tears of woe, shock and betrayal. No one else was surprised.

"Huh, let's see. He's hunchbacked, deformed, dresses in all black and experiments on those he deems racially inferior. _Of course he's a senator of motherfucking Begnion!_" Tibarn roared, finally losing his patience. _"What is wrong with these people? Why are all the senators clinically insane and completely morally reprehensible? WHO KEEPS ELECTING THESE FUCKTARDS?"_

"Tell us how you really feel," Ranulf drawled.

"Black magic attack!" roared Izuka, aiming at Tibarn and missing. Tibarn killed him.

Reyson saved everyone ever by singing a song.

"I'm alive even though I got infected with evil and killed during _Path of Radiance_!" said Duke Renning. "Birdsong can fix everything!"

"Yay!" said Elincia.

"No one cares," said everyone else.


	31. Ike versus the Army RD

A/N: SORRY FOR THE DELAY. School has been kicking my butt lately, and seriously the only reason I have no school work today is that I DO have schoolwork today and I'm ignoring it. So writing it is! I've missed this story, I admit it.

* * *

><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall Round Nineteen, Part Three:<em>

Ike and Yune looked over the list of people who constituted the entire Army. "We can only take seventeen people in," said Yune with authority.

"That seems arbitrary, but okay," Ike replied, not wanting to get into an argument when there were lives on the line.

"Of course you and I will be going in," she said, adding their names to another list that was thus far empty. Ike nodded – not that she cared or anything, but he did. "And we need one of the herons, but we can decide which one later. So, who else needs to go in…"

"In no particular order, we need Tibarn, Naesala, Nailah, Cainhegis, Volke, Soren and your support of whoever is the best person we can find, which is probably Pelleas. And then, frankly, we don't need anyone else."

Yune apparently didn't hear him, because she continued, "Kurthnaga does."

Ike was confused. "Huh? But he's not even a usable unit. Or at least he hasn't been."

"That's why we need to have him," she replied reasonably. "Because we haven't had him yet."

"That's not a reason-"

"And of course if we have Kurthnaga we need Ena, because they're so cute together! She's _pink_. Isn't that precious?"

"I'm not following," said Ike, looking like a lost puppy.

"And we need Sanaki!" she continued gleefully.

"_What?_"

"She's my ickle baby sister, although that's a spoiler." Yune started glowing in joy. "We'll get to do sisterly bonding things!"

"Okay, Sanaki can pack a punch, but she can't heal so she's not that great!" Ike protested. "Why aren't you listening to me?"

"Aaaaaand Sothe!"

That sunk into Ike's brain and caused it to explode. "Wait… what? No. Wait. Sothe? No. No. That's just… No. What. Why?"

"Because," said Yune, looking just a little embarrassed, "I like looking at his belly button."

As Ike tried to think of an appropriate response that wouldn't get him smote, across the campsite there was another meeting that wasn't going terribly well for one of the parties.

"You look familiar," said Tibarn to Oliver.

"No I don't," replied the corpulent senator, nervous.

"You're right, he does look like I've seen him before," Janaff agreed. "But I'm pretty sure if we met him we would have killed him. He just seems like that kind of person."

"No I don't," said Oliver.

"You _did_ kill him," Ulki commented to Tibarn. "Ripped his head off. I remember because the blood splurted everywhere, and it was kind of funny."

"No you didn't," said Oliver.

Tibarn lit up. "You're right! I did kill him! I remember now because the beorc were ticked off that I stole their experience. It was funny."

"That didn't happen," said Oliver.

Tibarn was beaming now. "I ripped your head off. I remember it clear as day."

"No, not my head," said Oliver. "It is still firmly attached and as beautiful as ever."

"It shouldn't be," Tibarn replied. "Not really sure how you got it reattached."

"Because you never took it off," said Oliver. "Really. I just have a very murderable face. I can't walk down the street without someone thinking they've killed me before. Happens all the time."

Tibarn frowned. "That's a good point. I'm remembering why I killed you, and if you're here and I can't kill you again…" he walked off to find Ike. Oliver sighed in relief.

Meanwhile, Yune continued, "And then I think we need Edward, Leonardo, Nolan, Laura, Aran, Meg, Fiona, and Pelleas!"

Ike's brain refused to stitch itself back together. "The… the Dawn Brigade? You want to use the Dawn Brigade? But they're the butt of every joke we've made in this entire story!"

"And those jokes have been funny," she replied cheerfully. "That's why they need to go in."

Ike held up his hands for a time-out. "Okay, okay, wait. We can compromise. Aran, Nolan, Edward and Pelleas are actually okay units." He didn't add that Soren shipped Pelleas/Micaiah and had already asked Pelleas go in, because that was just awkward. "But Meg is level 3, and Fiona is level 9. Of their first tiers. We just… we can't use them."

Yune pouted dramatically. "Fiiiiiiine. Geez. No fun at all, you are. I'm starting to remember why I don't like you."

"You could talk to my sister but she would say the same thing. Besides, she's not going in. And anyway, don't you want to really, truly kill Lekain and Ashera? The best way to do that would be with a horde of super-powerful laguz…" Ike said as convincingly as possible.

Yune looked intrigued. "Good point, good point. Okay! Let's do this!"

She flounced off to give Micaiah a promotion, leaving Ike alone with the list. He tried his best to erase Sothe and Ena from it, but they were magically forced. He grumbled a bit, erased who he could, and created the beginnings of Royal Branded Brigade and Sothe™: Ike, Soren, Micaiah, Sothe, Sanaki, Kurthnaga, Ena, Pelleas, Caineghis, Naesala, Nailah and Tibarn. "Phew! There's three empty spaces, but we can decide on that a little later. Now to decide on which heron we're bringing-"

Darkness loomed above him, forcing him to shift to get back in the sun. The shadows shifted with him, and he looked up into the very serious faces of Tibarn, Nailah and Naesala. "Hi," he said, nervous.

They each said "We're bringing" but after that it became a mix of three names. Of course Ike knew which ones they were saying, but it did sound a little silly.

Ike held up his hands to defend himself in case he said something wrong. "We can't take all three of them, because it's dangerous! It's safer if they stay out of the tower."

"The alternative is you taking the fat creepy pervert in, and leaving them out," said Tibarn.

Ike grimaced as he looked at Oliver. True to character, Oliver was harassing the heron siblings while Reyson kicked him. Ike looked back at the three Laguz Royals. "You have a point. I'd rather take all three of them than him, so… screw the rules, I have birds."

Nailah patted him on the shoulder. "Wise decision." The three left him alone, content with his obedience.

Ike penciled in the three herons. "Well, okay, so I still have space for three more people," he said to himself, "so hmm, who should I-"

"You should bring me," purred someone.

Ike looked up and saw two catgirls and a tiger laguz. All three were leering at him seductively. He groaned. "No." Before Kyza, Lethe and Lyre could make their cases, Ike yelled for Ranulf to remove his subordinates. Since Ranulf had no desire to go into the Tower, he expertly hit on all three of them and lured them away from Ike.

Ike shuddered as he crossed their names off the complete list of the army. "No effing way," he muttered. He vaguely wondered who else would show up out of the woodwork to demand a place even as he scanned the list for potential people, crossing off more names than he kept. Hmmm, they didn't have any spear-users, so maybe Nephenee or Gatrie -

Ike's train of thought was interrupted by a pimpcane to the face. After the stars faded from his vision, he managed to look up to see a very angry-looking Elincia flanked by a slightly-embarrassed but completely worshipful Geoffrey. "I'm going in," Elincia said calmly. "And so is Geoffrey. You will get us our A-support. Or I will kill you."

Ike, with no backtalk or delays or questions about how Geoffrey survived the last chapter, penciled the two in. Elincia, with no word of thanks, walked away, dragging her boy behind. Geoffrey was not complaining.

All right, so one more spot was open. They had a badass sword open, a badass axe open, and a badass bow open, so that limited down their options somewhat. But since Shinon had a support with Gatrie, maybe he should sit this one out… okay, that works… so a swordsman or a -

"Not Haar," said Soren, sitting down next to Ike. Ike, getting used to this interruptions, didn't bat an eyelash.

"Huh? Why? He doesn't have a support with anyone, so we can build up a new one pretty fast, and he can fly and kill stuff…"

"Because the final two levels have enemies that are all mages," his tactician replied.

He wasn't convinced. "Haar's resistance isn't that bad, is it?"

Soren looked over. "Illyana!" he snapped.

Illyana sneezed in Haar's general direction, and he died. Then she started eating his corpse.

Soren looked back at Ike. "Yes it is."

Ike wasn't sure if he wanted to puke or wanted to grab a fork. "I don't suppose wyvern is spicy…"

"_GUYS GUESS WHAT?" _Mia crooned, a bottle of alcohol in her hand. "_I AM TOTALLY… TOTALLY SHNOCKERED!"_

_ "SHNOCKERED ISN'T A WORD!" _proclaimed Kieran, who was also totally shnockered. Giggling, they ran off together. Soren sighed and got up, chasing them to make sure they didn't burn down the camp.

Ike kind of wanted to cry. "Why is everyone in this camp completely crazy?"

"Not everyone is." A cooling wind blew through the area, and Ike looked up at the calming presence of Stefan.

He let out a sigh of relief, not questioning how he survived his chapter either. "Wow. Yes. Okay, do you want to go into the Tower? You'll get Alondite. It's got swordbeams too."

Stefan nodded slowly and suavely. "That sounds perfect. Of course, I could also use my own SS-ranked sword, the May or May Not Be a Katti. It's better than the Alondite, although it doesn't have swordbeams."

Ike considered this. "In my experience, when in doubt, go with swordbeams."

Stefan shrugged magnanimously. "Fair enough. Call me when we go into the Tower." He walked away, the wind dramatically rustling his perfect hair and awesome coat-robe-thing.

"I'm back!" said Yune, wearing a whole new outfit.

"Where'd you get the clothes from?"

"Nowhere. Are we ready to go in?"

Ike handed her the list of people going in. Yune hummed as she looked it over. "Aw, that's boring. It's like cheating but it's totally allowable by the rules of the game. Except for the heron thing but I don't want to die either so I get where you got that."

"Exactly. Let's just go in and get this over with." Ike stood up and stretched. "If worse comes to worse and it's too easy, the laguz royals can un-shift and punch things. That'll make it hard."

"We're in hard mode already," Yune pointed out. "But good point. All right team! Let's go in!"

Those tapped to enter the tower went inside and were greeted by Lekain, Hetzel and a horde of mooks.

"Oh no," said Rafiel, fanning himself, "I do declare that is Hetzel. It will be terribly awkward if we speak to each other again, which is fine considering we can't."

Lekain took a deep breath to puff up his chest. "Allow me to condense my speech to a few short sentences. We the Senators of Begnion killed the last Apostle and framed it on the herons, and our intent was to kill you, Empress Sanaki, and frame it again on the herons."

"That's pretty stupid," said Sanaki, no longer as woeful as she was the last time Lekain told her this.

Leanne and Reyson both face-palmed and Rafiel gasped in gentle surprise. "Oh come on, there's only four of us left!" Reyson protested. "Find some other scapegoat, you jackass!"

Lekain merely huffed. "It turns out that I'm not that creative," he said lamely. "Anyway, now we battle!" He disappeared to the side of the stage.

With the start of the player phase, Ike and Micaiah both started with, "Okay team, we're" before both stopping at glaring at each other.

"Aw hell no," said Ike. "I'm the hero. You are my backup."

Micaiah crossed her arms. "You say that but we all know you don't come up with any of your own ideas. If you want to be the hero, you have to earn it!"

"I am coming up with this idea right now!" he snapped back, marching into the middle of the fray.

Hetzel raised his sleep staff. Ike face-planted in the cold stone.

"Sucker," said Micaiah.


	32. Ike versus Sigmund Freud PoR

_Ike versus the Fourth Wall Round Twenty_

Ike awoke with a splitting headache. What had happened…

Oh, yeah. TKO courtesy of his dad and a piece of wood. Even better, he'd subsequently had the kind of dream every teenage boy wants – a dream of his hot dead mom.

_Kiss my ass, Freud_, he thought as he sat up, rubbing his aching head.

"Ike, you're up!" squealed his little sister Mist. She stood up from her bouquet creation and put her hands on her hips, glaring at their father. "Father, you know better! Go easier on him next time! You really hurt him with your giant stick!"

Ike nearly cried as his newfound Inner Sigmund started snickering while puffing on a cigar. At least this made it easier to ignore his dad's bragging –

"Wait a minute," Ike interjected, an idea popping into his head, "You're my dad, right? Wise, kind, ass-kicker with a vaguely mysterious past?"

"What's your point?" asked Greil.

"You're in charge too… oh man, I'm sorry." He gave his dad a hug. "I'll be surprised if you outlive the first ten maps. The odds are stacked against you, my friend."

"Bad boy, Ike. No spoilers," Greil chided.

Mist wibbled. "Aren't you worried?"

The veteran scoffed. "Oh please. I'm going to get killed in a duel by my former apprentice, a tall man in obscuring black armor, while my heir watches."

"George Lucas is gonna sue somebody," Ike muttered.

"Precisely. Now then, since we've gotten that all taken care of, it's time to continue our epic duel. First you will duel Boyd, and then me. That's fair."

"Uh," said Ike, "how is that fair? Boyd is like three levels higher than me, and you just kicked my ass without breaking a sweat! Shouldn't _you_ be fighting both of _us?_"

Greil just laughed, and Ike grumbled to himself before taking to the field.

"Hi guys!" Boyd exclaimed, "I'm here to kick ass and chop wood, and I'm all out of wood! Get it, because I'm using an axe!"

"Yeah yeah." Ike moved forward the designated amount of spaces before looking at the stat screen. "Wow, Boyd, you're slower than mud."

"That may be the case but I can definitely hit the broad side of a barn!" the green-haired man crooned.

"Go Ike!" Mist exclaimed, "You can definitely defeat him because your sword is better than his axe, even if your sword is just a piece of hard wood!"

"Ahhh damn it." If it hadn't come from his sister – "Damn it!" Ike hit himself in the head. "Stop it, just all of you stop talking!" Ahem. If his sister hadn't been the one accidentally stoking the fires of his Inner Freud – "_Oh come on there's better ways to say that!"_ Ike wailed.

The other three people there just stared at him.

The point was, if Mist hadn't been the one saying it, Ike probably would have found the whole metaphor thing hysterical. But it was his sister. And his father. At the same time –

Ike ran up to a tree and hit his head on it.

This was all his dad's fault! If his dad hadn't been actively trying to stop Ike from becoming a real man then – no, stop it, bad analogy – if his father hadn't been insistent of keeping Ike out of the Mercenaries, then Ike wouldn't have strove so hard to defeat his father in a duel of penise - swords! Swords! Then Ike wouldn't have _dreamt_ about his _hot mom_ –

Ike started screaming, because it was drowning out the voices in his head that were snickering at him.

"Ohhhkaaaay," said Mist, not sure if she wanted to comfort her brother or not, "well, I guess I can ask this now since we're waiting… about earlier, does that mean I'm Princess Leia? That'd be cool, I think-"

"You just made it woooooorse!" Ike wailed in agony. "They kiiiiiiss!"

"Ewww, Ike! Where did that come from!" she demanded. "You're in the wrong game for that kind of thing! We all know you're gay!"

"Which brings us back to the topic of sword-fighting with Dad! That's it, I give up!" Ike killed himself for a non-standard game over.


	33. Ike and the Game vs the Fourth Wall RD

A/N: I have to apologize again for the long wait - I've been sick recently (case in point the other night I slept solidly for 12 hours!). Also I'm working on abridging Path of Radiance, which is taking awhile, although spoiler alert: Ike asks after Soren's feelings _eleven times_ (not including support conversations!). I'm not even kidding. In contrast, Soren asks after Ike's feelings once. I was amused. Anyhow…

_Ike versus the Fourth Wall Round Twenty-One_

"All right, Greil Mercenaries and Friends!" Ike called, staring out into the snowy field where the Daein Arm had set up their last stand, "We have no choice but to go through Daein if we want to get to Begnion, our real foes! Don't hold anything back, even if you fight our friends Zihark, Jill and Sothe!"

"Who's Zihark?" asked Boyd.

"Who's Jill?" asked Rolf.

"Who's Sothe?" asked Soren.

Ike wasn't surprised that the brothers didn't know what was going on, but Soren shocked him. "Huh? Some staff officer you are."

Soren huffed. "I know that one of our foes is named Sothe, but I remember everyone from the Mad King's War. I never gave supplies to someone named Sothe."

Ike sweatdropped. "Uh, yeah, anyway, Greil Mercenaries move – hey what's with the giant number in the corner?"

The army looked up to the right corner of the sky. "Well whaddya know," said Gatrie, "there's a giant number up there."

"That's what I said!"

"It's the number zero," Shinon said, "Maybe it's to let us know how many decent enemies we'll be fighting heeeeeeyooooooo!" He and Boyd shared an obligatory brofist.

"Well, we're figure it out," said Ike, putting his leader hat back on, "so cue up the dramatic music…" with a wave of his hand, "Eternal Bond" started playing in the background, "and Greil Mercenaries, move out!"

The heroes marched forward, although none was so happy as Ranulf. "My last required mission!" the cat man gushed as he drank his Olivi grass. "I can finally take a nap and do nothing! This is great!"

"Yeah yeah, quit bragging," Haar retorted, bitter, before killing a mook. The giant number in the corner turned to 1.

This made everyone on the field pause and look up. "Wait a minute," said Ike, "are you telling me that the number is counting our kills?"

"It seems to be that way," said Mist, sniffing in distaste.

"So the game itself is breaking the fourth wall?" her brother finished, clearly surprised.

"Seems to be that way."

"Wow. It's like _Inception!_"

The Greil Mercenaries finished their turn and the forces of Daein attacked. In the back of the map, Micaiah and Sothe were playing poker. "We sure could've used this massive army of doombots last map," the Silver-Haired Maiden muttered as she looked over hand.

"Tweet tweet," said her loyal bird.

"Oh! That's my cue to high-tail it out of here," she said with a grin. "Besides, I was going to win anyway. Mind reading powers make card games easy."

"Wait a minute, where are you going?" asked Pelleas, wibbling. "You can't just walk off the field in the middle of the battle! You're the general of this army! _Please don't leave me I love you!"_

Ignoring him, or perhaps not hearing him, Micaiah left, as did Sothe. Pelleas pouted and looked at Tauroneo. "I'm giving you your old job back."

"Considering I could crush her by accident, I'm not sure why you ever took it away from me," the former Rider of Daein replied with a shrug.

"Oh no, the pain and agony of chaos is hurting my feelings!" Kurthnaga wailed.

Ike looked at Soren as the Daein army continued their turn. "This is getting ridiculous. The green units go next, right?"

"Right."

"So we have plenty of time to get snacks and go over our plan."

"Right."

"Woohoo!" Boyd exclaimed, running off to a concession stand and getting popcorn for everyone. It was finally the Laguz Army's turn.

"What do we need to get accomplished?" Ike asked as Soren pulled out his copy of the player's guide.

"Let's see… ideally, I will hit Pelleas with meteors, Tibarn will attack Nailah for some sexual tension-filled dialogue-"

"That is not going to happen," said Reyson severely.

"Mostly likely you are correct," replied Soren, "even if not for the reason you think. Anyhow, if Haar talks to Jill then she will join us, not that it matters any…"

"Especially since Haar is taking a _nap_," Titania said angrily.

"Actually he got Sleep-staffed," Rhys informed her brightly.

"Lucky bum," said Ranulf.

Ike was excited. "They have sleep staffs and they didn't aim for me? This is the best day ever! Rhys, when we get a turn, make sure that Haar wakes up so they sleep him again!"

"Yes sir!"

"Anyhow, as I was saying, other than that we have instances where the game will also waste our precious time with pointless cutscenes," Soren continued, "We've already had Micaiah leave and Kurthnaga complain, and we also have Sanaki bossing around Naesala, and unconscious Leanne."

"Perhaps leaving one young heron to manage a deadly chaos god by herself wasn't a good idea," said Reyson, not leaving and in fact glaring daggers at Tibarn.

"How high does the number get before the stage ends?" asked Ike.

"Eighty," replied Soren, putting away the player's guide just in time for the number to hit eighty and the stage to end.

"Ike, Mist's collapsed!" Boyd cried, cradling his girlfriend.

"Oh come on, we didn't get to do anything!" Ike protested, more angry at the fact he hadn't even gotten to level 20 yet. "The stage can't be over yet! Reset!"

"Noooooooo!" Ranulf wailed, but Ike ignored him and reset the game anyway.

The stage started over again, this time with the Greil Mercenaries sprinting forward to cover as much ground as possible. Ike also sent a weaponless Haar to one group and a weaponless Sigrun to another group of laguz to serve as beacons for the enemy and reduce the number of kills. It was a brilliant plan, and it served them well. Too well, in fact…

There were five kills left before the stage ended. The majority of the Greil Mercenaries had burst into the field where the Daein Army had rallied. Micaiah was off the field, the King of Ravens had gotten browbeaten by a teenage girl, Leanne was unconscious, and both Ranulf and Kurthnaga had complained about chaos. More importantly, Ike was level 20.

"Awesome!" said Ike. "This is perfect! Everyone else has gone, right? So after Soren and I kill stuff, that means we'll have three kills to go before the end of the stage and we'll have finished everything we needed to. So Soren, you go first."

Soren grinned as he pulled out his Meteor tome and engaged Pelleas. "This is familiar enough to be pleasing, and yet different enough to be engaging."

"Hey, neato, you have a birthmark that looks like my Spirit Brand!" said Pelleas excitedly. "How cool is that!"

"Cool enough that one of these days I'm going to cut my bangs so people stop engaging me in conversation about the stupid thing!" Soren snapped back, hitting Pelleas with meteors.

Pelleas has the skill Miracle, which can prevent lethal blows. That being said, it didn't activate. It doesn't believe in activation, which is ironic considering its name. Pelleas cried and ran away.

This meant it was Ike's turn. "Eenie meenie miney _giant dragon_," he said excitedly, walking up to Kurthnaga.

"Ike, did you not see him end a battle due to being an enormous creature of death?" Mist yelled at her older brother. "Certainly there are other-"

"I double him and he can't hit me," Ike informed her, chipper.

"… … … Oh."

"Huh," said Kurthnaga, rather calm considering the circumstances, "Well isn't that just silly." Even as Ike sword-beamed him, he was still rather sweet about the entire experience as he left the field.

It became Daein's turn. One mook attacked Mia and received an Astra to the face for his trouble. Nolan tried to kill Shinon with a handaxe and got doubled and criticaled to death. This left one more kill.

"One more kill! One more kill!" Ike cheered in the exact opposite moral the entire game had been preaching. "C'mon Daein, bring it on!"

Nailah the wolf pounced on Ike and ripped his head off for a game-over. "Considering it brought," she said, spitting out his headband.

The game restarted.

"That was unnecessarily harsh," said Ike awkwardly, all of his enthusiasm completely gone. "I mean, that was Black Knight level of harshness right there."

"Actually worse than the BK," said Ranulf helpfully, "She didn't activate Savage or anything! That was just a nice clean-cut head removal. I think I have a crush on her."

"Join the club," said Gatrie wistfully.

"Guys, you're not supposed to be cheering for my death!"

"Some of us have been since the beginning of _Path of Radiance_," said Shinon with no lack of bitterness.

"You all suck. I volunteer that we sit here in the corner and make s'mores while our everyone else does the work." Ike was pouting. "I can't believe I got killed by someone who isn't the Black Knight. That's not fair at all."

Boyd smacked him on the back of the head. "Quit whining, Ike! Some of us have gotten taken out a lot of times! By some of us, I mean Mist."

"Oh because you're soooo much better than me," she drawled, clearly unamused.

Ike, also not amused, walked to the back of the map and sat down in the snow. "I am staying right here until the stage ends," he said, pouting. Everyone else sighed but accepted it; besides, most of them had only gotten a level or two anyway.

The stage ended and the plot resumed. To the surprise of no one, it turned out Micaiah was capable of awakening goddesses by singing. Yune took over and started ordering everyone around.

This made Ike even madder. "Excuse me, I'm the hero," he told her, "I do the ordering around, and the goddess-waking-up, and pretty much everything. The fact that all I did during that entire exposition was look pretty proves that there is something really wrong here."

"So the giant goddess-blessed sword and the constant praise from other characters isn't enough to make you happy?" the chaos goddess asked him.

"No it's not! Quit making me share my screen time!"

Yune brightened at that. "We'll split into three groups, and you only lead one of them! That way the screen time is," here she grinned evilly, "_divided into thirds."_

Ike dropped to his knees. "_NOOOOOOOOOO!"_

"The Black Knight is your father!" said Ranulf.

_"NOOOOO IT CAN'T BE TRUE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE - _wait. Ha ha, not funny Ranulf."

"I'm always funny."

"I'm still alive," said Pelleas happily. No one else cared.


	34. Ike versus Abridging1 PoR

A/N: So I thought the Elincia chapter would send me to hell, but if not, this one will. I am so sorry.

* * *

><p><em>Round Twenty-Two: Path of Radiance Abridged<em>

Music: *starts up*

Ike: I am the young ingénue

The world to me is still new

I'll join my dad's badass crew

And now I'm on my way!

Soren: Crimea's under attack

There's no chance to push back

They're all going to die on the rack

Titania: We need to save the day!

Shinon: Greil is my homie

the rest of y'all can blow me

so don't think you own me

Gatrie: Hey there's some chick in the bushes!

Elincia: It's nice to meet you

and this is crazy,

but I'm a princess,

so call me maybe?

_Ike: What?_

Black Knight: It's been a long time

I'm feeling laaazy

I'm gonna kill you

with sword beams, baby!

Greil: Argh!

Caineghis: It sucks your dad died,

it makes me angry,

but I can't help you,

so leave my country!

_Ike: That didn't rhyme -_

_Caineghis: It doesn't have to. I'm the Lion King._

Ike: I'm on a boat now,

so everybooooody,

look at me 'cause,

I'm on a boooat!

_Titania: That was terrible._

_Ike: I'm on a mother-effing boat!_

Sanaki: I rule the land that you're on

the Empire of Begnion

some sketchy shit's going on,

you'll do just what I say!

Oliver; I bought this beautiful man,

of beauty I am a fan,

perversion's likely my plan -

Tibarn: Now you're just in my way!

Oliver: Gargh!

Senators: None of us are quite sane,

compared to Ashnard we're lame,

but that won't be 'til next game

Lekain: Now it's time to kill some orphans!

Aimee: You are the hero

and I'm your lady

but I'm pregnant

and it's your baby!

_Ike: Huh?_

Naesala: Hey, we're friends, right?

You don't really hate me…

Reyson: You hit on my sister,

AND YOU SOLD ME!

Ena: My role is unclear,

I'm good, maybe,

but the doors are locked now,

you can't escape me.

_Ike: You can't attack from two spaces away, and you won't move. You're probably the easiest boss in this game._

_Ena: Oh._

Petrine: They're back in Crimea,

the crows are haaaazy,

so dog's breath dog's breath,

dog's breath dog's breath!

Ike: When people try to hurt my friends

it makes me so mad,

it makes you so bad,

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Ashnard: Test your mettle if you are a real man,

I'll kill the world and that's my plan,

'cause I'm the laaaaast booooooss,

and I cheat like crazy!

_Ike: Okay, seriously, I'm done singing this stupid song. It came out like what, three years ago now? It's not my fault that the author-lady couldn't think of a way to finish it, so I'm finishing it like this. I quit._

Music: *fades out and dies sadly*


	35. Ike versus Traumatic Pasts

Ike Versus the Fourth Wall, Round Twenty-Three: Ike versus Secret Societies

Ike was serious and dramatic as he sat in the tent. It was the middle of the night, so for effect he only had one candle lighting the entire area. "I call this meeting of our secret society to order! Members, you must sign your oaths of secrecy in blood."

"I'm the only one here," Soren deadpanned.

It threw Ike off his severity streak. "Way to ruin the drama."

"You haven't even told me what this is a secret club about."

Ike considered wiggling his fingers and reminding Soren it was a _secret_, but that seemed excessive and he knew Soren wouldn't humor him. "I was thinking I could finally be a member of one of the army's secret clubs, since I missed out on being a member during the Mad King's War."

Soren fondly recalled being the founder and president of the We Love Ike Club. "But we don't have any this time around. For one thing, half of the army is a member of the Badass Brigade. For another thing, there's too many people; it's difficult to coordinate dinner, let alone a secret society."

Ike nodded in agreement. "That's why I want to start my own. I hereby declare the beginnings of the Childhood Trauma Group!"

Soren was unimpressed. "You don't even remember your traumatic childhood thanks to being mind-crushed by Sephiran."

"It's our tenth play-through, so by now everything has filtered through. And I hope you're not going to protest being a member because you could be our mascot."

"So is it really just us?"

Ike had the grace to look embarrassed. "I don't know about anyone else enough to know if they should get invites. You know I don't pay attention to that stuff."

Soren sighed, pulling out his list of the army and dragging his finger down the names. "It depends what the cut off is. If you're holding everyone to my standards, then I'm probably going to be the only person here."

"Yeah yeah, always an overachiever. Well, we can cross out the Dawn Brigade since none of them have pasts." Soren crossed them off the list as Ike continued, "Sothe grew up on the streets, but that's not really traumatic enough."

"Only in a video game is being a street orphan not considered all that bad," said Soren with a shake of his head.

"Micaiah's family was murdered except for her and her little sister, but since I don't like her she can't join." Soren and Ike exchanged a bro first and Ike added, "It's my club, I can decide who doesn't get in. Also, Sanaki doesn't get to join because after the family murdering thing she got an entire empire, which helps cancel that out a little bit."

"Fair enough. Jill was brainwashed and her dad was murdered in the name of someone who didn't know who he was."

Ike considered this. "Okay, she can join."

Soren circled her name. "What about the herons? Had their entire civilization burned down and now are going to be subject to a slow decay to extinction unless they resort to incest?"

Ike grimaced. "Our secret society will already have six people? Isn't that big?"

"Since your past counts, so should your sister's, so that makes seven. Muarim and Vika were slaves, so that's two more."

"Woah woah woah! Who's Vika?"

Soren sighed. "This is an exercise in futility, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I don't want all these people in my club. If we had everyone from the Army with a traumatic past, we'd have like 80 people. From now on, no girls allowed."

Soren crossed off all the girls from his list. "So far then it's you, me, Reyson, Rafiel, and Muarim."

"I said no girls allowed," Ike replied with a devious smirk. Soren, having been confused for a woman many times, merely glared at him. Ike pouted.

"Renning was kidnapped and fed a drug that turned him into a raving psychopath."

"Who the heck is Renning? Seriously, are you making these people up?"

Soren sighed again, feeling a headache coming on. "Never mind. But with the standards we've set, we pretty much have no one to join the club."

Ike pondered that, rubbing his manly chin. "I'm okay with that," he said at length.

"So this was a complete waste of time, then."

"Geez, Soren, what a buzzkill."


	36. Interlude Pelleas versus the Script

Interlude: Pelleas versus the Japanese Script

Pelleas had spent all night in the library looking up ways to defeat the Blood Pact that did not involve a blade in the gut. Call him spoiled, but he did that in the last play through and it _wasn't any fun._

In his scanning, however, he found something _way_ better than the Blood Pact information. _Way_ better. Holding the stack of papers to his chest covetously, he ran to find Micaiah.

"I FOUND THE EXTENDED JAPANESE SCRIPT!" he cried in joy, waving the papers like a flag.

Micaiah, Sothe and Tauroneo were together and only Sothe didn't look proud. "That's wonderful, Your Majesty!" Micaiah said, voice proud.

"Who cares?" Sothe said, voice grumpy.

Pelleas could not stop smiling. "In the original script, it explains why I signed the Blood Pact."

His captive audience gasped collectively. "You mean you actually read it before signing it?" Tauroneo asked, hope in his eyes.

"I did!" Pelleas was beaming with pride. "It was a loan! Begnion gave me a reconstruction loan and I was on the verge of paying it all off!"

Micaiah and Tauroneo applauded. Sothe looked disappointed. "So you read and signed a loan for a good reason and were good enough at finances that if it had actually been a loan it'd be paid off already," Sothe recounted. "I can't believe it but it means I kind of have to respect you a little bit. Just a little, though."

One detail ruined it, but Pelleas certainly wasn't going to point it out.

Unfortunately for him, Micaiah can read minds. "He still signed it in blood," she pointed out to her brother-boyfriend.

Sothe snickered as Pelleas pouted.


	37. Ike versus Abridging2 PoR

A/N: I have two more ideas from Path of Radiance that I'm writing right now, but feel free to make suggestions! *muah*

* * *

><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Twenty-Four: Path of Radiance Abridged<em>

Music: *cheerful and happy*

Ike: I'm the hero!

Greil: I'm your dad!

Ike: You let me win our duel, didn't you?

Greil: Duh.

Boyd: I'm the friendly rival!

Oscar: My eyes are closed and yet I am the best chef in the _world._

Titania: Kill the bandits! The power of my badassery compels you!

Bandit Leader: You killed my bandits so I'm going to kill these kids!

Rolf: Waaaaah!

Shinon: FEATHERED, BITCHES.

Boyd: That sounds stupid.

Shinon: Your mom sounds stupid.

Soren: Hey guys, the country we're in is at war. I say we let it burn to the ground.

Titania: Greil, the power of my badassery compels you to save Crimea!

Greil: You do it, Ike.

Ike: Why me?

Greil: Because Titania's badassery compels us and I'm lazy.

Gatrie: Hey there's some chick in the bushes!

Ike: No! We are not singing again!

Gatrie: *pout*

Elincia: I am a mystical hidden princess.

Shinon: Your mom is a mystical hidden princess.

Greil: Let's go to Gallia to get this Princess to Begnion.

Petrine: Dog's breath!

Mia: HIIIII YAH DUEL AT DAWN MOTHERFUCKER!

Black Knight: *kills Greil in a plot-twist no one saw coming*

Shinon: Your mom killed Greil. *leaves*

Ike: Geez this sucks. I'm sad. Let's talk about your feelings, Soren!

Soren: Wait, it's already our support?  
>Ike: Nope. I just want to talk about our feelings. For example, my dad died and I'm okay because I'm alive and can avenge him.<p>

Soren: Um. I don't like packing lots of stuff.

Ike: Me neither! Are we BFFs?

Soren: Definitely.

Ike: Awesome.

Titania: We're surrounded again.

Lethe and Mordecai: *own the evil people*

Soren: You saved our lives easily, but I hate you anyway because you suck!

Mordecai: *attacks him*

Ike: *bravely defends Soren; if this weren't a cutscene Ike would have died, but instead he was just wounded*

Soren: Oops.

Mist: Screw you guys, I'm being useful.

Rolf: Waaaaaaah

Cainhegis: It sucks your dad died,

It makes me angry –

Ike: Oh come on guys! I hate that song!

Cainhegis: … but I can't help you,

So leave my country.

Ike: Ugh. Oh well. Let's talk about your feelings, Soren!

Soren: Wait, is _this_ our Support?

Ike: Nope. I just want to talk about our feelings.

Soren: Okay. Uh, this place sucks because they're ignoring the war going on.

Ike: Too true, man, too true. But are _you_ okay? Because you seem angry. I'm worried about you. Talk to me! Tell me your feelings!

Soren: No.

Ranulf: Guys this entire city is going to kill me because I have kitty-cat ears.

Black Knight: Not true. I'm going to kill you because I can.

Everyone: *start screaming in terror*

Black Knight: *kills Zihark*

Mia: Oh Zihark we hardly knew ye.

Ike: Run away!

Nasir: We're on a boat.

Sothe: So am I?

Ike: I have this feeling like I should punt you off this boat for my future sanity's sake, but I won't. Hey look, dragons!

Kurthnaga: I'm a dragon.

Ike: Cool! Soren went below deck and he hasn't come back up! Is he missing? I want to ask him how he's feeling.

Sigrun: Save the Empress!

Soren: We should save her.

Ike: Hey, are you feeling okay? You're suggesting to help someone. Do you want to talk about it?

Soren: We could hold her hostage.

Ike: Oh.

Naesala: I could kill everyone on this ship by myself.

Mist: There's no Empress on this ship.

Ike: Soren and I will search the rest of the ship! *drags Soren away* Now Soren, about this morning. I just wanted you to know that I understand your feelings and how upset you were, and that I feel the same way. Together, we are blunt and say what we want. We're awesome like that.

Soren: Thanks.

Sanaki: Pay attention to me, the Empress of Begnion!

Ike: Awww so cute!

Sanaki: Shut up! Stop the slavers in my country or else I won't help you.

Sigrun: The slavers live in the desert. Do you know about the desert?

Ike: No, but Soren does, even though he's not here.

Sigrun: Oh, is something wrong with Soren?

Ike: Maybe. He's mopey but won't talk about his feelings with me :(

Sigrun: That's too bad.

Ike: The desert! Let's talk about your feelings, Soren!

Soren: Wait, is _this_ our Support?

Ike: Nope. We're not doing supports in this parody. I just want to talk about our feelings.

Soren: Oh. Well, I think I'm okay.

Ike: Right, but you're not paying attention to the fact that we are in the desert. I'm worried about you.

Soren: Okay. Well, sexpot ahoy, Stefan is here.

Stefan: I'm a Branded.

Muarim: I'm a former slave.

Tormod: I'm a kid.

Sanaki: Go kill the fat old slaver guy. He bought a heron.

Sephiran: Not me. He didn't buy me.

Oliver: Oh, the glorious beauty of the man-bird! Such sheen! Such colors of beautiful pearl! Such –

Reyson: *crotch!kick!flee!*

Oliver: Chase the man bird into the forest, my unnaturally populous army!

Ike: Let's talk about your feelings, Soren! I noticed from intensely watching you that you always know where you are, even in this forest of no color.

Soren: Is that so.

Ike: I'm impressed! You should teach me how.

Reyson: I'm going to kill everyone in this forest with my songs!

Tibarn: How? The forest is dead.

Leanne: Chirp chirp.

Reyson: Hey it's my sister!

Tibarn: *kills Oliver*

Oliver: *for super-duper dead, incredibly dead, you have no idea how dead he is*

Boyd: Our experience :(

Reyson and Leanne: *save the forest with singing*

Tibarn: Uh, sure. That works.

Sanaki: Now that that detour is over, go back to the original plot of the game.

Elincia: Yay, I can stop twirling my thumbs now.

Shinon: Your mom can stop twirling your thumbs now.

Soren: Ike? Are you all right? Do you want to… want to talk… about… hack, cough…

Ike: About your feelings?

Soren: No, yours.

Ike: Oh. Nyah, lots of stuff going on. Like wow, I'm a general.

Mist: Ike my medallion is gone!

Ike: QUIT CRYING MIST I'LL FIX IT GEEZ!

Soren: *heaps a horrible verbal smackdown on poor Elincia*

Ike: *tells him to stop after it's over and Elincia is in tears*

Ranulf: Hey guys! Gallia sent reinforcements, but we'll give you the credit for winning the war because we're nice like that, unlike Begnion, hint hint.

Ike: Soren gave me a lecture about it earlier.

Ranulf: Man, has he gone crazy yet? He's gonna snap soon.

Ike: We can talk about his feelings now?

Ranulf: WTF dude?

Ike: Soren, hide me in your tent! Preferably in your bedroll!

Soren: *tells Aimee Ike's deepest secret of his love of spicy meat, which of course he would know*

Nasir: I gave your Medallion to Ashnard because he's holding my granddaughter's husband hostage. Phew.

Ena: If you hear ominous music, that is because I am a dragon and I will destroy you.

Rolf: *kills her with a bow*

Ena: Ouch. Maybe not.

Elincia: I'm finding some body-guards, a sword and a Pegasus and I'm taking a level in badass.

Black Knight: Let's fight, Ike. It's totally a fair fight.

Ike: Yes!

Mist: No!

Black Knight: You win. Depending on what language we're in, I let you or I didn't. Cool, huh? See you next game. Bwahahahaha.

Ike: Phew, that was tough. I had you worried, didn't I? It's okay Soren, I understand your feelings. The Black Knight is no match for me, or the power of our feelings-

Titania: Okay that's enough.

Ashnard: Heil myself! *fights Ike*

Ike: *fights back, wins*

Ashnard: Argh!

Ike: Yay, we win! The day is saved, the world is a better place, and the ending is happy. This definitely won't get worse.

Sephiran: ^_^


	38. Ike versus Tibarn PoR

Ike Versus the Fourth Wall Round Twenty-Five (Or, I have no idea how to end this, so I give up even trying):

Reyson, Heron Prince of the Serenes, would easily put this as the second worst day of his life. The first was obviously the day when his home had been burnt to the ground, killing everyone but him and his father. This wasn't as bad as that, but it was close.

First, his ex-friend had actually sold him – sold him! _Sold him! SOLD HIM! __**SOLD HIM!**__ – _to a creepy fat man who harped incessantly about beautiful man-birds and glorious plumage. Reyson had used a home invasion as an attempt to escape, and had managed to get into the burnt-down forest. But oh, now he had an idea.

"Hey Reyson! Geez, you move fast." Reyson stopped flying and looked at Tibarn, the Hawk King, who was flanked by his two henchmen as per usual. "I'm glad I found you. You'll be proud of me – my first goal was to find you, and my second goal is to kill Naesala."

"For once I may actually have to say that violence would be more appropriate than safety," Reyson replied, returning in the direction he'd been going. "Come with me for now, though. I have a very violent idea in mind. It won't kill Naesala, but that'll come soon enough."

"Yaaay," said Janaff with great sarcasm, as he had been hoping to get in and get out of this creepy beorc-infested forest.

"I like violent ideas," Tibarn said with pride, following Reyson. "Care to share?"

"I'll use small words so you can understand, of course. At the heart of this forest is a center of magic, essentially, in the form of an altar. It can only be used by the heron royalty using the appropriate galdr. I'm going to activate it and use it to kill all the humans in my forest." He landed; the trees were too thick for him to get through by flying now, but it wasn't too far.

"So let me get this straight," said Tibarn slowly, his tone betraying he did not like this idea. They walked together to where the altar was, in theory. "You're going to use the magic of this dead forest to kill everyone here."

Reyson was poking around the foliage. "Exactly."

Tibarn looked at Janaff and Ulki, trying to gage if they understood this any better than he did. It was clear they did not. "So the uh, dead forest, using the power of your… singing… will kill everyone here."

"Galdr."

"Singing."

"Galdr."

"The um… _dead forest-_"

Reyson threw a rock at him. "Shut up Tibarn!"

"Come to think of it, that's all pretty nasty stuff, isn't it? I mean, magic to kill everyone is probably forbidden, especially by a bunch of pansies like you." Tibarn rubbed his chin. "Maybe I should do it instead."

"You won't even need an altar to make your singing fatal," Reyson replied dryly.

"So you admit it's just singing."

"I-"

"Hey, I can see this in the distance –there's a beorc with spiky blue hair carrying Reyson on his back!" Janaff reported. Ulki facepalmed.

Tibarn was very confused. "Huh?"

Reyson stood up, shaking the leaves from his wings. "Pardon? How could someone be carrying me when _I'm standing right here?_"

"Beats me, but there he is, walking through the forest with his army, with someone who really has to be you on his back. You know, beautiful heron with white wings and long blonde hair…"

Reyson felt his face burst into a wide grin. "This is no longer the second worst day of my life. You are a complete idiot, Janaff, but this is the best news you could have given me!"

"You having a clone makes you happy? Okay then…"

Meanwhile, Ike was carrying a woman on his back. It was an uncomfortable situation. "You know, it just occurred to me that we have people here who're riding horses. Why don't one of you take her?"

"She is not Crimean, therefore she does not ride my horse!" Kieran bellowed, scaring away regular birds.

Soren pointed through a crop of trees. "You could just drop her. There's Duke Oliver. Let's kill him."

Ike grinned. "Hey Soren-"

"Ike, if you ask me about my feelings again, I will beat you with my healing stick."

"Heeheehee."

Off in the distance, Reyson was so excited that his wings were beating in joy. "That's my baby sister! That has to be Leanne!"

"The one with the obvious crush on Naesala, or was that your other sister?" Tibarn asked.

Reyson felt a wave of anger at the reminder of the ex-friend who sold him, but calmed himself quickly. "The one with the crush on Naesala. She was young and stupid, that's all. I'm sure it will pass. All right, here's what we're going to do. I will use my galdr-"

"Singing."

"_galdr _to – ah, to – to…" Reyson had to stop and think for a moment. "Er."

"Set an awesome background music while I kill all the humans and rescue your sister," Tibarn said with a wide grin.

"Quit looking so smug! I could kill them all if I wanted to."

"Uh huh, sure." Tibarn transformed into his hawk form and took off, diving into the fray. Reyson, although he would choose a more mature word for it, pouted.

"Oh cool, look, a hawk laguz just joined us!" Mia squealed in excitement, always excited to make new friends. As the aforementioned hawk laguz proceeded to kill every Begnion soldier without issue, she clearly lost some of her enthusiasm. "Hey. That's cheating."

Ike's eyes widened in alarm. "Hurry up and get to the Duke before he-"

Tibarn ripped off Oliver's head. Blood spurted everywhere, making a mess of bodily fluids and experience points that was downright wasteful.

"- never mind."


	39. Interlude Micaiah versus the World RD

Interlude: A Day in the Life of Micaiah

"Lo, the Silver Haired Maiden has graced us with her presence!" cried a peasant, stars in her eyes. "The grace and beauty of she with the silver hair is great indeed! She will save us all and liberate Daein from tyranny! Our goddess of dawn, our powerful savior!"

"I'd like a coffee with two creams, please," said Micaiah.

The barista squealed as she prepared the beverage. "Of course, fair maiden! Your strength and courage shines as an example to all! From this day forth, our drink of coffee with two creams shall be referred to as the Maiden of Dawn Special! Her taste is amazing, as is her charisma!" She handed Micaiah her drink, and Micaiah started the walk to the palace. It was a chilly morning, so she was thankful for the hot cup in her hands.

Sothe appeared next to her, as was his wont. He held out a book. "So I was robbing this noble's house and I found this rare and magical tome of powerful light magic that only you can use."

"Another one? Why do people keep buying these things?" she asked, grumbling because she hadn't drunk enough coffee yet. She added it to her growing collection.

"Who knows. So what do we have to do today?"

"Well –"

Another peasant interrupted her, full of tears and woe. "Lo maiden of the healing hands, my son has been gravely ill for days! Please, work your miraculous charm upon him!" She held out her baby.

Micaiah pulled out her healing staff. "Actually I can use one of these now." She used it to heal the baby.

The woman looked miffed. "Well that was hardly dramatic at all," she said, pouting.

"So? Your baby is better. The healing hands thing actually hurts me, which is why I learned to use the stick."

The woman digested this before proclaiming, "Our glorious Silver Haired Maiden has used her vast power and knowledge to heal my son! She is truly the Savior of Daein!"

"Micaiah!" the populace cheered, "Our Goddess of Dawn!"

Micaiah sighed even as Sothe pushed her to the castle. When they got there, Pelleas greeted them while looking penitent, which made Micaiah groan. "Now what?"

"Well, remember how I said I signed something with Begnion? And that it was in my blood? And that I didn't read it first?" he asked, staring at the floor.

"Yes…"

"Well it turns out that now we have to go to war against the laguz. Oopsies."

"Hurrah!" cheered Izuka as he lumbered by.

Micaiah clenched her fists. "You're kidding," she said, even though she knew he wasn't.

"Nope, sorry. Hop to it!"

And so later that day found the Dawn Brigade and the Daein Army in a swamp, facing impossible odds. Despite this, they hid in a corner and smacked vicious killing machines until a truce was called.

As Micaiah and Ranulf stood next to each other to discuss their ceasefire, the Daein soldiers were joyous. "Our Maiden of Dawn has led us to victory over the sub-humans! Our great Priestess of the Light!"

Ranulf, who was getting used to things being perplexing, merely shook his head. "Wow, you don't have a lot of soldiers here. You must be a tactical genius."

Micaiah finally lost her patience. "Oh come on, not you too! I'm not that special! I'm just a regular person doing what I can for my country. The constant character shilling and the purple prose is unnecessary and _annoying_. I only deserve credit for the things I actually accomplish, not for anything more. I deserve credit for _helping_ to liberate Daein, and I deserve credit for _doing the best I can_ to lead this army. I do not deserve credit for being a goddess or a master tactician! And even if I were, I don't deserve to get every other character telling me how amazing I am in the most belabored way possible!"

Suitably chastised, her army went quiet. Finally Ranulf nodded. "You definitely have a point. Anyway, I stopped for coffee on the way here and got one that's too big for me. It's really good. It's called The Maiden of Dawn Special. Would you like the rest of it?"

When all of her soldiers lifted up their own cups of the Maiden of Dawn Special in salute to her, Micaiah screamed in frustration and fury before sighing and taking the drink. It was her favorite, after all. Maybe there were some perks to the whole cult thing.


	40. Ike versus the Time Skip RD

Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Twenty Six: Mini Round 2!

The plan had been created, preparing another attack on the Begnion Forces. During the planning session, Skrimir had tried to hit on Soren, which made everyone feel kind of awkward, but to the surprise of everyone present Soren did not set him on fire.

After leaving the planning tent, Ranulf turned to Ike. "So Soren doesn't seem like he's going to explode and kill us all anymore. That's a step in the right direction. So what happened over the three years between wars?"

Ike thought about it. "What _didn't_ happen? Let's see, Mia joined, Mist dumped Rolf and hooked up with Boyd, Titania and Rhys had a falling-out-"

"He knows what he did," Titania muttered darkly, sharpening her axe.

"-everyone found out Soren's secret so he ran away to build an ice palace and accidentally plunged us into an eternal winter, I started steroids, and Gatrie actually did marry a bush when he and Shinon got drunk. It was an awkward time. Last I heard, the bush was refusing to get a divorce and Gatrie wasn't pressing the issue."

Ranulf blinked, ears drooping. "Huh. I don't know what about that is the worst."

Mia ran by, waving her sword in the air and attacking passers-by.

"Definitely Mia," said Ike and Titania with identical looks of despair.


	41. Ike versus Yune RD

A/N: I posted this on the Kink Meme, in response to two prompts: getting Kieran and Mia drunk together, and getting Pelleas drunk. It just also kind of fits here XD

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><p><em>Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Twenty-seven, or The Perils of Associating with a Chaos Goddess<em>

"It wasn't me," said Yune, which was a blatant lie.

Mist patted the ethereal goddess on the head, ignoring the way her fingers didn't hit anything solid. "No one believes you. It's okay. We've seen worse."

King Pelleas of Daein was waving his hands in the air very slowly. "Guys! Guuuuuys! Guess what!"

"What!" demanded Mia with a happy squeal.

"Tell us!" Kieran roared, "I command it in the *hic* name of Crimea!"

Pelleas' face split into a grin, and he looked as if he was about to explode with bottled-up information. "CHICKEN BUTT!"

Mia and Kieran burst into laughter before both fell over, considering they were holding each other up. Micaiah did not look half as appreciative. "I am not a chicken," she sniffed, "I am a heron. A noble, beautiful heron."

Pelleas wibbled. "Sorry."

In the distance, there was an explosion, punctuated by the yowl of a very angry cat. "Backup, I need backup!" said cat screamed.

"I finally found him," said Titania, dragging a half-asleep Ike along with her into the meadow where the others were gathered. "Tell him what's going on!"

Mist smiled at her brother; it was clear she was incredibly amused by this turn of events. "Mia, Kieran and Pelleas are drunk."

"SHNOCKERED!" Mia proclaimed gleefully. "SHN - OCK - ERED!"

Pelleas giggled. "Heeheehee, you said 'ock.'"

"RUDENESS!" Kieran roared. "RUUUUUUDENESSSSSSSS."

"While incredibly weird, that doesn't justify me being dragged here," said Ike, not sure if he should be amused or terrified.

"Of course, so are Gatrie and Shinon, but that's normal."

"Shut up," said Shinon, grumpy. Gatrie was checking out Mist's ass.

She happily ignored them. "Also, someone drugged Soren, Micaiah, and Stefan with olivi grass."

"No one could drug me due to my superb, birdly resistance," said Micaiah serenely. "Chirp chirp."

Stefan was looking at his own hind end with an extremely dejected expression. "What are you doing?" Gatrie asked him, now staring as well. It was awfully pretty.

"My tail is goooone!" Stefan wailed.

There was another explosion in the distance. _"SERIOUSLY SOMEONE HELP ME!"_ Ranulf screamed.

_"GOLDOA WILL NOT MOVE,"_ came the loud response.

"I take it Ranulf went to go catch Soren?" Ike asked, still not completely comprehending all of it.

"Right," said Titania. "We've sent Sothe to discover the culprit -"

"It was Yune," said Sothe, deadpan, because he was standing right there. "She took over Micaiah's body and started spiking drinks."

"I did not," the goddess whimpered, putting on her best innocent face.

"No one can take over my body," Micaiah protested. "I would just sing them away."

"You're a chaos goddess," Ike pointed out to Yune, ignoring Micaiah and rubbing his eyes, "it'd be weirder if you didn't do stuff like this, I guess. But okay, what do you all want me to do?"

"Find my tail," said a sad Stefan.

"Have a drink, boss!" Mia cheered, holding up a tankard of ale that had mostly been spilled already.

"No to both of those things," he replied.

Micaiah began singing, brushing her hair with her fingers. Pelleas meanwhile was sounding out various noises. "Shn. Ock. Heehee, ock. Ock. Ered. Errrrrrrrrrred."

"Seriously guys, what do you want me to do?"

_"HELP ME, YOU IDIOT!"_ screamed Ranulf from the forest.

This time it was answered by a rousing reply of, _"GOLDOA SHALL NOT HELP!"_

Ike sighed and purposefully marched into the forest. By the time he found the two of them, a very burnt Ranulf had transformed and was sitting on Soren, who was indignantly demanding that Ranulf remove his "lesser kitty cat self from my noble draconic personage."

"Okay, I got this, Ranulf," said Ike, cracking his knuckles. "You get back to camp and get fixed up."

"You don't need to tell me twice," the cat muttered, taking off.

Ike picked Soren up in a fireman's carry and began the walk back to camp. "The indignity! Goldoa will not stand for this!" the sage proclaimed, voice slurred.

"Goldoa doesn't have to stand for anything, since Goldoa is getting carried," Ike replied, unimpressed.

Soren considered this. "Oh. Okay then."

By the time they got back to the camp, everyone had changed positions: Stefan was sitting on the grass, licking his hands and wiping his hair; Mist was on top of Shinon, strangling him; Gatrie had passed out with a smile on his face; Micaiah was composing love poetry while Pelleas watched her with adoration, with Sothe and Yune looking unimpressed; Titania was pinching the bridge of her nose; and Kieran and Mia were holding hands and spinning in what was apparently a game of ring-around-the-rosie.

"I hate my life," said Ike, taking it all in. He put down Soren and yanked Mist off Shinon, his little sister apparently accepting she wasn't going to murder him.

"You would be happier if you could breathe fire," Soren told him helpfully.

"You could probably fix all of this by stabbing me in the chest," Pelleas told him happily. "No guarantees it'll work, though."

"No to the stabbing you thing, but I have to agree I'd probably be happier if I could breathe fire." Ike made a mental note to add that the list of things he'd never thought he'd ever say, which at this point filled up three books.

"Of course you would. Granted, you'd still be unable to fly. I can fly. I've got wings."

"Your wings are not as glorious as mine. Now, be silent and allow me to begin." Micaiah recited with solemnity, "Roses are red, grass is greener, I -"

"think about you when I _touch my wiener_," said Shinon with a major giggle-fit. Sothe and Yune snapped their appreciation. Pelleas covered his mouth in shock.

Micaiah was unamused. "You just ruined a piece of perfection. You should be ashamed."

"What else rhymes with greener?" Shinon shot back before puking.

Micaiah merely huffed. "This silliness is not conducive to my artistic processes."

"Your processes are perfectly artistic," Pelleas cooed. She patted him on the head.

Ike saw an opportunity. "You sang once and released a dark goddess, remember?"

"I'm not dark, you jerk!"

"This is all your fault, Yune, so for now on everyone will always have to call you a dark god! Anyway Micaiah, surely you can do something like that again."

"Meow," said Stefan companionably.

"Whoosh fire breath," Soren agreed with him. The two looked at each other for a moment before their expressions betrayed they hadn't understand a word the other had said.

Stefan tried again. "Grr?"

"Eh. Sort of. Snort."

"Hm. Roar."

Soren's expression lit up. "Roar!"

"Roaaaar!"

"Roarrrr!"

"Seriously lady start singing something!" Ike snapped at Micaiah. "Something healing! Anything!"

Everyone present looked to Micaiah, who stood up regally. "A healing galdr is the first song of power a heron learns," she replied primly. There was a long pause. "I don't know the tune, or the words."

Asleep as she was, Sanaki snickered.

"_THE BEST OF KNIGHTSH HAVE THE BEST OF FRIENDSH,_" Kieran was bellowing in a vaguely song-like way, _"WHICH IS WHY MY FRIENDSH ARE ONLY OKAY, BECAUSE I AM NOT SIR GEEEEOFFREY!"_

Mia had been squealing with joy and fun as they spun, but at this she promptly stopped and burst into tears.

_"OH NO! I'M SHORRY! PLEASE DON'T CRY! I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND!"_ Kieran tried to comfort her, apparently not realizing that he was making everyone go deaf. _"WELL EXCEPT FOR OSCAR AND SIR GEOFFREY AND MARCIA AND MAKALOV AND ASTRID AND RHYS! BUT YOU'RE RIGHT AFTER THEM!"_

Mia sniffled. "Wow." She smiled. "Thank you."

_"YOU ARE SHO WELCOME!"_

The glee was back in her face. "Sho're you!"

"Whoa." Kieran finally stopped yelling, looking awe-struck. "Thank. You." He wibbled, and Mia glomped him in a hug, knocking them both to the floor.

Ike looked back to Micaiah. "Use that tune."

She indignantly sniffed, but complied, drawing it out far more than Kieran had. "Ahem. _THE BEEEEEEEEST OF KNIIIIIIGHTS HAVE THE BEEEEST OF FRIIIIIIIIENDS,_" and to her credit, as she sang the meadow was filled with glowing lights, "_WHICH IS WHYYYYYY MY FRIEEEEEENDS ARE ONLY OKAAAAAAAY, BECAUSE IIIIII AM NOT SIR GEEEEOFFREY!"_

With that, those present in the meadow were cured of their varying afflictions, leaving them peacefully asleep.

Well, everyone was cured except for Ike, who had a headache for the rest of the night. And if he asked the herons to keep Yune from manifesting, well, no one could really blame him.


	42. Ike versus the Author

_Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Twenty-Eight: Ike Versus the Author_

"I quit," said Ike.

The authoress was sitting with the entire Greil Mercenaries post-game, and was unimpressed. "You can't quit. You're fictional."

"Things are about to go from fourth-wall breaking to meta up in here," said Boyd, amused.

Ike crossed his arms. "Let's be honest. I've been wildly out of character for awhile now, and you're just about out of ideas."

"That's not true," she protested. "I still have plenty of ideas."

"Let's hear them," said Titania, who was just upset because she hadn't gotten to do much. "Hey, and whose fault is that? Anyway, I'm not upset. I'm just bored."

"Okay, so first chapter idea was going to take place in Hell between the villains of the game."

"So Ashnard was going to be crazy, Lekain stupidly evil, and Ashera was going to talk like a ninny," Shinon sneered. "Next?"

"Geez, you people are mean. I was thinking of fleshing out the three years between games-"

That resulted in unanimous protests: even Rhys, whose role in the story thus far had been to be slow, did not want to do this. "You already hinted at that," he pointed out sweetly. "Admit it, you just want the opportunity to do another musical number."

"I am one with the wind and sky," said Soren.

"And we all know how well the other musical number went over," said Ike darkly.

"My line was awesome," said Shinon.

"What were you going to have us sing?" asked Rolf, tentatively interested.

The authoress jumped on that. "Oh, it was going to be great! You were going to sing 'Royals' by Lorde!"

"_Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"_ Rolf even dropped to his knees in supplication. "I'm so sick of that song!"

"Aw come on, it fits you all so well! You've all renounced money!"

"Except me," Shinon muttered.

"As fitting as it would be, it's still stupid," said Ike sternly.

Gatrie gamely raised his hand. "I would sing a song! How about something closer to" he suggested a song that is not fit for polite audiences because it was mostly about females' rear-ends.

Everyone ignored him. "I believe our point is that the chapter would be a waste of our time," Oscar said, always polite.

The authoress pouted. "Okay, the other idea I had was the chapter where you fight Ena, in the first game. You know, build up the suspense until you realize that she's a dragon who doesn't move."

There was a long silent pause from the mercenaries. "And that's the joke," said Soren astutely. "You summed up an entire chapter in one sentence. That means it isn't worth writing."

"You guys are mean." The authoress wracked her brains. She'd had many ideas, but they often came and went if she didn't have time to write them down. But now here she was, with them all staring at her, and it was hard to remember anything at all. Then it dawned on her (ha ha, get it, dawn?) "Oh, I know why you're all rebelling now! You don't want to do the other bridge stage!"

The reaction from the team was instantaneous horrified expressions and convulsions, cluing in the authoress that was she correct in this assumption. "Why would _you_ want to do the bridge stage?" Boyd demanded, standing up. "Why would you! It's terrible!"

"That's why!" She paused. "You know, I think I have a compromise. One more chapter, and then we're done (unless something comes to me in the future that is so genius I can't not write about it)." But first, she said, "To my readers, I want to thank you for following along with what is undoubtedly the silliest thing I've ever written, and that says a lot since most of what I write is silly. If I made you laugh at least once, then I feel like I accomplished something. You're wonderful!"

The authoress summoned her laptop and began to write the final chapter of Ike versus the Fourth Wall:


	43. Interlude Petrine versus the World

_Interlude: A Day in the Life of Petrine_

Petrine woke up at an early hour, doing her stretches and propping up her breasts in her wildly impractical armor. Then she would read for a bit before grabbing her magical fire lance and going to roast her subordinates.

"General Petrine, the traps in the bridge have been set," said a simpering soldier. "Do you think they'll work?"

She sighed. "The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs," she said.

"What?"

"Winston Churchill. The traps will work. Listen up, dogs!" She turned to the rest of her soldiers. "If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience! Wise words from Woodrow Wilson! Today we will stop Crimea, those stupid cats!"

"Huh?" asked some of her soldiers.

The army began the attack on the bridge, falling into the holes.

"Dog's tail!" said Petrine with glee.

The army passed the first row of ballistae.

"Dog's breath!"

They past the second row of ballistae.

"Dog's nose!"

They surrounded her after defeating her forces.

"Dog's paws!" she cried in dismay. "You'd best stay away from me! Let sleeping dogs lie! You're barking up the wrong tree if you think you can defeat me!"

"Huh?" asked Gatrie, who wasn't turned on at all, which is shocking.

Petrine waved her fire lance threateningly. There was a little boy who was Branded like her, which she could tell because he made no effort to hide it. The boy said, "She's using a magic lance even though her magic is abysmal. Just kill her."

Petrine growled. "Every dog is allowed one bite!"

"We get it, you like dogs!" Boyd shouted, frustrated.

When Petrine was inevitably defeated, she looked up into the sky. "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go to where they are." She spat up blood. "Dog's testicles." She died.

"The fuck just happened?" asked Ike.


End file.
